Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'll just explain everything better here instead of responding to individual posts.

Yes; she was physically abusive. It started around 14 and was the worst around 15-16. She would get angry with me about the littlest things- not vacuuming when I said I would, having my music too loud in my room, etc. I remember when I was 15, I got mad at her for not letting me go to a friends house so as a typical teenager, I went to my room and slammed the door. She came slamming into the room after, screaming in my face. I told her to get out of my face and she grabbed me by the arms and shoved me against the closet door and in exact words said "have fun being grounded all weekend you fat fuck". That is etched in my brain forever. Another time she came in and threw a glass full of water at my head. It shattered on my wall and got all over my bed. Another time she hit me repeatedly with a belt, all over my body. I had welts everywhere. The last thing I remembered around 16 was her punching me in the throat. So no, I did not make these things up. I had a journal as a teenager and I still have it. I brought it with me to a therapy appt last year so he could read it over. I went into many details about what she did and why she was mad at me or angry at the time and it was all petty stuff such as me not cleaning or I got a 78 on a test. When I was 16, I had a friend who lived in the same neighborhood who's dad was the local town cop and after she left welts on me, I ran to her house. Her dad called one of the other cops to come over and he took pictures of the marks on my body and wrote down what happened. He then went over to my parents house to get my moms side and she made up a story and the cop ended up saying "sometimes moms and daughters fight".....so yeah.

I truly hate her. I don't care if some of you think I'm dramatic or whatever but it's true. My childhood was miserable because of her. She treated me like absolute shit and there were so many times I wanted to end my life because of her. She constantly made me feel like such a low life worthless piece of shit she made it clear that I was never going to be good enough for her. Once my sister was born when I was 13, she was my moms "do over child". I grew up constantly watching my mom hug and kiss her and constantly say I love you to her when I couldn't even remember the last time she told me she loved me.

I was a "whore" for getting my ear pierced. I was trashy for wearing eyeliner. That's what she would tell me. My 16 year old sister wears full faces of makeup and has 3 piercings in each ear and that's okay to my mom. Yes, I'm sure she's "softened" a bit now but still. It doesn't mean I forgot all the things she would say to me when I was my sisters age and yes, it does bother me that she doesn't care that my sister does those things and she's "not a whore" for it but at the same time, I'm glad she doesn't have to deal with that because she gets to have a good childhood and not have to wonder why her mother clearly hates her so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plain and simple- she's an awful person. I grew up with her being both emotionally and physically abusive towards me from the time I was 14 until I moved out of their house at 20. The physical abusiveness stopped then but she continued to be emotionally abusive any chance she got. She made it very clear that I wasn't the "perfect daughter" that she wanted and constantly told me all the things that was wrong with me. My weight, how I didn't finish college, my jobs, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's told me that she loves me. It's been years. We don't hug or touch. She has tried in a fake way many times but I cringe at the thought of her hugging me because it's just so fake and her physical touch makes me feel sick. We had a huge falling out this past Summer and I didn't talk to her for months. I ended up sucking it up and pretending things were fine around Christmas just so that I could see my siblings and father but now that Christmas is over, I have probably only talked to her three times.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding and she hasn't offered to help at all. She never even congratulated us on our engagement. Neither of these things surprised me at all. We are about 6 months out from getting married and I just don't want her there. We had one phone call about my wedding and it turned into her telling me that I should just elope and why do I want this "big fancy wedding with bridesmaids?". Our wedding is far from big and fancy. It's at a cute little venue and we are inviting 50 people. We both have two friends in our wedding party and that's it. She's just such a negative person in my life and I know she will be sitting at our wedding judging everything. I don't want her there but I don't know how to have that happen. My dad offered up $10K for the wedding which is pretty much covering the whole thing- again, its very small and simple which is what we wanted. Because he offered that up and its technically THEIR money, I feel like I can't not have her there but the thought of her being there is depressing me as I know she's going to put a damper on the whole day.

I spent almost a year in therapy with a therapist who told me that for my own health and wellbeing, I should cut her out completely. Thats how bad my childhood was because of her. I don't knwo what the point of this post is. Maybe someone has been in my shoes? Or someone can tell me that it's okay to not have her there. I don't know.

This isn't that awful of a thing to ask. I wish my mom had asked me this! I can't imagine even getting upset over my mom questioning something about my wedding. You seem like you take everything your mom says or does the wrong way.

Can you talk more about the physical abuse? If this is truly the case then yes, you should cut her out of your life. But I find it weird you take the time to describe these random things your mom said (you're a whore for getting your ears pierced) and kind of gloss over how your mom apparently beat you up? This doesn't make sense.

