OP, just wanted to say that you are a good person and a good daughter. This sounds excruciating, and I hope you are getting the support you need during this time as well. I wish you all the best.

I posted at 12:15 before I saw this response, OP, and rage was also a part of my dad's illness. He was immensely frustrated with his inability to control the situation and lashed out at everyone who came to help. In the end, he was even telling anyone who would listen (like church members who called the hospital) that we wanted to give him the pain medication to kill him off.

I know some of it was just old-age dementia, some was that the cancer had reached his brain. A good part of it was that pain, fear and exhaustion had just completely wiped out his coping skills.

Keep hiring help and asking your dad what you can do from afar. Just be aware that trust is tenuous and appreciation may not be coming

Thanks PP, I am sorry for your loss and how hard it was. I think a lot stems from the frustration of feeling the loss of independence, which would be hard for anyone but especially hard for her. I also think that she has a tendency to push others away to fit a deep seated narrative of abandonment--and maybe the idea of loss is so hard that she'd rather be in charge of it, the one pushing others away. I think she's scared my dad wont take care of her so she's doing this to prove it. I also think she is just plain scared. But, there is also something totally unsurprising here too. She has at times been pretty irrationally angry/abusive (dh described it as emotional terrorism) her whole life, when much smaller things set her off, so I dont think she has any other way to handle something huge like this. I am angry at her, too, for the treatment of my father, but I am also trying to be empathetic, for it is really very sad.

Sometime that night my stepmother came in, saw that the table had been cleared up, and flew into a rage. She was convinced that I threw stuff out (I didn't), looked through her papers (I didn't) and invaded her territory (I guess I did--although it is my dad's home too). She evidently was up all night screaming at my father, and told him to tell me to leave and that I had had done something unforgiveable. She also started screaming at him for being unreliable--he was supposed to take care of her and now he's the one needing help; she threatened divorce, not to do chemo, to move out, etc.

I posted at 12:15 before I saw this response, OP, and rage was also a part of my dad's illness. He was immensely frustrated with his inability to control the situation and lashed out at everyone who came to help. In the end, he was even telling anyone who would listen (like church members who called the hospital) that we wanted to give him the pain medication to kill him off.

I know some of it was just old-age dementia, some was that the cancer had reached his brain. A good part of it was that pain, fear and exhaustion had just completely wiped out his coping skills.

Keep hiring help and asking your dad what you can do from afar. Just be aware that trust is tenuous and appreciation may not be coming

OP, I'm so sorry. Sending you a hug. I wish I could go with you to help your Dad (and stepmom. )

I think the hardest thing for me to accept about my dad's cancer was that his feelings about his illness were more important than mine. He asked me to keep it a secret for years, and I did, but I don't know if it ever occurred to him how angry the rest of the family was when they learned about it.

He also stopped telling me about the state of his illness in the final years. I'd spent a lot of time flying back and forth caring for him for weeks at a time and it hurt me a lot when he stopped calling on me. He gave me no choice in the matter and even said some extremely hurtful things to push me away.

He had his reasons for the way he wanted his final years to go and, yes, I know vanity and pride were in the mix. I can't resent him for that - it's who he was. He was always going to handle his life the way he wanted and his illness was no different.

It's not easy, OP, but let your stepmother's wishes take priority.