Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

This seems like a waste of energy to me. But it ain’t my life. *shrug*

Anonymous wrote:My spouse’s old ugly middle aged non-working AP is in crisis mode deleting all of her social media accounts and internet presence. I love she’s freaking out.

I had all of that info downloaded and saved before confronting her on internet phone call.

I have a lot of “fun” in store for her over the next year.

She is a repeat Ashley Madison whore. Multiple affairs in her husband’s bed/kids’ home. Never thought she would get caught.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

What if the cheated on wife goes crazy ?

Nobody ever thinks of that scenario. They assume she is a doormat. Often, they are very strong women that cheater is afraid of.

Some make it a long-term mission to destroy both spouse and AP. The smart ones know how to lie low and poke and strike when they are least expecting it.

Why do the two cheaters get off free?? Often when one spouse finds out, the affair is ended and the AP partner is set free with no worries and does not have to suffer the damage that the innocent party she inflicted this damage on is going through. That is unacceptable. He/She should be forced to pay consequences. Even marriage counselors highly recommend telling the clueless spouse because his/her health and family safety is being put in jeopardy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

What if the cheated on wife goes crazy ?

Nobody ever thinks of that scenario. They assume she is a doormat. Often, they are very strong women that cheater is afraid of.

Some make it a long-term mission to destroy both spouse and AP. The smart ones know how to lie low and poke and strike when they are least expecting it.

Why do the two cheaters get off free?? Often when one spouse finds out, the affair is ended and the AP partner is set free with no worries and does not have to suffer the damage that the innocent party she inflicted this damage on is going through. That is unacceptable. He/She should be forced to pay consequences. Even marriage counselors highly recommend telling the clueless spouse because his/her health and family safety is being put in jeopardy.

Anonymous wrote:PP, you have the conversation so you can live an honest life and so your spouse knows the truth of their own life. This could go bad in so many ways. What if the DH of his AP finds out and goes crazy? What if AP is a co-worker and it risks the cheater's job if discovered? If his own kids find out, it is very likely to impact his relationship with them . . . kids normally would be protective of their mom in this situation. This would affect how his own family of origin, inlaws, friends, coworkers, neighbors will see him - but he knows this, and is selfish, so it's better for him to sneak around and hope no one finds out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, not the one you are arguing with but in a similar situation. My answer to the above two questions:

1) Marriage became sexless over time. We had a totally normal and great sexual relationship dating and pre-kids. Once kids came, it was basically duty sex only. We probably had two dozen discussions, she always said she knows its an issue, felt bad about it. Yes, tried toys, novelty, scheduling, etc. but she never regained interest. After a decade of this, i stopped initiating because it was clear she was just doing it to get it over with. While you may see that as a loving compromise, to be resigned to sex with an uninterested partner - who tells you to do it and get it over with - is soul crushing.

2) My wife has told me she doesn't want to know. It would surprise you but she and I are really quite happy and sometimes playful know. Does she suspect something? I am sure, she can't possibly believe I have gone from a high drive person to nothing. It's been a year since we have been intimate.

Sexual variety is nice and sex with AP is great but I would give it up if i could have a fun sexual experience with my wife. As my AP says, my wife could put her out of business tomorrow.

PP - have you had one AP or several? Where are you finding them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have thought about this, my mindset. Yes, I know cheating is wrong. But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out. My kids deserve better.

As most cheaters do, you are engaging in a false but self-serving story that your cheating is “for the kids”. It’s no less manipulative than those who say they’re keeping the affair secret from the wife to protect her from pain.

I assume my wife knows, although she doesn't know who. Wouldn't you assume your DH has gone from initiating all the time (and getting rejected 99% o the time) to getting needs met elsewhere if its been a year? She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't want to know

Again, you are assuming. That “assumption” (that she knows) is a story you are telling yourself because it makes you feel better about cheating. It allows you to posit that she knows and consents on some level to your affair. Without the assumption that she “knows” you are cheating and “knows” you will get it elsewhere if she doesn’t provide sex, what you are doing is simply manipulation. With the “assumptions” you are able to turn something pathological into some kind of heroic act you are doing to preserve the marriage for her (because you believe she can’t get better elsewhere and can’t bear the pain of the thought of you with someone else) or for the kids (who can’t bear the idea of not growing up in an intact family). In the history of men and women, men often want to “protect” women and children when really they are “protecting” themselves.

Grownups talk explicitly about problems. I did not have sex with my DH for over a year. I explained to him why and what was necessary in order for us to have sex again. Changes didn’t happen, and after a significant period of time of trying to work our problems out I asked him to leave. He was surprised and continued to try to reconcile for 2 plus years after that. Who knows what he was thinking about our marriage. He was initiating and getting rebuffed regularly. Why he thought I’d be OK with that is a mystery. Perhaps it’s the sexist notion that women don’t really like sex and when they choose not have it it isn’t a reflection of the relationship and the partner but rather that women don’t like sex. Whatever he thought was definitely incompatible with what I was telling him about our marriage.

