Reply to Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am in charge of 95%+ of the household admin and am the main breadwinner. I am constantly resentful bc I am always either working, doing admin or at best telling dh to do things bc he does not initiate the need to do or buy anything that needs to be bought or happen. He took ds to an 8th birthday party today while I took other dc on overnight for travel sport. I reminded him multiple times about party and that he would need a gift; he said he would get the gift. ds tells me this evening that they were late to the party bc dh overslept and had no gift so gave kid money in envelope. 
yes dh has adhd. yes is on meds. 
I just don't get the mentality. Is it an assumption that I'll just do it? Or weaponized incompetence or like - what is benefit to dh of being like this? I do not understand. [/quote]

Please tell me how I can raise my ADHD son (on meds) not to become like this.  I am legitimately scared for his future partner and purposely trying to drop the rope now and help him care about anything, especially organization and hygiene.  It's a challenge.  [/quote]

As the wife of an adult who was diagnosed with ADHD after our baby was born but whose MIL later acknowledged all the things she did to make DH’s life work, I would do extensive work with executive functioning coaches and therapists trained in ADhD and anxiety and then I would encourage your son to consider not dating or marrying if you have the tiniest doubts about his executive functioning capacity. He can be an uncle and a friend and a lot of other things and still have a complete life.

It’s really unfair to kids to be fathered by someone who needs the same or more amount of parenting as them. I’m not trying to be mean, but you really can’t know how your son will function under the load of adult life and independence, and even career and college success is wildly different than the demands of family life. My DH can get through the work day and he can do 1-2 things at home or 1-2 things related to our kid, but once the meds wear off, which things will be completed is anyone’s guess. And yes, he still struggles with organization and hygiene, which is insane. I am parenting DH more than my 9 year old and it’s unfair to me and our child. MIL did apologize to me at one point. That was validating, if nothing else.[/quote]

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