Reply to Stopping caring saved my marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here. I grew up in a home with emotionally divorced parents-two emotionally detached people living two separate lives in the same home. My parents are fundamentally good people who are simply incompatible with each other. Divorce (outside of issues like abuse, addiction, crime, etc) was not an option for people in their generation/culture. In the early years, when they still thought their marriage was salvageable, there was a lot more fighting. From late ES onward, most of the open fighting just stopped. But my parents also stopped spending time with each other outside of activities we absolutely had to do as a family. Their entire relationship became predicated around hh management, childcare, eldercare, and maintaining the facade of a happy marriage to extended family/friends. Once my parents no longer had to deal with distractions from their marriage like childcare and eldercare, their marriage started to unravel again. They had to find new reasons for staying married- mostly financial security in their old age and feeling like they were too old to start over again.

People talk a lot about the negative effects of divorce (even amicable divorce)- having emotionally divorced/detached parents also involves its own set of issues. My brother and I always knew our parents' relationship wasn't normal. We didn't have an unhappy home but it wasn't happy either. They avoided each other except to handle daily logistical issues. Since my parents couldn't turn to each other as confidants, they turned to their children instead. Once my brother and I became adults, they began involving us in their marital issues. For the past twenty years, my parents have confirmed over and over again what we felt as kids. Both of my parents also don't see the other as their primary companion- they don't enjoy spending with each other so they, once again, turn to their children instead. Whenever my brother and I have tried to draw boundaries, we usually get hit with "we sacrifice so much for you/we stayed married for you." (Btw, we see them about 2-3x a month so it isn't an issue of not spending enough time with them.)

My parents stopped caring because that's what it took for them to stay married. In some ways, it actually increased their ability to handle hh/childcare/eldercare issues as a team. They became like co-workers who didn't particularly get along but were deeply committed to their profession. And out of professionalism, they put aside their egos/personal issues in order to get the job done. However, marriage isn't a profession and once the day/project ended, they couldn't go home. From a generational/cultural/individual perspective, I understand why my parents did what they did. I absolutely believe that my parents did the best they could. However, I can also say that [b]I don't want the responsibility of my parents' happiness. I wish they didn't stay married for their children. Certainly, I would have wanted them to try to their best to resolve their issues but stay in an emotionally void/dysfunctional marriage? Absolutely not.[/b] [/quote]

Grew up the same way and feel exactly the same way about it.[/quote]

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