Reply to How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm 29. My dad cheated on my mom, and unfortunately I was the one who discovered the affair. My dad has a way more powerful and high earning job with great connections, and my mom works as a school admin. If he wanted to he could have decimated her in a divorce, so I told her so she could get things ready to divorce him.

It's been two years but things are very terse and cordial with my dad. He imploded my family because he wanted pussy. I will never forgive him.[/quote]

Wow.  I'm curious how you worked up the courage to tell your mom and how she reacted?  How did she "get ready" to divorce him?  How did you and she manage to keep it secret that you knew and for how long?

Good for you for recognizing wrong when you saw it and protecting the more vulnerable person in the family. [/quote]

It took about 24 hours of working up courage. At first she didn't believe me. I couldn't even believe it myself but I had written (email) proof. I might not have told her if it was just a fling or something but my dad was planning on getting a new job halfway across the country (where his mistress lives) and totally uprooting his life to be with her. My parents were parried for 35 years. He probably would have strung my mom along for as long as he could before he would actually divorce her. She found a lawyer, got finances in order, and started to take a close look at her budget. She had to stop making retirement payments temporarily so she could afford her lawyer. I gave her a loan as well. It was hellish. It still is, in many regards. Holidays are incredibly painful. My brother is getting married in a month and there is so much pain about inviting him to a celebration of love and matrimony. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It doesn't make it any easier that I am an adult and have my own husband, life, live thousands of miles away. My sister is still in college and is caught between them and it's even worse for her. It affects us so much and anyone who thinks otherwise is lying to themselves.[/quote]

I'm so I'm impressed with you and your mom.  You are strong ladies.  Just wondering why invite your dad to the wedding?   Is your brother not as concerned about what has happened to your mom?  [/quote]

It’s been two years and we have tried our best to move on. He is still our dad and is invited to the wedding. He made mistakes but at the end of the day, he didn’t screw over my mom in the divorce, and has tried really hard to ask for our forgiveness and be back in our lives. Even though I’ll never forgive my dad, I can understand (on an abstract level) why he did what he did. I still don’t trust him at all (he’s still with the woman but lying about it, which doesn’t make much sense to us) but I couldn’t keep living with all that hate in my heart. I HATED him. Now he’s just my dad who has made a horrible mistake two years ago. It’s hard to explain. [/quote]

Thank you again for posting.  This is helpful to understand.

My question is that ultimately, there's no consequence for the cheater in the long term from his perspective.  He gets to live the life he wants, his relationship with his kid remains intact as he sees it (you may not but he may be OK with it).  Does this mean that there's no real consequence in the long term for the cheaters?  They just need to show a bit of remorse to kids and then move on.  I struggle a bit with this (not that my husband has cheated but conceptually).[/quote]

PP whose mom was cheated on. I struggled with this too. He’s living his life with his new chick, he still gets to be “dad” (even though like you said the relationship is nothing like it was before, it is still there), he’s living on his own, doing whatever he wants. I think there is no such thing as justice. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people who do bad things still sometimes live happy lives. It took a lot of therapy to realize stuff like that. My mom wasn’t perfect in her marriage but at least she didn’t cheat. She is a good person and a bad thing happened to her, and her life is pretty shitty and lonely now. There is no justice. [/quote]

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