Again, my husband paints a similar picture of his childhood and will even casually mention his mom abused him. But then you press him for details and he can't really tell you what happened. I find it very hard to believe his mother actually beat him up. I'm kind of doubting yours did as well. But if she really did beat you - that is awful and you should be upset over this and not random comments about your wedding.

As a beginning aside, that's pretty awful that you don't believe your own husband's account of his childhood. My guess is that you have some sort of defensive need to project disbelief on other people's stories about bad childhoods. I wonder why that is.

Anyway, I think I fully understand why OP told those stories about the piercing and the makeup, and may have left out details about physical abuse (although it's unclear if this OP actually ever said she suffered from physical abuse -- that was taken from a different thread). First of all, being called a "whore" by your mother is a huge deal in and of itself, and bespeaks an out-of-control and cruel parent. But even more than that, the fact that this parent then did a 180 and allowed the piercing and makeup for a sibling is the mindfuck that is characteristic of dealing with this kind of narcissist/BPD person. I'll bet that when OP asked her mother about why her sister was allowed to get the piercing and wear making, the mother made a HUGE deal denying that she had ever called her a whore or scrubbed off the eyeliner, or else had some sort of elaborate story about why OP deserved it and her sister did not. That's really the toxic part of these kind of people: they treat you abusively and then try to convince you it was your fault or that it never happened, and make you doubt your own sense of reality.

OP, if you invite this woman to your wedding she will make a huge scene, there's no doubt. If you uninvite her she'll make your life miserable and probably defame you to all your relatives. So really, you should elope, and then cut off your mother in a more calm and supported way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plain and simple- she's an awful person. I grew up with her being both emotionally and physically abusive towards me from the time I was 14 until I moved out of their house at 20. The physical abusiveness stopped then but she continued to be emotionally abusive any chance she got. She made it very clear that I wasn't the "perfect daughter" that she wanted and constantly told me all the things that was wrong with me. My weight, how I didn't finish college, my jobs, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's told me that she loves me. It's been years. We don't hug or touch. She has tried in a fake way many times but I cringe at the thought of her hugging me because it's just so fake and her physical touch makes me feel sick. We had a huge falling out this past Summer and I didn't talk to her for months. I ended up sucking it up and pretending things were fine around Christmas just so that I could see my siblings and father but now that Christmas is over, I have probably only talked to her three times.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding and she hasn't offered to help at all. She never even congratulated us on our engagement. Neither of these things surprised me at all. We are about 6 months out from getting married and I just don't want her there. We had one phone call about my wedding and it turned into her telling me that I should just elope and why do I want this "big fancy wedding with bridesmaids?". Our wedding is far from big and fancy. It's at a cute little venue and we are inviting 50 people. We both have two friends in our wedding party and that's it. She's just such a negative person in my life and I know she will be sitting at our wedding judging everything. I don't want her there but I don't know how to have that happen. My dad offered up $10K for the wedding which is pretty much covering the whole thing- again, its very small and simple which is what we wanted. Because he offered that up and its technically THEIR money, I feel like I can't not have her there but the thought of her being there is depressing me as I know she's going to put a damper on the whole day.

I spent almost a year in therapy with a therapist who told me that for my own health and wellbeing, I should cut her out completely. Thats how bad my childhood was because of her. I don't knwo what the point of this post is. Maybe someone has been in my shoes? Or someone can tell me that it's okay to not have her there. I don't know.

This isn't that awful of a thing to ask. I wish my mom had asked me this! I can't imagine even getting upset over my mom questioning something about my wedding. You seem like you take everything your mom says or does the wrong way.

Can you talk more about the physical abuse? If this is truly the case then yes, you should cut her out of your life. But I find it weird you take the time to describe these random things your mom said (you're a whore for getting your ears pierced) and kind of gloss over how your mom apparently beat you up? This doesn't make sense.

Again, my husband paints a similar picture of his childhood and will even casually mention his mom abused him. But then you press him for details and he can't really tell you what happened. I find it very hard to believe his mother actually beat him up. I'm kind of doubting yours did as well. But if she really did beat you - that is awful and you should be upset over this and not random comments about your wedding.

As a beginning aside, that's pretty awful that you don't believe your own husband's account of his childhood. My guess is that you have some sort of defensive need to project disbelief on other people's stories about bad childhoods. I wonder why that is.

