Reply to How did you get over your AP?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Of course the cheated on spouse deserves to know.  They deserve to know who they are married to and make their own decision on how to proceed.  They also need to know that everything isn't their fault, that when someone has an affair, they often justify it by blaming the cheated on spouse for both the affair and a whole host of other things, and the cheated on spouse should know about the affair to realize that no, not everything is their fault.  It's extremely patronizing to take that decision and knowledge away from someone who has no clue who he/she is living with.[/quote]

If my husband had an affair and broke it off because he wanted to commit to our marriage and fix the problems in our marriage that made him interested in an affair, I would not want to know about the affair. I would prefer to work on the problems in our marriage. You are fooling yourself if you think everyone wants to know and also if you think that many affairs are partially caused by problems in the marriage. Obviously there are people who are simply broken, but I have long since stopped being surprised when people in marriages where one or both parties does not place priority on maintaining intimacy (emotional and/or physical) find intimacy (emotional and/or physical) in other places. [/quote]

You are fooling yourself if you thing affairs are cause by "problems in the marriage". That is like saying I drink too much because my spouse is a bitch. Affairs are caused by problems in the individual.

but I agree, not to tell the H... most counselors will agree... since the affair rarely has anything to do with the spouse or the marriage, it has something to do with the individual having the affair. If you get into individual counseling and are willing to fix the parts of your self that make you turn to alcohol, drugs, and affairs to sooth the shortcomings in yourself, you don't need to tell the H (aka "fix the marriage").

It's like fixing a car with a flat tire by washing/painting/vacuuming the car... there is nothing wrong with the car, get a workable tire. [/quote]

Okay, but what if there IS something wrong with the car? What if the car, in addition to the flat tire, also needs general maintenance. Like I said, you are fooling yourself if you think that "problems in the marriage" are not one reason people have affairs - particularly emotional affairs. I also think that in your other example, drinking may be a way of coping with the way your spouse treats you - you are still responsible for your own behavior, but behavior doesn't just materialize out of nowhere. It is correlated to other behaviors and situations.

I am not blaming the cheated on spouse. I am simply saying that if a person says "There are X, Y and Z problems in my marriage and how I dealt with those was to have an affair, but now I would like to deal with X, Y and Z problems to fix the marriage" the problems do not disappear in the wake of the affair.[/quote]

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