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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can't speak to the therapist's intent behind the statements about the link between the alcoholism and cheating, but I think it's not helpful to think of the alcoholism as causing or excusing his lying and relationship outside your marriage (be it emotional or physical).

Your DH is a practiced liar.  What you know about so far is the relationship with this woman and a drinking problem.  Whatever mental health and brain issues he has that manifest as alcoholism can easily go hand-in-hand with other addictive behaviors like seeking extra-marital positive feelings about himself.  It's all very concerning.

It's not insurmountable, but this is a long-haul thing (if you even want to try).  I suggest thinking long and hard about what YOU want and do not rely on his statements about what he wants as any kind of guarantee or guide as to what you want.  Read and research about alcoholism, addiction, lying, affairs.  Recovery is possible but most people go back to these behaviors (despite saying "never again" and meaning it at the time), even if temporarily.  Can you live with more of this?  Can you live with the doubts and be happy?

To me the signs that he's all-in on the marriage sound like more gung-ho addictive behavior.  He's all over the place.  He went from daily romantic contact over an extended period with another woman to being super present in your and the kids' lives?  How long is that going to last and be satisfying for him?  Can you accept that he was pouring his emotional resources into another woman for so long and now like a rubber band has snapped back and it goes to you now?  For how long?[/quote]

This is good point to consider. You can choose to stay with him and work on rebuilding, but you will have to accept that you can't trust him. The roots of his addictive behavior need work, and he will always be susceptible. He is still lying and will be likely to lie again.

So do you feel you can handle whatever happens? Can you handle living day in, day out without trust? Even if things go better, every day you'll encounter painful moments where you'll doubt. You can't control him, though as people have mentioned with the transparency practices and the post-nup negotiations, you can make the terms of him staying crystal clear.

I've stayed with someone like this, and the hardest part is living with the lack of trust. It's stressful and draining. Oh he's addictively all in, and has done a lot of therapy and work on the root causes of his issues, and he's been acting better for several years. But the trust never comes back. I only relax when I'm away from him. When I'm around healthy, trustworthy people it's like a soothing balm, an absence of the chronic pain that I've gotten used to with him. [/quote]

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