Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation - i "broke up" with him and at first it was painful but then I started to see the situation as the mirage that it was and him (as well as me but human nature I judge others more) for the fool that he was. Once we stopped the deep emotional intimacy it just got awkward enough we could keep a casual distance - its hard to have this big secret with someone and still be their close friend w/o acknowledging the big secret, so any remaining true closes and lingering feelings faded away.

It actually ended up being much easier than I expected - though we are both not overly dramatic people and [b]are both very committed to keeping this buried forever.

In that case, I sincerely hope it gets exposed and you can be subject to the pain and humiliation you deserve.

Anonymous wrote:I was in a sexless marriage. I had an affair with a beautiful woman from the gym that went for several months. She was divorced and not looking for anything serious. It was wonderful. I ended it. I have a kid and although I felt bad for cheating, I didn't at the same time. It was rough getting over the addiction of having someone want you and says things to you like you're so hot, you're great in bed, you feel good...that stuff I missed so much. Regardless I had to end it and did cold turkey. I just concentrated in working, kid, working out. I still feel empty, but not much I can do.

Did anything change at home? If not, you will cheat again

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don't make excuses for my actions but telling my spouse is not an option. Believe it or not I love my husband dearly and i am with him because I love him. He is in school and I would never tell him and risk him not succeeding. I've stayed with him because I want to support him in reaching his career goals but that has come with a lot of neglect. He has focused more on his schooling than our marriage. I am the primary financial support for our family and know that he won't complete his schooling should we get a divorce. AP was my closest work friend for a few years. I didn't go looking to make a mistake, things became emotional and he started feeling the void at home. I try to remember that the grass isn't greener and think about how terrible things would be if my husband were to get hurt.

I love how people who have affairs like to call it a "mistake." A drunken kiss is a mistake. Writing down a number wrong is a mistake. An affair is hundreds, if not thousands, of deliberate lies and deceptions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course the cheated on spouse deserves to know. They deserve to know who they are married to and make their own decision on how to proceed. They also need to know that everything isn't their fault, that when someone has an affair, they often justify it by blaming the cheated on spouse for both the affair and a whole host of other things, and the cheated on spouse should know about the affair to realize that no, not everything is their fault. It's extremely patronizing to take that decision and knowledge away from someone who has no clue who he/she is living with.

If my husband had an affair and broke it off because he wanted to commit to our marriage and fix the problems in our marriage that made him interested in an affair, I would not want to know about the affair. I would prefer to work on the problems in our marriage. You are fooling yourself if you think everyone wants to know and also if you think that many affairs are partially caused by problems in the marriage. Obviously there are people who are simply broken, but I have long since stopped being surprised when people in marriages where one or both parties does not place priority on maintaining intimacy (emotional and/or physical) find intimacy (emotional and/or physical) in other places.

You are fooling yourself if you thing affairs are cause by "problems in the marriage". That is like saying I drink too much because my spouse is a bitch. Affairs are caused by problems in the individual.

but I agree, not to tell the H... most counselors will agree... since the affair rarely has anything to do with the spouse or the marriage, it has something to do with the individual having the affair. If you get into individual counseling and are willing to fix the parts of your self that make you turn to alcohol, drugs, and affairs to sooth the shortcomings in yourself, you don't need to tell the H (aka "fix the marriage").

It's like fixing a car with a flat tire by washing/painting/vacuuming the car... there is nothing wrong with the car, get a workable tire.

Okay, but what if there IS something wrong with the car? What if the car, in addition to the flat tire, also needs general maintenance. Like I said, you are fooling yourself if you think that "problems in the marriage" are not one reason people have affairs - particularly emotional affairs. I also think that in your other example, drinking may be a way of coping with the way your spouse treats you - you are still responsible for your own behavior, but behavior doesn't just materialize out of nowhere. It is correlated to other behaviors and situations.

I am not blaming the cheated on spouse. I am simply saying that if a person says "There are X, Y and Z problems in my marriage and how I dealt with those was to have an affair, but now I would like to deal with X, Y and Z problems to fix the marriage" the problems do not disappear in the wake of the affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course the cheated on spouse deserves to know. They deserve to know who they are married to and make their own decision on how to proceed. They also need to know that everything isn't their fault, that when someone has an affair, they often justify it by blaming the cheated on spouse for both the affair and a whole host of other things, and the cheated on spouse should know about the affair to realize that no, not everything is their fault. It's extremely patronizing to take that decision and knowledge away from someone who has no clue who he/she is living with.

