Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A breastfed toddler would have been fine with dad while mom took the older kid to get medical attention. I say this as someone whose toddler has failure to thrive and night nursed until 2 and 1/2.

And why couldn’t dad just have … taken the older kid and let mom stay with the toddler? Did he need to die on that hill? if so, why? Did he need to start a pissing match about it?

That’s what people focusing on the breast feeding are missing. The DH would have found a reason to act out no matter what the issue - he gets triggered at anything going wrong.

I’m not going to let my kid with a head injury die on the hill that she has two parents and the dad can take her while I nurse my toddler to sleep.

The child who needs medical attention is the priority, not a nursing toddler. Nursing a toddler, outside of true medical needs, is more for the mom and her unwilling to ween than it is for the child. The child would be fine not nursing. Both parents fail as parents.

OP knew DH's tantrum was for her benefit and would end as soon as he left the house. He was angry he was being made to parent.

How would divorce work? OP cannot handle two kids alone?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, in the future I’d consider taking an injured child yourself, for their sake. Don’t put them in the middle when injured. I did EBF but you can be apart from a toddler to take care of an older child with a head injury. DD may look back and remember her dad as angry and unregulated but she may remember you pushing her to be alone with him and fighting with him even when she needed hospital care. DH is responsible for his choices as you are for yours. BF in G’s toddler is a thin excuse. I grew up with parents with your dynamic and am not close to either.

OP made a choice to stay home with the more vulnerable child knowing the child would not sleep if DH stayed. It wasn't an "excuse". Maybe you would have made a different choice.

The kid with the head injury was the more vulnerable child.

How is this even a question of mom or both parents should have taken the child to the doctor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A breastfed toddler would have been fine with dad while mom took the older kid to get medical attention. I say this as someone whose toddler has failure to thrive and night nursed until 2 and 1/2.

And why couldn’t dad just have … taken the older kid and let mom stay with the toddler? Did he need to die on that hill? if so, why? Did he need to start a pissing match about it?

That’s what people focusing on the breast feeding are missing. The DH would have found a reason to act out no matter what the issue - he gets triggered at anything going wrong.

I’m not going to let my kid with a head injury die on the hill that she has two parents and the dad can take her while I nurse my toddler to sleep.

The child who needs medical attention is the priority, not a nursing toddler. Nursing a toddler, outside of true medical needs, is more for the mom and her unwilling to ween than it is for the child. The child would be fine not nursing. Both parents fail as parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, in the future I’d consider taking an injured child yourself, for their sake. Don’t put them in the middle when injured. I did EBF but you can be apart from a toddler to take care of an older child with a head injury. DD may look back and remember her dad as angry and unregulated but she may remember you pushing her to be alone with him and fighting with him even when she needed hospital care. DH is responsible for his choices as you are for yours. BF in G’s toddler is a thin excuse. I grew up with parents with your dynamic and am not close to either.

OP made a choice to stay home with the more vulnerable child knowing the child would not sleep if DH stayed. It wasn't an "excuse". Maybe you would have made a different choice.

The kid with the head injury was the more vulnerable child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A breastfed toddler would have been fine with dad while mom took the older kid to get medical attention. I say this as someone whose toddler has failure to thrive and night nursed until 2 and 1/2.

And why couldn’t dad just have … taken the older kid and let mom stay with the toddler? Did he need to die on that hill? if so, why? Did he need to start a pissing match about it?

That’s what people focusing on the breast feeding are missing. The DH would have found a reason to act out no matter what the issue - he gets triggered at anything going wrong.

I’m not going to let my kid with a head injury die on the hill that she has two parents and the dad can take her while I nurse my toddler to sleep.

Anonymous wrote:OP, in the future I’d consider taking an injured child yourself, for their sake. Don’t put them in the middle when injured. I did EBF but you can be apart from a toddler to take care of an older child with a head injury. DD may look back and remember her dad as angry and unregulated but she may remember you pushing her to be alone with him and fighting with him even when she needed hospital care. DH is responsible for his choices as you are for yours. BF in G’s toddler is a thin excuse. I grew up with parents with your dynamic and am not close to either.

OP made a choice to stay home with the more vulnerable child knowing the child would not sleep if DH stayed. It wasn't an "excuse". Maybe you would have made a different choice.

OP, in the future I’d consider taking an injured child yourself, for their sake. Don’t put them in the middle when injured. I did EBF but you can be apart from a toddler to take care of an older child with a head injury. DD may look back and remember her dad as angry and unregulated but she may remember you pushing her to be alone with him and fighting with him even when she needed hospital care. DH is responsible for his choices as you are for yours. BF in G’s toddler is a thin excuse. I grew up with parents with your dynamic and am not close to either.

I get why OP can't divorce. I also don't view that as an option. Yes, it is partly because joint custody with someone low functioning does not really feel like a solution. I also have seen two divorces up close (two siblings) and the complications that arise when people get into other relationships and remarry, especially if their partners also have kids, do not make this look appealing to me at all. Divorce sucks.

