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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Really what you guys are describing is becoming whole and secure with yourselves. Once you do that, it's a whole lot easier to let the little stuff (and the big stuff) roll off your back.

Of course, the question is...how to become secure and whole.[/quote]

I don't agree with this.  PP here.  Everyone who knows me will tell you I was a more secure person, a more independent person before I got involved with DH.  My DH had emotional and phyiscal abuse as a child and he does not have a great family support system.  Actually, I have seen/corresponded with more of his family in recent years than he has.  Our problem is that he doesn't return basic pleasantries. He doesn't thank me for anything, he doesn't acknowledge my feelings at all (he wants to know why I have any feelings at all), and he doesn't do anything around our house and barely anything with our 4 yo DD.  I was raised differently, when I visit family and when I talk to other people, it is different.  We say words like "thank you" and "sorry."  He also seems to do things intentionally to piss me off.  I will share something and he will 3 seconds later do that exact thing I asked him not to do.

We all look to folks to validate our feelings.  Looking to someone who can't empathize to validate feelings is demoralizing in the worst way.  Not caring about his reaction or his feelings is the only way to make it through a marriage like this.[/quote]

NP, haven't read all 25 or whatever pages. But man oh man, immediate PP here, you could be me. This thread has been in my head the past several days. I want to stop caring but not sure how to do it, especially with a young toddler. I'm at a loss.[/quote]

I am that pp.  What I learned is that he's passive aggressive.  Apparently, according to the internet, he could be doing that crap because he was raised not being allowed to express his anger or other emotions.  So instead of telling me something upset him and allowing me to apologize or fix it and we move on, he winds up punishing me in various ways.  Most of them now involve him intentionally trying to rock the boat and screw up my life.

What a huge chunk of my marriage has come down to is that my husband is also a selfish, lazy SOB.  It means he doesn't do anything to upkeep the house we live in, I am responsible for all of the childcare arrangements, and

Here is where I am at right now:

-No matter what he does to intentionally upset me, I can't care at all.  I just expect him to screw it up on purpose, forget what I asked for from the store, or not show up to get DD when he was supposed to, etc.  I have 10 contingency plans for everything he could try to mess up.  If he is late home from work and I miss my yoga class, I can't care.  However, I have some friends I can text to see if they will take DD when I really want to do something.  They are now at the age where it's just easier to sometimes have two 4 year olds, because they can entertain each other.  Okay, so when your work schedule changes 15 times in 5 months, I am just going to schedule a sitter.  I know I can't count on him for anything.  He used to tell me he was leaving work after I was home with our toddler all day and then not actually leave for 90 minutes after that.  And then I wasn't allowed to get upset when he came home from work late 60 to 90 minutes later than I thought.  This and a combination of him just conveniently being allergic to everything I cooked meant I stopped cooking for him.  Based on this thread, I am just buying foods I want to cook and he can eat it or something else.  I like to eat steak.  I have been buying a lot of steak and veggies.  I am very happy eating the wonderful steak.

-I am not letting him in on my life.  Anything I say to him, he is going to find a way to use it against me or mess it up.  If I don't tell him I don't like something or ask him to do anything differently, he can't intentionally do the opposite.

-I am back to keeping a very clean house and running a tight ship.  I expect his clothes are going to be on the floor, that he's going to play with DD and trash the place and not pick it up.  I expect that he is going to leave dirty dishes around the house.  Or his new game is rinsing the dishes and setting them on the counter for me to load in the dish washer.  He asked me two weeks ago if that was okay, and I said no, please put them in the dishwasher (the 2nd time I asked him) and he blatantly said ok and put them on the counter.  It's some days like that where I just visualize taking a frying pan and beating the curb with it.

In line with this thread, if I want the clean house, I am just going to clean it.  I am not going to care that he is a SOB anymore.

-With the help of my parents, I spent a lot of time reorganizing my life to streamline what needs to get done.  We moved my office around so I could better work in there.  We reorganized part of the laundry area, so that it made it more conducive to getting the laundry folded (places to fold and hang).  And I got a planner and I now make lists and lists and more lists.  I have to be very organized if I am going to be remotely successful as a single parent in the house or out of it.

-I was staying at home and freelancing, so I just went out and got a fulltime job as not to give him total control of my finances.

-I am just going to do what I want and not care what he thinks or how that affects his life.  That is how he runs his life and he's turned my life upside down again and again and I'm not allowed to be upset.  What I have done is create a situation where I don't need him here to do what I want to do.  DD and I are having great adventures, and he's free to come along.  I am going to make decisions that are the best for me and her.

-Instead of getting upset at him, I am just texting or calling my parents and complaining every now and then.

-I keep rereading this thread.
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