Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] Can you answer the question (that was previously asked): what EXACTLY do you think a man would do if his wife no longer wants sex AND she does not want to divorce over this? In other words, she’s unilaterally changed the terms of their relationship AND simultaneously she wants to stay married. What does your brother do in that situation?[/quote]

It has been said on this thread many times.  You can choose to divorce before you cheat.  You are the one that has unilaterally changed the terms by cheating and lying about it (and all the millions of lies that you have told to enable the cheating).  Like you have been told and told and told, she may choose to divorce if she knew you were cheating.  You know that so won’t tell her, likely because you don’t want to upset your cake-eating situation and ruin your image with family, friends, neighbors, etc.  So to answer your question, in your situation I hope my brother would have an honest conversation with with his wife before cheating and make clear the options in that situation.[/quote]

You are responding to (and confusing) multiple different posters. Please follow this sequence carefully because it's essential to the matter.

1) a normal romantic relationship is formed that progresses through dating/engagement/marriage
2) throughout this time, a normal active sex life is enjoyed by both spouses
3) certain expectations of fidelity are formed by both sides: perhaps verbal, perhaps not, but this now becomes a monogamous relationship WITH an active satisfying sex life (these 2 conditions must co-occur... nobody pledges fidelity in return for chastity)
4) at some point, for some reason, the wife stops wanting sex, and she UNILATERALLY changes the terms of relationship
.... read that point #4 again: [b]the sexless wife has unilaterally broken the terms of a romantic monogamous relationship with active normal sex life[/b]
5) wife, using her brain, understands that her normal libido husband must (somehow!) continue to meet his normal sexual needs, but she DOES NOT want to know the details (otherwise, she would find out)
6) wife, now fully aware that he is "somehow" meeting his essential need for sex, she decides she want's to stay married (otherwise, she would divorce) the man she doesn't want sex with
7) husband now prevents divorce by meeting his sexual needs elsewhere, allowing the wife to stay married AND not have sex (ie, gives her exactly what she wants)

Before you again skip directly to step 7, back up and review steps 4/5/6. Do you seriously believe most women do not have a brain?
[/quote]

Let's back up a step even further. It appears to be completely normal, and actually expected, that a wife will lose her libido for her husband after having kids or during menopause.  I say expected because this situation is found as a fixture in sitcoms and literature.  (It's funny because it is true).

Why then do you think that women are being dishonest or disingenuous when then enter marriage with the expectation that things will rapidly cool off as their marriage gets longer? Why do men enter into a marriage contract when they can clearly see their parents, other relatives and adults, and in the media, that the sexual component of their marriage is likely to die, because their wife will stop wanting to have sex with them in the near or far future?

I think men and women are NOT changing the rules of engagement, but just fulfilling the path that is laid out for them by biology and society. By pretending he didn't know that his wife would stop wanting to have sex with him a man is being dishonest and misleading. He should not have married in the first place and continued to have an expectation of hot, abundant sex. He KNEW. He was TOLD. It was OBVIOUS.  Why he thought his marriage would be different is a question to ask. [/quote]

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