Reply to Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

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[quote=Anonymous]I get why OP can't divorce. I also don't view that as an option. Yes, it is partly because joint custody with someone low functioning does not really feel like a solution. I also have seen two divorces up close (two siblings) and the complications that arise when people get into other relationships and remarry, especially if their partners also have kids, do not make this look appealing to me at all. Divorce sucks.

But also I don't feel we can afford it, it would result in a downgrade in lifestyle for all of us, our kid likely having to leave our decent schools and go somewhere worse, both of us living in 2-bedroom condos, etc. We both work and make around the same amount, and our finances really don't work as well if not combined.

So what to do? First, go to therapy. Not the DH (I'll get to him). OP. Therapy will help you process your feelings of grief and frustration over having a partner who cannot or will not carry their weight with parenting. Getting that out in therapy will make it easier to deal with him at home, and to avoid taking out your frustration on your kids. And by the way, a good therapist will not sit there and say "why don't you just leave him?" They will listen, discuss how it all makes you feel, offer some tools for handling those feelings, and just be a safe space for you work through it all. They will be a support but not an advice giver. If you ever decide to divorce, they won't say "Finally," they'll say "And how did you arrive at this decision? How are you feeling about it?" A good therapist is a facilitator. You still own all your choices.

And then, yeah, tell your DH to go to therapy, tell him to take parenting classes. Tell him this behavior is not acceptable and if he can't control himself, remove you and your child from the situation and take care of it yourself. But the biggest thing I suggest telling him is that at the end of the day, this is HIS relationship with his child. Does he want her to remember him as angry, childish, impulsive, and unkind? Or does he want his adult child to think of her father as a role model, a support, someone she can lean on? It's up to him.

But you take care of you. You can do that within the marriage even when he's like this. I do. He owns his actions and I own mine. Sometimes we do work together well, sometimes he behaves like your DH. That's on him.[/quote]

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