Anyway, I think I fully understand why OP told those stories about the piercing and the makeup, and may have left out details about physical abuse (although it's unclear if this OP actually ever said she suffered from physical abuse -- that was taken from a different thread). First of all, being called a "whore" by your mother is a huge deal in and of itself, and bespeaks an out-of-control and cruel parent. But even more than that, the fact that this parent then did a 180 and allowed the piercing and makeup for a sibling is the mindfuck that is characteristic of dealing with this kind of narcissist/BPD person. I'll bet that when OP asked her mother about why her sister was allowed to get the piercing and wear making, the mother made a HUGE deal denying that she had ever called her a whore or scrubbed off the eyeliner, or else had some sort of elaborate story about why OP deserved it and her sister did not. That's really the toxic part of these kind of people: they treat you abusively and then try to convince you it was your fault or that it never happened, and make you doubt your own sense of reality.

OP, if you invite this woman to your wedding she will make a huge scene, there's no doubt. If you uninvite her she'll make your life miserable and probably defame you to all your relatives. So really, you should elope, and then cut off your mother in a more calm and supported way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plain and simple- she's an awful person. I grew up with her being both emotionally and physically abusive towards me from the time I was 14 until I moved out of their house at 20. The physical abusiveness stopped then but she continued to be emotionally abusive any chance she got. She made it very clear that I wasn't the "perfect daughter" that she wanted and constantly told me all the things that was wrong with me. My weight, how I didn't finish college, my jobs, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's told me that she loves me. It's been years. We don't hug or touch. She has tried in a fake way many times but I cringe at the thought of her hugging me because it's just so fake and her physical touch makes me feel sick. We had a huge falling out this past Summer and I didn't talk to her for months. I ended up sucking it up and pretending things were fine around Christmas just so that I could see my siblings and father but now that Christmas is over, I have probably only talked to her three times.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding and she hasn't offered to help at all. She never even congratulated us on our engagement. Neither of these things surprised me at all. We are about 6 months out from getting married and I just don't want her there. We had one phone call about my wedding and it turned into her telling me that I should just elope and why do I want this "big fancy wedding with bridesmaids?". Our wedding is far from big and fancy. It's at a cute little venue and we are inviting 50 people. We both have two friends in our wedding party and that's it. She's just such a negative person in my life and I know she will be sitting at our wedding judging everything. I don't want her there but I don't know how to have that happen. My dad offered up $10K for the wedding which is pretty much covering the whole thing- again, its very small and simple which is what we wanted. Because he offered that up and its technically THEIR money, I feel like I can't not have her there but the thought of her being there is depressing me as I know she's going to put a damper on the whole day.

I spent almost a year in therapy with a therapist who told me that for my own health and wellbeing, I should cut her out completely. Thats how bad my childhood was because of her. I don't knwo what the point of this post is. Maybe someone has been in my shoes? Or someone can tell me that it's okay to not have her there. I don't know.

This isn't that awful of a thing to ask. I wish my mom had asked me this! I can't imagine even getting upset over my mom questioning something about my wedding. You seem like you take everything your mom says or does the wrong way.

Can you talk more about the physical abuse? If this is truly the case then yes, you should cut her out of your life. But I find it weird you take the time to describe these random things your mom said (you're a whore for getting your ears pierced) and kind of gloss over how your mom apparently beat you up? This doesn't make sense.

Again, my husband paints a similar picture of his childhood and will even casually mention his mom abused him. But then you press him for details and he can't really tell you what happened. I find it very hard to believe his mother actually beat him up. I'm kind of doubting yours did as well. But if she really did beat you - that is awful and you should be upset over this and not random comments about your wedding.

Anonymous wrote:Will your dad and siblings come if mom is not invited? I imagine you want the rest of the family there (sine you mentioned going to Christmas to see them). How will you feel if dad and sibs don't come because mom makes a big deal about not being invited? Which matters more to you, seeing them nor not having her? I also have a horrible parent (not quite as bad as yours) and understand, but I know the other parent would never come with horrible one, so invitations for both always.

Anonymous wrote:Plain and simple- she's an awful person. I grew up with her being both emotionally and physically abusive towards me from the time I was 14 until I moved out of their house at 20. The physical abusiveness stopped then but she continued to be emotionally abusive any chance she got. She made it very clear that I wasn't the "perfect daughter" that she wanted and constantly told me all the things that was wrong with me. My weight, how I didn't finish college, my jobs, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's told me that she loves me. It's been years. We don't hug or touch. She has tried in a fake way many times but I cringe at the thought of her hugging me because it's just so fake and her physical touch makes me feel sick. We had a huge falling out this past Summer and I didn't talk to her for months. I ended up sucking it up and pretending things were fine around Christmas just so that I could see my siblings and father but now that Christmas is over, I have probably only talked to her three times.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding and she hasn't offered to help at all. She never even congratulated us on our engagement. Neither of these things surprised me at all. We are about 6 months out from getting married and I just don't want her there. We had one phone call about my wedding and it turned into her telling me that I should just elope and why do I want this "big fancy wedding with bridesmaids?". Our wedding is far from big and fancy. It's at a cute little venue and we are inviting 50 people. We both have two friends in our wedding party and that's it. She's just such a negative person in my life and I know she will be sitting at our wedding judging everything. I don't want her there but I don't know how to have that happen. My dad offered up $10K for the wedding which is pretty much covering the whole thing- again, its very small and simple which is what we wanted. Because he offered that up and its technically THEIR money, I feel like I can't not have her there but the thought of her being there is depressing me as I know she's going to put a damper on the whole day.