During that time I never cheated. Did I think about it? Was I tempted? Of course, but I am a rational human in control of my behaviour, so I didn’t. I also had enough respect for myself and him and my kids not to secretly manipulate him into staying in the relationship while getting my needs met elsewhere.

Why did you stay married to an unattractive asshole for several years who you didn’t even want sex with? Sounds like you were not so great at explicit communication and problem solving as you claim. Otherwise you would have quickly resolved the issue or left that jerk face idiot.

Normal men cannot go years without sex as you did. So while it may be possible for women, that’s just not a legit option for men.

Not sure where you got no sex for “years” from. I did not say that. I said no sex for one year, then I asked DH to move out and I ended the marriage. Are you saying men cannot go without sex for a year? Really? I mean it wasn’t pleasant, but it was possible. One year without sex wasn’t so horrifying that I had to cheat on him.

Woman here. No way could I go a year with no sex! Horrible!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have thought about this, my mindset. Yes, I know cheating is wrong. But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out. My kids deserve better.

As most cheaters do, you are engaging in a false but self-serving story that your cheating is “for the kids”. It’s no less manipulative than those who say they’re keeping the affair secret from the wife to protect her from pain.

I assume my wife knows, although she doesn't know who. Wouldn't you assume your DH has gone from initiating all the time (and getting rejected 99% o the time) to getting needs met elsewhere if its been a year? She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't want to know

Again, you are assuming. That “assumption” (that she knows) is a story you are telling yourself because it makes you feel better about cheating. It allows you to posit that she knows and consents on some level to your affair. Without the assumption that she “knows” you are cheating and “knows” you will get it elsewhere if she doesn’t provide sex, what you are doing is simply manipulation. With the “assumptions” you are able to turn something pathological into some kind of heroic act you are doing to preserve the marriage for her (because you believe she can’t get better elsewhere and can’t bear the pain of the thought of you with someone else) or for the kids (who can’t bear the idea of not growing up in an intact family). In the history of men and women, men often want to “protect” women and children when really they are “protecting” themselves.

Grownups talk explicitly about problems. I did not have sex with my DH for over a year. I explained to him why and what was necessary in order for us to have sex again. Changes didn’t happen, and after a significant period of time of trying to work our problems out I asked him to leave. He was surprised and continued to try to reconcile for 2 plus years after that. Who knows what he was thinking about our marriage. He was initiating and getting rebuffed regularly. Why he thought I’d be OK with that is a mystery. Perhaps it’s the sexist notion that women don’t really like sex and when they choose not have it it isn’t a reflection of the relationship and the partner but rather that women don’t like sex. Whatever he thought was definitely incompatible with what I was telling him about our marriage.

During that time I never cheated. Did I think about it? Was I tempted? Of course, but I am a rational human in control of my behaviour, so I didn’t. I also had enough respect for myself and him and my kids not to secretly manipulate him into staying in the relationship while getting my needs met elsewhere.

Why did you stay married to an unattractive asshole for several years who you didn’t even want sex with? Sounds like you were not so great at explicit communication and problem solving as you claim. Otherwise you would have quickly resolved the issue or left that jerk face idiot.

Normal men cannot go years without sex as you did. So while it may be possible for women, that’s just not a legit option for men.

Not sure where you got no sex for “years” from. I did not say that. I said no sex for one year, then I asked DH to move out and I ended the marriage. Are you saying men cannot go without sex for a year? Really? I mean it wasn’t pleasant, but it was possible. One year without sex wasn’t so horrifying that I had to cheat on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have thought about this, my mindset. Yes, I know cheating is wrong. But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out. My kids deserve better.

As most cheaters do, you are engaging in a false but self-serving story that your cheating is “for the kids”. It’s no less manipulative than those who say they’re keeping the affair secret from the wife to protect her from pain.

I assume my wife knows, although she doesn't know who. Wouldn't you assume your DH has gone from initiating all the time (and getting rejected 99% o the time) to getting needs met elsewhere if its been a year? She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't want to know

Again, you are assuming. That “assumption” (that she knows) is a story you are telling yourself because it makes you feel better about cheating. It allows you to posit that she knows and consents on some level to your affair. Without the assumption that she “knows” you are cheating and “knows” you will get it elsewhere if she doesn’t provide sex, what you are doing is simply manipulation. With the “assumptions” you are able to turn something pathological into some kind of heroic act you are doing to preserve the marriage for her (because you believe she can’t get better elsewhere and can’t bear the pain of the thought of you with someone else) or for the kids (who can’t bear the idea of not growing up in an intact family). In the history of men and women, men often want to “protect” women and children when really they are “protecting” themselves.

Grownups talk explicitly about problems. I did not have sex with my DH for over a year. I explained to him why and what was necessary in order for us to have sex again. Changes didn’t happen, and after a significant period of time of trying to work our problems out I asked him to leave. He was surprised and continued to try to reconcile for 2 plus years after that. Who knows what he was thinking about our marriage. He was initiating and getting rebuffed regularly. Why he thought I’d be OK with that is a mystery. Perhaps it’s the sexist notion that women don’t really like sex and when they choose not have it it isn’t a reflection of the relationship and the partner but rather that women don’t like sex. Whatever he thought was definitely incompatible with what I was telling him about our marriage.

During that time I never cheated. Did I think about it? Was I tempted? Of course, but I am a rational human in control of my behaviour, so I didn’t. I also had enough respect for myself and him and my kids not to secretly manipulate him into staying in the relationship while getting my needs met elsewhere.

You did what worked for your marriage and it worked out. I am doing the same. We are much more civil and happy in our sexless marriage than you were. Not everyone puts sex at the center of their relationship

I did not put sex at the center of my marriage. I put honesty, transparency and negotiation at the center of my marriage. Without those, I was living a charade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have thought about this, my mindset. Yes, I know cheating is wrong. But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out. My kids deserve better.

As most cheaters do, you are engaging in a false but self-serving story that your cheating is “for the kids”. It’s no less manipulative than those who say they’re keeping the affair secret from the wife to protect her from pain.

I assume my wife knows, although she doesn't know who. Wouldn't you assume your DH has gone from initiating all the time (and getting rejected 99% o the time) to getting needs met elsewhere if its been a year? She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't want to know

Again, you are assuming. That “assumption” (that she knows) is a story you are telling yourself because it makes you feel better about cheating. It allows you to posit that she knows and consents on some level to your affair. Without the assumption that she “knows” you are cheating and “knows” you will get it elsewhere if she doesn’t provide sex, what you are doing is simply manipulation. With the “assumptions” you are able to turn something pathological into some kind of heroic act you are doing to preserve the marriage for her (because you believe she can’t get better elsewhere and can’t bear the pain of the thought of you with someone else) or for the kids (who can’t bear the idea of not growing up in an intact family). In the history of men and women, men often want to “protect” women and children when really they are “protecting” themselves.

Grownups talk explicitly about problems. I did not have sex with my DH for over a year. I explained to him why and what was necessary in order for us to have sex again. Changes didn’t happen, and after a significant period of time of trying to work our problems out I asked him to leave. He was surprised and continued to try to reconcile for 2 plus years after that. Who knows what he was thinking about our marriage. He was initiating and getting rebuffed regularly. Why he thought I’d be OK with that is a mystery. Perhaps it’s the sexist notion that women don’t really like sex and when they choose not have it it isn’t a reflection of the relationship and the partner but rather that women don’t like sex. Whatever he thought was definitely incompatible with what I was telling him about our marriage.

During that time I never cheated. Did I think about it? Was I tempted? Of course, but I am a rational human in control of my behaviour, so I didn’t. I also had enough respect for myself and him and my kids not to secretly manipulate him into staying in the relationship while getting my needs met elsewhere.

Why did you stay married to an unattractive asshole for several years who you didn’t even want sex with? Sounds like you were not so great at explicit communication and problem solving as you claim. Otherwise you would have quickly resolved the issue or left that jerk face idiot.

Normal men cannot go years without sex as you did. So while it may be possible for women, that’s just not a legit option for men.

Not sure where you got no sex for “years” from. I did not say that. I said no sex for one year, then I asked DH to move out and I ended the marriage. Are you saying men cannot go without sex for a year? Really? I mean it wasn’t pleasant, but it was possible. One year without sex wasn’t so horrifying that I had to cheat on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have thought about this, my mindset. Yes, I know cheating is wrong. But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out. My kids deserve better.

As most cheaters do, you are engaging in a false but self-serving story that your cheating is “for the kids”. It’s no less manipulative than those who say they’re keeping the affair secret from the wife to protect her from pain.

I assume my wife knows, although she doesn't know who. Wouldn't you assume your DH has gone from initiating all the time (and getting rejected 99% o the time) to getting needs met elsewhere if its been a year? She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't want to know

Again, you are assuming. That “assumption” (that she knows) is a story you are telling yourself because it makes you feel better about cheating. It allows you to posit that she knows and consents on some level to your affair. Without the assumption that she “knows” you are cheating and “knows” you will get it elsewhere if she doesn’t provide sex, what you are doing is simply manipulation. With the “assumptions” you are able to turn something pathological into some kind of heroic act you are doing to preserve the marriage for her (because you believe she can’t get better elsewhere and can’t bear the pain of the thought of you with someone else) or for the kids (who can’t bear the idea of not growing up in an intact family). In the history of men and women, men often want to “protect” women and children when really they are “protecting” themselves.

