Anonymous
07/14/2016 17:56
Subject: Re:How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
OP here. Thanks, this makes sense to me. I was about to say the same thing, that I'm quite sure the date when the paperwork is finalized has no significance for my kids. They don't even understand the word "divorce" and wouldn't distinguish between "divorced" and "separated."
I think only one person has answered my original question, which was about how the STBX reacted to the introduction of the SO. I'm guessing that didn't go over well in most cases.
OP, I'm the 11:12 poster. Sadly, the STBX didn't react well. She started telling her 7 year old child that I was the reason their marriage had failed. That Dad had cheated on Mom with me. It was all a ridiculous lie and DH and I strongly suspect it was the other way around (wife had a long-term "friend" whom she started officially dating and introducing to her family less than a month after my DH moved out). Since STBX was openly dating someone (open to their daughter and open to other family members) from the very beginning, once he and I got serious, he thought she would be ok with him introducing me to daughter. (Their divorce was taking a loooooong time because she was fighting him about money so we started dating before it was final but it had been almost 2 years since they had physically separated.) So, at least with her, it turns out that what's good for the geese was not good for the gander. But they fought (fight) like cats and dogs so I guess it really depends on your relationship with STBX and her personality.
To be safe, maybe you should talk to STBX about it first. It's the considerate thing to do. But if she freaks out and says no, and then you still do it, well... that's not an awesome place to be either.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 14:09
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:STBXDH did OP one better. Two months after moving out he managed to link our 17-year-old son to his (STBX's) OK Cupid account. I wish I were making this up. DS was too embarrassed to say anything to STBXDH (although DS told me OK Cupid wasn't going very well). So finally I had to say something to STBXDH. Ugh, so glad for the "S" in "STBX."
So sorry, he wins Father of the Year.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 14:06
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
I agree with PP that kids don't know the difference between separation and divorce, but most divorces with kids take a year to finalize. A year is an appropriate minimum amount of time for a child to process the break up of the family, and get used to the new reality. It's also an appropriate minimum amount of time for the ex-spouses to do the work to figure out how they contributed to the marriage failing, and take steps to change those behaviors.
Personally, I wouldn't date at all for that year because I would want to clear my own head, and focus on making the transition as smooth as possible for my kids. But if you're going to date, I would wait as long as possible, and at least a year, before you introduce your new boyfriend/girlfriend to your kids.
Personally, I wouldn't date at all for that year because I would want to clear my own head, and focus on making the transition as smooth as possible for my kids. But if you're going to date, I would wait as long as possible, and at least a year, before you introduce your new boyfriend/girlfriend to your kids.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 13:57
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
STBXDH did OP one better. Two months after moving out he managed to link our 17-year-old son to his (STBX's) OK Cupid account. I wish I were making this up. DS was too embarrassed to say anything to STBXDH (although DS told me OK Cupid wasn't going very well). So finally I had to say something to STBXDH. Ugh, so glad for the "S" in "STBX."
Anonymous
07/14/2016 13:53
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Definitely not until the divorce is final. However, if the person is someone the kids already know and regularly encounter, like the parent of a friend, it may be more damaging to try and hide it.
How old are the kids? Is this an affair situation?
Kida are in elementary school. Not an affair. Divorces can take a looooong time to finalize. That's my thinking, that it would be worse to keep it hidden for a long time and then introduce them and they find out it's been going on for a while.
Also, to clarify, I was asking only about introducing them and maybe casually spending some time together occasionally, not about bringing the new SO into the home as a permanent fixture yet.
You are their mom for goodness sakes.
Act like it and put them first.
If your boyfriend is worth a minute of your time he will wait until the time is right for THEM after the divorce is finalized at the very least.
Quit being selfish
Anonymous
07/14/2016 13:28
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Nobody can tell you how your ex will react. It depends on the person and the context. But if you haven't been dating long, or haven't been separated long, then this is a bad idea and it will probably go badly with the ex and kids both.
Long means different things to your kids than it does to you. It takes years to process a divorce. It's a major life upheaval. A new partner compounds the initial trauma and complicates their coping. Your children need you, not some other person. And they really don't nend to share their already-reduced parent time with anyone else. Make the introduction when it is the right thing for the kids. Not just because you want to. It's not about you. I would not do this until at least a year of dating AND a year after separating your household. Ideally two years. And definitely not until you are in a permanent housing situation with a well established custody routine and the kids are coping well. there are no shortcuts here. If you screw this up or put yourself over the kids, you will pay the price in the long run
Long means different things to your kids than it does to you. It takes years to process a divorce. It's a major life upheaval. A new partner compounds the initial trauma and complicates their coping. Your children need you, not some other person. And they really don't nend to share their already-reduced parent time with anyone else. Make the introduction when it is the right thing for the kids. Not just because you want to. It's not about you. I would not do this until at least a year of dating AND a year after separating your household. Ideally two years. And definitely not until you are in a permanent housing situation with a well established custody routine and the kids are coping well. there are no shortcuts here. If you screw this up or put yourself over the kids, you will pay the price in the long run
Anonymous
07/14/2016 13:18
Subject: Re:How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:hmmm. I agree with many of the generalities that have been expressed by previous posters but I don't get the obsession with the date of the finalized divorce, as if that's a magical moment. The truth is... it's just an arbitrary date, established by state laws (so it varies). And OP says the kids are in elementary school so they might not even know/understand the significance of the date. Most younger kids think the divorce happens when they are told about it and when their parents stop living together. They aren't obsessed with some legal deadline far off into the future. The date has some symbolic meaning for adults but it's pretty meaningless to young kids. So I say pay no attention to that date.