If my husband had an affair and broke it off because he wanted to commit to our marriage and fix the problems in our marriage that made him interested in an affair, I would not want to know about the affair. I would prefer to work on the problems in our marriage. You are fooling yourself if you think everyone wants to know and also if you think that many affairs are partially caused by problems in the marriage. Obviously there are people who are simply broken, but I have long since stopped being surprised when people in marriages where one or both parties does not place priority on maintaining intimacy (emotional and/or physical) find intimacy (emotional and/or physical) in other places.

You are fooling yourself if you thing affairs are cause by "problems in the marriage". That is like saying I drink too much because my spouse is a bitch. Affairs are caused by problems in the individual.

but I agree, not to tell the H... most counselors will agree... since the affair rarely has anything to do with the spouse or the marriage, it has something to do with the individual having the affair. If you get into individual counseling and are willing to fix the parts of your self that make you turn to alcohol, drugs, and affairs to sooth the shortcomings in yourself, you don't need to tell the H (aka "fix the marriage").

It's like fixing a car with a flat tire by washing/painting/vacuuming the car... there is nothing wrong with the car, get a workable tire.

The best thing to do is to find another job and seek individual counseling. I've had times in my marriage where I was neglected but I never sought out another man. I think you need to ask yourself why you felt an affair would solve your problem. All affairs do is complicate things.

Anonymous wrote:Of course the cheated on spouse deserves to know. They deserve to know who they are married to and make their own decision on how to proceed. They also need to know that everything isn't their fault, that when someone has an affair, they often justify it by blaming the cheated on spouse for both the affair and a whole host of other things, and the cheated on spouse should know about the affair to realize that no, not everything is their fault. It's extremely patronizing to take that decision and knowledge away from someone who has no clue who he/she is living with.

If my husband had an affair and broke it off because he wanted to commit to our marriage and fix the problems in our marriage that made him interested in an affair, I would not want to know about the affair. I would prefer to work on the problems in our marriage. You are fooling yourself if you think everyone wants to know and also if you think that many affairs are partially caused by problems in the marriage. Obviously there are people who are simply broken, but I have long since stopped being surprised when people in marriages where one or both parties does not place priority on maintaining intimacy (emotional and/or physical) find intimacy (emotional and/or physical) in other places.

Anonymous wrote:It's been over two years for me, and I'm still not over her.

How long was your affair? Who broke it off and why?

Of course the cheated on spouse deserves to know. They deserve to know who they are married to and make their own decision on how to proceed. They also need to know that everything isn't their fault, that when someone has an affair, they often justify it by blaming the cheated on spouse for both the affair and a whole host of other things, and the cheated on spouse should know about the affair to realize that no, not everything is their fault. It's extremely patronizing to take that decision and knowledge away from someone who has no clue who he/she is living with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Black and white morality people are of no use to anybody but themselves . They have no wisdom or empathy. Guaranteed to be horrible in bed. Plus , they are boring . Nobody likes them.

The things people convince themselves of never cease to amaze me.

There are some HUGE egos here

MikeL wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you're at work, focus on work. Try to minimize contact to the extent possible. Focus on rebuilding your marriage. Spend time with your family. Going to counseling on your lunch breaks is a good use of your time as well, in order to understand better what is going on with you that made this happen.

Why not do the right thing and tell your husband?

Cause that's not the right thing.

It's right just not currently convenient.

Anonymous wrote:Black and white morality people are of no use to anybody but themselves . They have no wisdom or empathy. Guaranteed to be horrible in bed. Plus , they are boring . Nobody likes them.

The things people convince themselves of never cease to amaze me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don't make excuses for my actions but telling my spouse is not an option. Believe it or not I love my husband dearly and i am with him because I love him.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Thank you for this. Going to telll my hubby tonight about this new way of expressing our love for each other.

It's been over two years for me, and I'm still not over her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation - i "broke up" with him and at first it was painful but then I started to see the situation as the mirage that it was and him (as well as me but human nature I judge others more) for the fool that he was. Once we stopped the deep emotional intimacy it just got awkward enough we could keep a casual distance - its hard to have this big secret with someone and still be their close friend w/o acknowledging the big secret, so any remaining true closes and lingering feelings faded away.

It actually ended up being much easier than I expected - though we are both not overly dramatic people and are both very committed to keeping this buried forever.

This is good advice. Do not tell your DH. Good luck.

I think he was the DH