Reply to Stopping caring saved my marriage

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Stopping caring saved my marriage"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I want specifics on how husbands have reacted. Have they said anything? Specific changes? Questions?[/quote]

Mine never said anything but after about six months he wondered why I so happy. Yup I leaned to give fewer fucks. I stop needed validation from him. Now I travel, see plays, go to concerts without caring if he wants to join me or not.

[/quote]

After reading this thread, I'm so happy to be divorced and dating a wonderful and kind man!

And now I know why so many people around here are so deeply unhappy.

[/quote]

I think part of the problem is that men can be wonderful and kind, but then once you are married, things change.  People are on their best behavior when they are dating.  Maybe the solution is not to move in together and not get married.

The problem with this thread is not all of the PPs are talking about the same thing.  Some (and I include OPin this category) are talking about what I think are more like cosmetic flaws in their marriage.  It's like when you are buying a house, and a house has cosmetic issues.

Others are talking about structural issues in their marriage, deeper problems.

For the marriages with cosmetic flaws, OP's strategy is a good one.  Basically, it's a decision not to get caught up in the small stuff and not to expect a lot of superfluous validation and accolades from your spouse.  So what if your husband doesn't get you flowers on Valentine's day.  Maybe it's better that your happiness is not dependent on those kind of, ultimately, surface-level things.  You spend less time getting upset that your husband didn't ooh and ahh at the dinner you made, and instead you make dinners you like, so that you don't need the constant validation.

But if your marriage has structural issues, then not caring isn't going to work.  If your husband is abusive or if he screams at you and humiliates you in front of your children or your friends, then no level of Buddhist detachment is going to make your marriage healthy.   If there is infidelity or lying or financial issues, detachment is NOT the solution.  Those structural problems need to be addressed.

OP's strategy only works if your marriage is structurally sound.

If there are big issues, you can still use OP's strategy while you figure out how to address them or how to get out of the marriage.  Basically, her approach is to disengage so as not to escalate.  And that is a good technique to use with someone who is emotionally abusive.  But it's not a long-term solution.

There's a difference between a marriage in which your husband screams at you on a daily basis and a marriage in which he doesn't put his socks in the hamper.  I think PPs are just lumping all marital problems in here.  OP's solution really is for the latter types of marital issues.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics