Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

Sure, tell them with a psychologist, but you are still recommending telling them. What I am wondering about is the view of the people in favor of hiding affairs. Do those people think it is better to learn about cheating from a middle school bully or proactively from parents or in a therapist’s office? Because my impression of the “never tell” people is that they actually think it’s better for a child to learn from his middle school bully than to hear it proactively, which I find astonishing.

I think you are misunderstanding their opinion. They are not necessarily in favor of hiding affairs. They think that the chances of messing up in the process of telling the kids is much higher than the chances of the kid being messed up by finding out elsewhere.

You might disagree with their assessment, but claiming that they are in favor of hiding affairs is an misunderstanding of their position.

I don' t tell my kids about my sex life with their dad. It dies not mean that DH and I are hiding our sex lives. It's just not an appropriate conversation to have with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

Sure, tell them with a psychologist, but you are still recommending telling them. What I am wondering about is the view of the people in favor of hiding affairs. Do those people think it is better to learn about cheating from a middle school bully or proactively from parents or in a therapist’s office? Because my impression of the “never tell” people is that they actually think it’s better for a child to learn from his middle school bully than to hear it proactively, which I find astonishing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they ask directly about affairs, don’t lie. But otherwise no need to tell. Marriages are complicated and the cheating is usually not the first step to the end. If they aren’t asking, don’t dump it all on them.

I agree with this, but especially that cheating is usually one of several bad acts leading up to divorce and usually both sides bear some blame for the divorce. I don't get why people are so focused on cheating. Why not focus on the neglect they lead up to it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

There’s no victim blaming in the post, it’s speaking to the abstract. That you apply the scenario to your behavior is pretty telling. Clearly you have inappropriately burdened your kids, there’s no other reason for the ratcheting hysterics. Get help - your posts are filled with rage and pretty scary at this point.

My "posts" (plural)? Uh, no. And I haven't been cheated on, but I've seen it ruin marriages around me and the kids universally knew. In one case, it was the talk of the town.

Don’t worry. Of course this is the logical answer. There is an insane cheater here posting repeatedly who is clearly terrified his kids will find out the truth.

Anonymous wrote:It’s like Dreams of my Father. The people who had messed up cheating dads are angry their moms woke them up from their dream.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have zero obligation to protect the image of the cheater. There is a difference between disparagement and refusing to lie for someone. Cheaters always want to believe what they’ve done is No Big Deal, and why aren’t you over it yet? So it’s always so curious why then that NO ONE MUST KNOW about this little, minimal thing they may have done, that you shouldn’t feel so upset about?

Per usual, you care more about holding the cheaters accountable than protecting the kids. You’re not shielding the cheater for their own good. If your husband cheats on you and doesn’t have kids then whatever, take out an ad in the local paper! But when you have kids you make a commitment (or should have made a commitment) to put their interests first. And the reality is that kids don’t do well when they’re put in the middle and they (generally) do better when they have positive loving relationships with both parents. If that’s possible then both parents should be striving for it.

The onus for “putting the kids first” and the loving family relationship is put on the non-cheating spouse. The cheater can just not come home (because he or she is already hooking up with a new person) and it’s all ok.

Go ahead and blab to your friends and your family about your horrible ex. Keep whining, keep insisting they choose sides. Be unpleasant. See where it gets you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

I suspect you would also be angry at family members who go public about being a victim of child abuse by family members, so I’m glad not to agree with you on this.

Because child abuse and cheating are the same thing.

On the side of the family secret keepers, I see. Yeah, that’s not a side I want to be on, thanks. I am not protecting the secrets of abusers.

Oh please. Focus on your child. That's whose side you should be on.

Of course. That means honesty and not hiding the secrets of abusers. I don’t tolerate not being honest about abusive family members. Obviously you do but we are different that way.

You are hiding your urge to punish your ex and turn your kids against him behind a fig leaf of "honesty and not hiding the secrets of abusers". Would it help you to know that when your kids grow up they will understand your true motives and they won't be impressed with you?

I’m happily married and have been for over 20 years. My spouse is the child of a cheater, though, and feels very strongly that hiding the truth is nearly always harmful. I believe him, especially because the people who want cheating kept hidden tend to also want things like abuse and child molestation hidden. It’s the wrong side to be on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they ask directly about affairs, don’t lie. But otherwise no need to tell. Marriages are complicated and the cheating is usually not the first step to the end. If they aren’t asking, don’t dump it all on them.

I agree with this, but especially that cheating is usually one of several bad acts leading up to divorce and usually both sides bear some blame for the divorce. I don't get why people are so focused on cheating. Why not focus on the neglect they lead up to it?

Anonymous wrote:If they ask directly about affairs, don’t lie. But otherwise no need to tell. Marriages are complicated and the cheating is usually not the first step to the end. If they aren’t asking, don’t dump it all on them.

Anonymous wrote:Oh please, nothing magic happens at the age 18 that makes kids capable of handling this information. What a strange and arbitrary suggestion. Of course there are reasons kids would need to know before that. For example, a child is 16 years old and finds out his parents are divorcing. One parent moves out and moves into an apartment with family friend of the opposite gender, announces they are now dating and let’s the kids know that they are now swing this person. The betrayed spouses is just supposed to say nothing for 2 years? Ridiculous. It needs to be addressed because the irresponsible cheater’s behavior shoved the kids into the dumpster fire with their actions.

Another example….. one parent has an affair with their child’s sports coach (or teacher, or really anyone associated with a child’s extracurricular activities). The spouse of the coach shows up at an event and makes a scene, confronting the child’s parent and calling them a home wrecker. All the child’s teammates see this. Still, say nothing until the kid is 18?

One parent has an affair. The parents agree to tell their child nothing other than that they are divorcing because three grew apart. A year later, a kid in there school bus tells the kid that their parent had an affair, they heard it from so-and-so. The kid is 12. Continue to lie until they are 18?

Also, no one is advocating ti emotionally dump inappropriate information into young kids. Literally everyone here has been advocating telling an AGE APPROPRIATE explanation that makes it clear that they support the kid having an ongoing loving positive relationship with the other parent.

It’s strange you can’t comprehend that no one is actually proposing villifying the cheating parent. Of course some people do that, but that’s the difference between doing it in a healthy way that demonstrates honesty, trust, and respect. I think it just upsets some of you to realize that the tide has turned and that it is no longer socially acceptable to expect betrayed spouses to participate in the cover up of the cheater’s affair.

If your parents are the type of parents that are going to go to war during divorce and put their kids in the middle and make them choose sides, that is going to have a much bigger impact on you as a child than simply knowing the cause of the divorce. Either the parents are emotionally mature enough to divorce without going to war or they aren’t.

But also…. Cheaters can’t launch a massive war inside a marriage by having an affair and then expect their spouse not to respond. As they say…. If you throw a Sh** Bomb, you can’t act surprised when it explodes.