Reply to How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]hmmm.  I agree with many of the generalities that have been expressed by previous posters but I don't get the obsession with the date of the finalized divorce, as if that's a magical moment. The truth is... it's just an arbitrary date, established by state laws (so it varies). And OP says the kids are in elementary school so they might not even know/understand the significance of the date. Most younger kids think the divorce happens when they are told about it and when their parents stop living together. They aren't obsessed with some legal deadline far off into the future. The date has some symbolic meaning for adults but it's pretty meaningless to young kids. So I say pay no attention to that date.

Pay attention to everything else. Every family is different. You have to do what's right based on the totality of the circumstances. But I will say that I have witnessed friends of mine wait too long to integrate their new partner into their child's lives under the theory that "you shouldn't introduce them until you know the relationship is real/committed." The problem with that is if you wait until you are about to pop the question to this new person, you aren't giving your kids an adequate "on ramp" and all of a sudden, a new parent is being shoved down their throat. But obviously, there are people who introduce too soon and the kids have to witness a revolving door. And honestly, if they are young and open-hearted, they do more than witness the revolving door--they become affected by it. They start to like someone--count on someone--and then they're gone. So, my best advice is for someone to try to gauge a middle ground--not too early but not so late that you're surprising them with a new family member.

And, depending on the age, I actually disagree with the PP that said don't like to the kids and introduce the person as a friend. Younger kids (8 and under) don't think about dating and if they did, all they would say is "ew." I think it's unfair of adults to force them into thinking about adult relationships. They don't need to know the details. I think at that age, it's fine to refer to a new person as a "friend" and to allow the child to get to know the person slowly (baseball games, a shopping trip, a dinner). And if it progresses and you guys actually get super serious (moving in/marriage), you can explain that sometimes friendships turn into love stories and that's a positive lesson for a child to learn. It's no more of a lie than all sorts of other things we tell young children when they aren't developmentally ready to hear the entire truth. If the kids are at ages where they are starting to understand dating relationships/crushes/etc than I think you do start to run into an issue of losing their trust if you say she's just a friend when she's not.

Just go slow. Be cognizant of the fact that they only see you X amount of time. Don't put them into a position where all of a sudden, all of their time with dad is time when dad is with someone else too. This new person should be an occasional add-on at first. And find ways in which having her around is a benefit to them and also where it's really low pressure for them (and her!). A trip to the beach where the kids are distracted by amusement park rides and other fun. She's just there in the background and part of the fun.  Game night.  Movie night.  Cool your jets with holidays or big vacations. Pay attention to your kids even more when she's there so they don't feel like they aren't the focus. Let the kids set the pace. The wonderful thing about the under tween crowd is that they share their feelings openly.  If they are feeling threatened or uncomfortable, you will know. But if there is good chemistry between them, the kids will be the one to ask to see her more and more.

Good luck. It [i]can [/i]work out. For everyone.

Signed--
the woman who was in this exact predicament and who has always had an amazing relationship with her now step-daughter [/quote]

OP here. Thanks, this makes sense to me. I was about to say the same thing, that I'm quite sure the date when the paperwork is finalized has no significance for my kids. They don't even understand the word "divorce" and wouldn't distinguish between "divorced" and "separated."

I think only one person has answered my original question, which was about how the STBX reacted to the introduction of the SO. I'm guessing that didn't go over well in most cases.[/quote]

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