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[quote=Anonymous][quote]I posted at 12:15 before I saw this response, OP, and rage was also a part of my dad's illness. He was immensely frustrated with his inability to control the situation and lashed out at everyone who came to help. In the end, he was even telling anyone who would listen (like church members who called the hospital) that we wanted to give him the pain medication to kill him off.

I know some of it was just old-age dementia, some was that the cancer had reached his brain. A good part of it was that pain, fear and exhaustion had just completely wiped out his coping skills.

Keep hiring help and asking your dad what you can do from afar. Just be aware that trust is tenuous and appreciation may not be coming[/quote]

Thanks PP, I am sorry for your loss and how hard it was. I think a lot stems from the frustration of feeling the  loss of independence, which would be hard for anyone but especially hard for her.  I also think that she has a tendency to push others away to fit a deep seated narrative of abandonment--and maybe the idea of loss is so hard that she'd rather be in charge of it, the one pushing others away. I think she's scared my dad wont take care of her so she's doing this to prove it. I also think she is just plain scared.  But, there is also something totally unsurprising here too. She has at times been pretty irrationally angry/abusive (dh described it as emotional terrorism) her whole life, when much smaller things set her off, so I dont think she has any other way to handle something huge like this. I am angry at her, too, for the treatment of my father, but I am also trying to be empathetic, for it is really very sad. [/quote]

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