Grownups talk explicitly about problems. I did not have sex with my DH for over a year. I explained to him why and what was necessary in order for us to have sex again. Changes didn’t happen, and after a significant period of time of trying to work our problems out I asked him to leave. He was surprised and continued to try to reconcile for 2 plus years after that. Who knows what he was thinking about our marriage. He was initiating and getting rebuffed regularly. Why he thought I’d be OK with that is a mystery. Perhaps it’s the sexist notion that women don’t really like sex and when they choose not have it it isn’t a reflection of the relationship and the partner but rather that women don’t like sex. Whatever he thought was definitely incompatible with what I was telling him about our marriage.

During that time I never cheated. Did I think about it? Was I tempted? Of course, but I am a rational human in control of my behaviour, so I didn’t. I also had enough respect for myself and him and my kids not to secretly manipulate him into staying in the relationship while getting my needs met elsewhere.

You did what worked for your marriage and it worked out. I am doing the same. We are much more civil and happy in our sexless marriage than you were. Not everyone puts sex at the center of their relationship

I did not put sex at the center of my marriage. I put honesty, transparency and negotiation at the center of my marriage. Without those, I was living a charade.

Fair enough. Some people see sex as optional in a marriage. You do, my wife does, I don't.

It's so weird how deep you are in your self-justification that you can't even use your reading comprehension. I never said I saw sex as optional. I just said that I didn't put it in the center of my marriage -- in the center were honesty, transparency and negotiation, but that doesn't mean sex wasn't important to me. I would never consider going without sex my whole life or even a significant portion nor would I expect anyone else to (although some choose that). I went without sex for a year before I ended my marriage because even after discussing issues, my DH wouldn't make changes to the marriage that were necessary for us to resume our sex life.

I also never said we weren't civil and happy -- that is something you made up to self-justify your own actions (the "she likes it this way; we're happy" argument).

Sex is very important in a marriage to most (but not all people). The issues isn't at all how important sex is or isn't. It is whether you are brave enough to have an honest conversation with your wife about non-monogamy if she isn't going to have sex with you, and to manage the fact that she may respond in a way that you don't like.

The basic principle of sex is informed consent. Even in polyamory, the parameters of non-monogamy are carefully and explicitly negotiated.

But, you, apparently, believe that sex is so important it's OK to lie (whether by omission or commission) in order to get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have thought about this, my mindset. Yes, I know cheating is wrong. But after years of rejection, I prioritize happiness as follows 1) my kids, 2) mine, 3) spouse

Divorce is the easy way out. My kids deserve better.

As most cheaters do, you are engaging in a false but self-serving story that your cheating is “for the kids”. It’s no less manipulative than those who say they’re keeping the affair secret from the wife to protect her from pain.

I assume my wife knows, although she doesn't know who. Wouldn't you assume your DH has gone from initiating all the time (and getting rejected 99% o the time) to getting needs met elsewhere if its been a year? She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't want to know

Again, you are assuming. That “assumption” (that she knows) is a story you are telling yourself because it makes you feel better about cheating. It allows you to posit that she knows and consents on some level to your affair. Without the assumption that she “knows” you are cheating and “knows” you will get it elsewhere if she doesn’t provide sex, what you are doing is simply manipulation. With the “assumptions” you are able to turn something pathological into some kind of heroic act you are doing to preserve the marriage for her (because you believe she can’t get better elsewhere and can’t bear the pain of the thought of you with someone else) or for the kids (who can’t bear the idea of not growing up in an intact family). In the history of men and women, men often want to “protect” women and children when really they are “protecting” themselves.

Grownups talk explicitly about problems. I did not have sex with my DH for over a year. I explained to him why and what was necessary in order for us to have sex again. Changes didn’t happen, and after a significant period of time of trying to work our problems out I asked him to leave. He was surprised and continued to try to reconcile for 2 plus years after that. Who knows what he was thinking about our marriage. He was initiating and getting rebuffed regularly. Why he thought I’d be OK with that is a mystery. Perhaps it’s the sexist notion that women don’t really like sex and when they choose not have it it isn’t a reflection of the relationship and the partner but rather that women don’t like sex. Whatever he thought was definitely incompatible with what I was telling him about our marriage.

During that time I never cheated. Did I think about it? Was I tempted? Of course, but I am a rational human in control of my behaviour, so I didn’t. I also had enough respect for myself and him and my kids not to secretly manipulate him into staying in the relationship while getting my needs met elsewhere.

Why did you stay married to an unattractive asshole for several years who you didn’t even want sex with? Sounds like you were not so great at explicit communication and problem solving as you claim. Otherwise you would have quickly resolved the issue or left that jerk face idiot.

Normal men cannot go years without sex as you did. So while it may be possible for women, that’s just not a legit option for men.