Reply to I don't want my mom at my wedding

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Plain and simple- she's an awful person. I grew up with her being both emotionally and [b]physically abusive [/b]towards me from the time I was 14 until I moved out of their house at 20. The physical abusiveness stopped then but she continued to be emotionally abusive any chance she got. She made it very clear that I wasn't the "perfect daughter" that she wanted and constantly told me all the things that was wrong with me. My weight, how I didn't finish college, my jobs, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's told me that she loves me. It's been years. We don't hug or touch. She has tried in a fake way many times but I cringe at the thought of her hugging me because it's just so fake and her physical touch makes me feel sick. We had a huge falling out this past Summer and I didn't talk to her for months. I ended up sucking it up and pretending things were fine around Christmas just so that I could see my siblings and father but now that Christmas is over, I have probably only talked to her three times.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding and she hasn't offered to help at all. She never even congratulated us on our engagement. Neither of these things surprised me at all. We are about 6 months out from getting married and I just don't want her there. We had one phone call about my wedding and it turned into her telling me that I should just elope and [b]why do I want this "big fancy wedding with bridesmaids?".[/b] Our wedding is far from big and fancy. It's at a cute little venue and we are inviting 50 people. We both have two friends in our wedding party and that's it. She's just such a negative person in my life and I know she will be sitting at our wedding judging everything. I don't want her there but I don't know how to have that happen. My dad offered up $10K for the wedding which is pretty much covering the whole thing- again, its very small and simple which is what we wanted. Because he offered that up and its technically THEIR money, I feel like I can't not have her there but the thought of her being there is depressing me as I know she's going to put a damper on the whole day.

I spent almost a year in therapy with a therapist who told me that for my own health and wellbeing, I should cut her out completely. Thats how bad my childhood was because of her. I don't knwo what the point of this post is. Maybe someone has been in my shoes? Or someone can tell me that it's okay to not have her there. I don't know.[/quote]

This isn't that awful of a thing to ask.  I wish my mom had asked me this!  I can't imagine even getting upset over my mom questioning something about my wedding.  You seem like you take everything your mom says or does the wrong way.

Can you talk more about the physical abuse?  If this is truly the case then yes, you should cut her out of your life.  But I find it weird you take the time to describe these random things your mom said (you're a whore for getting your ears pierced) and kind of gloss over how your mom apparently beat you up?   This doesn't make sense.

Again, my husband paints a similar picture of his childhood and will even casually mention his mom abused him.  But then you press him for details and he can't really tell you what happened.  I find it very hard to believe his mother actually beat him up.  I'm kind of doubting yours did as well.  But if she really did beat you - that is awful and you should be upset over this and not random comments about your wedding.  [/quote]

As a beginning aside, that's pretty awful that you don't believe your own husband's account of his childhood.  My guess is that you have some sort of defensive need to project disbelief on other people's stories about bad childhoods.  I wonder why that is.

Anyway, I think I fully understand why OP told those stories about the piercing and the makeup, and may have left out details about physical abuse (although it's unclear if this OP actually ever said she suffered from physical abuse -- that was taken from a different thread).  First of all, being called a "whore" by your mother is a huge deal in and of itself, and bespeaks an out-of-control and cruel parent.  But even more than that, the fact that this parent then did a 180 and allowed the piercing and makeup for a sibling is the mindfuck that is characteristic of dealing with this kind of narcissist/BPD person.  I'll bet that when OP asked her mother about why her sister was allowed to get the piercing and wear making, the mother made a HUGE deal denying that she had ever called her a whore or scrubbed off the eyeliner, or else had some sort of elaborate story about why OP deserved it and her sister did not.  That's really the toxic part of these kind of people: they treat you abusively and then try to convince you it was your fault or that it never happened, and make you doubt your own sense of reality.

OP, if you invite this woman to your wedding she will make a huge scene, there's no doubt.  If you uninvite her she'll make your life miserable and probably defame you to all your relatives.  So really, you should elope, and then cut off your mother in a more calm and supported way.  [/quote]

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