But also I don't feel we can afford it, it would result in a downgrade in lifestyle for all of us, our kid likely having to leave our decent schools and go somewhere worse, both of us living in 2-bedroom condos, etc. We both work and make around the same amount, and our finances really don't work as well if not combined.

So what to do? First, go to therapy. Not the DH (I'll get to him). OP. Therapy will help you process your feelings of grief and frustration over having a partner who cannot or will not carry their weight with parenting. Getting that out in therapy will make it easier to deal with him at home, and to avoid taking out your frustration on your kids. And by the way, a good therapist will not sit there and say "why don't you just leave him?" They will listen, discuss how it all makes you feel, offer some tools for handling those feelings, and just be a safe space for you work through it all. They will be a support but not an advice giver. If you ever decide to divorce, they won't say "Finally," they'll say "And how did you arrive at this decision? How are you feeling about it?" A good therapist is a facilitator. You still own all your choices.

And then, yeah, tell your DH to go to therapy, tell him to take parenting classes. Tell him this behavior is not acceptable and if he can't control himself, remove you and your child from the situation and take care of it yourself. But the biggest thing I suggest telling him is that at the end of the day, this is HIS relationship with his child. Does he want her to remember him as angry, childish, impulsive, and unkind? Or does he want his adult child to think of her father as a role model, a support, someone she can lean on? It's up to him.

But you take care of you. You can do that within the marriage even when he's like this. I do. He owns his actions and I own mine. Sometimes we do work together well, sometimes he behaves like your DH. That's on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

What is your solution besides berating her?

OP is doing the best she can and folks have given tons of advice for trying to convince him to change his behavior (in between the ridiculous attacks on OP). But ultimately, that is up to him. She can only change what she has control over.

Where did I berate OP? What are you even talking about?

You said OP can't force her husband to change his behavior and she can't divorce him. Ok, so then what is your solution for her? Or are you more interested in blaming someone for doing something they didn't do than trying to help OP?

You keep asking the same questions and ignoring my answers so I am going to keep on copying and pasting them.

Some things that worked for convincing my DH to act like an adult (but it is a work in progress helped by the fact that our child is getting older and parenting is less intense):
1. Naming abuse accurately as abuse
2. Physically putting my body between me and child when he loses control and telling him "get away from her, do not ever do that again"
3. Telling DH he needs to take a parenting class and it is not up to me to find a class or sign him up, I am not minder and he needs to take full responsibility for it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

What is your solution besides berating her?

OP is doing the best she can and folks have given tons of advice for trying to convince him to change his behavior (in between the ridiculous attacks on OP). But ultimately, that is up to him. She can only change what she has control over.

Nothing preventing her from divorce.

Divorce.

Divorce would not change his behavior by itself. It would change their living situation, but not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So. What. Should. OP. Do?

l

Some things that worked for convincing my DH to act like an adult (but it is a work in progress helped by the fact that our child is getting older and parenting is less intense):
1. Naming abuse accurately as abuse
2. Physically putting my body between me and child when he loses control and telling him "get away from her, do not ever do that again"
3. Telling DH he needs to take a parenting class and it is not up to me to find a class or sign him up, I am not minder and he needs to take full responsibility for it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

What is your solution besides berating her?

OP is doing the best she can and folks have given tons of advice for trying to convince him to change his behavior (in between the ridiculous attacks on OP). But ultimately, that is up to him. She can only change what she has control over.

Nothing preventing her from divorce.

Divorce.

Divorce would not change his behavior by itself. It would change their living situation, but not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So. What. Should. OP. Do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

What is your solution besides berating her?

OP is doing the best she can and folks have given tons of advice for trying to convince him to change his behavior (in between the ridiculous attacks on OP). But ultimately, that is up to him. She can only change what she has control over.

Where did I berate OP? What are you even talking about?

You said OP can't force her husband to change his behavior and she can't divorce him. Ok, so then what is your solution for her? Or are you more interested in blaming someone for doing something they didn't do than trying to help OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

What is your solution besides berating her?

OP is doing the best she can and folks have given tons of advice for trying to convince him to change his behavior (in between the ridiculous attacks on OP). But ultimately, that is up to him. She can only change what she has control over.

Nothing preventing her from divorce.

Divorce.

This.

Divorce would not change his behavior by itself. It would change their living situation, but not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

Plenty here with children divorced their abusive spouse. They are not putting their children in more danger. Or maybe you think they are.

I'm sure some abusive spouses don't want custody. No guarantees though and plenty of people who feel their spouse shouldn't have custody don't get what they want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

What is your solution besides berating her?

OP is doing the best she can and folks have given tons of advice for trying to convince him to change his behavior (in between the ridiculous attacks on OP). But ultimately, that is up to him. She can only change what she has control over.

Nothing preventing her from divorce.

Divorce.

This.

Divorce would not change his behavior by itself. It would change their living situation, but not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

Plenty here with children divorced their abusive spouse. They are not putting their children in more danger. Or maybe you think they are.