I spent almost a year in therapy with a therapist who told me that for my own health and wellbeing, I should cut her out completely. Thats how bad my childhood was because of her. I don't knwo what the point of this post is. Maybe someone has been in my shoes? Or someone can tell me that it's okay to not have her there. I don't know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's some weird hater on here giving you a hard time- ignore that person.

Here's my advice, though- you say you have siblings. Is it possible to assign someone to deal with her? That is, have someone who sits with her, who runs interference, who prevents her from getting to you?

Is she this way to your siblings? Is she different with you? Is this just how she is and for whatever reason your siblings cope with it in different ways?

I have no experienced anything like what you have posted, so take my advice for what it's worth. But for your family, maybe having her there (with several people in charge of keeping her away from you) might be worth it. tYes, she'd be in some pictures. But you can tell the photographer ahead of time about the issues and a skilled photographer will work to make her feel included while actually excluding her from some photos.

I had a tough experience with my MIL before the wedding. Several of my husband's friends knew, and simply ran interference whenever she was headed my way - they'd swoop in and take her to dance or distract her. It was awesome of them.

OP Here- My siblings are both in high school so I'd hate putting them in charge of something like that. My dad knows how I feel towards my mom so I could probably ask him to do his best to keep her away and keep her as "normal" as possible during our wedding. No, she's not like this with my siblings at all. My brother is her "baby" as it's her only boy so he can do no wrong in her eyes. My sister pretty much took the place of me and is the daughter she always wanted and she makes that very clear. My sister can also do no wrong in her eyes and gets away with everything. For example- when I was 17, I got my cartilage peirced (top part of my ear). When she saw it, she called me a whore and a bunch of other nasty names and let me know how trashy it was. When my sister turned 15, she wanted it done and my mom happily took her. When I was 16, I came home from the movies with eyeliner on and my mom literally dragged me to the bathroom and scrubbed my face. My sister has been wearing makeup since she was 13 and my mom constantly takes her to Sephora to stock up......so you can see where I am coming from?

That your mom isn't perfect? You seem incredibly judgemental.

OP's mother calling her a whore = "not perfect"; OP being upset about it = "incredibly judgmental"? ...that is crazy talk.

Anonymous wrote:Those who cut parents out of their lives should be aware they are setting an example for their children. Don't think for a moment they won't have grievances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's some weird hater on here giving you a hard time- ignore that person.

Here's my advice, though- you say you have siblings. Is it possible to assign someone to deal with her? That is, have someone who sits with her, who runs interference, who prevents her from getting to you?

Is she this way to your siblings? Is she different with you? Is this just how she is and for whatever reason your siblings cope with it in different ways?

I have no experienced anything like what you have posted, so take my advice for what it's worth. But for your family, maybe having her there (with several people in charge of keeping her away from you) might be worth it. tYes, she'd be in some pictures. But you can tell the photographer ahead of time about the issues and a skilled photographer will work to make her feel included while actually excluding her from some photos.

I had a tough experience with my MIL before the wedding. Several of my husband's friends knew, and simply ran interference whenever she was headed my way - they'd swoop in and take her to dance or distract her. It was awesome of them.

OP Here- My siblings are both in high school so I'd hate putting them in charge of something like that. My dad knows how I feel towards my mom so I could probably ask him to do his best to keep her away and keep her as "normal" as possible during our wedding. No, she's not like this with my siblings at all. My brother is her "baby" as it's her only boy so he can do no wrong in her eyes. My sister pretty much took the place of me and is the daughter she always wanted and she makes that very clear. My sister can also do no wrong in her eyes and gets away with everything. For example- when I was 17, I got my cartilage peirced (top part of my ear). When she saw it, she called me a whore and a bunch of other nasty names and let me know how trashy it was. When my sister turned 15, she wanted it done and my mom happily took her. When I was 16, I came home from the movies with eyeliner on and my mom literally dragged me to the bathroom and scrubbed my face. My sister has been wearing makeup since she was 13 and my mom constantly takes her to Sephora to stock up......so you can see where I am coming from?

That your mom isn't perfect? You seem incredibly judgemental.