Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have thought about this, my mindset.  Yes, I know cheating is wrong.  But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out.  My kids deserve better.[/quote]

As most cheaters do, you are engaging in a false but self-serving story that your cheating is “for the kids”.  It’s no less manipulative than those who say they’re keeping the affair secret from the wife to protect her from pain. [/quote]

I assume my wife knows, although she doesn't know who.  Wouldn't you assume your DH has gone from initiating all the time (and getting rejected 99% o the time) to getting needs met elsewhere if its been a year?  She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't want to know[/quote]

Again, you are assuming.  That “assumption” (that she knows) is a story you are telling yourself because it makes you feel better about cheating.  It allows you to posit that she knows and consents on some level to your affair.  Without the assumption that she “knows” you are cheating and “knows” you will get it elsewhere if she doesn’t provide sex, what you are doing is simply manipulation.  With the “assumptions” you are able to turn something pathological into some kind of heroic act you are doing to preserve the marriage for her (because you believe she can’t get better elsewhere and can’t bear the pain of the thought of you with someone else) or for the kids (who can’t bear the idea of not growing up in an intact family).  In the history of men and women, men often want to “protect” women and children when really they are “protecting” themselves.

Grownups talk explicitly about problems.  I did not have sex with my DH for over a year.  I explained to him why and what was necessary in order for us to have sex again. Changes didn’t happen, and after a significant period of time of trying to work our problems out I asked him to leave.  He was surprised and continued to try to reconcile for 2 plus years after that.  Who knows what he was thinking about our marriage.  He was initiating and getting rebuffed regularly. Why he thought I’d be OK with that is a mystery.  Perhaps it’s the sexist notion that women don’t really like sex and when they choose not have it it isn’t a reflection of the relationship and the partner but rather that women don’t like sex. Whatever he thought was definitely incompatible with what I was telling him about our marriage.

During that time I never cheated.  Did I think about it?  Was I tempted?  Of course, but I am a rational human in control of my behaviour, so I didn’t.  I also had enough respect for myself and him and my kids not to secretly manipulate him into staying in the relationship while getting my needs met elsewhere. 
[/quote]

You did what worked for your marriage and it worked out.  I am doing the same.  We are much more civil and happy in our sexless marriage than you were. Not everyone puts sex at the center of their relationship[/quote]

I did not put sex at the center of my marriage. I put honesty, transparency and negotiation at the center of my marriage.   Without those, I was living a charade.   [/quote]That's not exactly a happy ending.
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