Pay attention to everything else. Every family is different. You have to do what's right based on the totality of the circumstances. But I will say that I have witnessed friends of mine wait too long to integrate their new partner into their child's lives under the theory that "you shouldn't introduce them until you know the relationship is real/committed." The problem with that is if you wait until you are about to pop the question to this new person, you aren't giving your kids an adequate "on ramp" and all of a sudden, a new parent is being shoved down their throat. But obviously, there are people who introduce too soon and the kids have to witness a revolving door. And honestly, if they are young and open-hearted, they do more than witness the revolving door--they become affected by it. They start to like someone--count on someone--and then they're gone. So, my best advice is for someone to try to gauge a middle ground--not too early but not so late that you're surprising them with a new family member.
And, depending on the age, I actually disagree with the PP that said don't like to the kids and introduce the person as a friend. Younger kids (8 and under) don't think about dating and if they did, all they would say is "ew." I think it's unfair of adults to force them into thinking about adult relationships. They don't need to know the details. I think at that age, it's fine to refer to a new person as a "friend" and to allow the child to get to know the person slowly (baseball games, a shopping trip, a dinner). And if it progresses and you guys actually get super serious (moving in/marriage), you can explain that sometimes friendships turn into love stories and that's a positive lesson for a child to learn. It's no more of a lie than all sorts of other things we tell young children when they aren't developmentally ready to hear the entire truth. If the kids are at ages where they are starting to understand dating relationships/crushes/etc than I think you do start to run into an issue of losing their trust if you say she's just a friend when she's not.
Just go slow. Be cognizant of the fact that they only see you X amount of time. Don't put them into a position where all of a sudden, all of their time with dad is time when dad is with someone else too. This new person should be an occasional add-on at first. And find ways in which having her around is a benefit to them and also where it's really low pressure for them (and her!). A trip to the beach where the kids are distracted by amusement park rides and other fun. She's just there in the background and part of the fun. Game night. Movie night. Cool your jets with holidays or big vacations. Pay attention to your kids even more when she's there so they don't feel like they aren't the focus. Let the kids set the pace. The wonderful thing about the under tween crowd is that they share their feelings openly. If they are feeling threatened or uncomfortable, you will know. But if there is good chemistry between them, the kids will be the one to ask to see her more and more.
Good luck. It can work out. For everyone.
Signed--
the woman who was in this exact predicament and who has always had an amazing relationship with her now step-daughter
OP here. Thanks, this makes sense to me. I was about to say the same thing, that I'm quite sure the date when the paperwork is finalized has no significance for my kids. They don't even understand the word "divorce" and wouldn't distinguish between "divorced" and "separated."
I think only one person has answered my original question, which was about how the STBX reacted to the introduction of the SO. I'm guessing that didn't go over well in most cases.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 12:55
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My (now) husband's ex wasn't thrilled that her kids were going to meet me and insisted on meeting me first. I told my husband that of course she was right and so she and I met at a restaurant without him and talked for a half hour or so. It was kind of awkward, but was the right thing to do and smoothed the way for when we ran into each other at events. I should not that she did not extend my husband the same courtesy when she began dating though.
"Began dating"... did you want to go on match.com and meet every person she dated?
Where did she say that? I think it is a great idea to meet the X before you met the children. If you are at the stage of meeting the childre, then it is fairly serious. Children should not meet every person a parent dates.
I agree you should meet the new SO. But the PP said "she met the xwife" ... then later, when the xwife began dating "she did not extend the same courtesy".
I don't think it is appropriate ... "when you begin dating" it is appropriate if there is a commitment.
Obviously pp was saying the XW introduced the kids to dating partners before their dad had a chance to meet them. That hardly means she and her husband wanted to meet every date. FFS.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 11:19
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My (now) husband's ex wasn't thrilled that her kids were going to meet me and insisted on meeting me first. I told my husband that of course she was right and so she and I met at a restaurant without him and talked for a half hour or so. It was kind of awkward, but was the right thing to do and smoothed the way for when we ran into each other at events. I should not that she did not extend my husband the same courtesy when she began dating though.
"Began dating"... did you want to go on match.com and meet every person she dated?
Where did she say that? I think it is a great idea to meet the X before you met the children. If you are at the stage of meeting the childre, then it is fairly serious. Children should not meet every person a parent dates.
I agree you should meet the new SO. But the PP said "she met the xwife" ... then later, when the xwife began dating "she did not extend the same courtesy".
I don't think it is appropriate ... "when you begin dating" it is appropriate if there is a commitment.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 11:12
Subject: Re:How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
hmmm. I agree with many of the generalities that have been expressed by previous posters but I don't get the obsession with the date of the finalized divorce, as if that's a magical moment. The truth is... it's just an arbitrary date, established by state laws (so it varies). And OP says the kids are in elementary school so they might not even know/understand the significance of the date. Most younger kids think the divorce happens when they are told about it and when their parents stop living together. They aren't obsessed with some legal deadline far off into the future. The date has some symbolic meaning for adults but it's pretty meaningless to young kids. So I say pay no attention to that date.
Pay attention to everything else. Every family is different. You have to do what's right based on the totality of the circumstances. But I will say that I have witnessed friends of mine wait too long to integrate their new partner into their child's lives under the theory that "you shouldn't introduce them until you know the relationship is real/committed." The problem with that is if you wait until you are about to pop the question to this new person, you aren't giving your kids an adequate "on ramp" and all of a sudden, a new parent is being shoved down their throat. But obviously, there are people who introduce too soon and the kids have to witness a revolving door. And honestly, if they are young and open-hearted, they do more than witness the revolving door--they become affected by it. They start to like someone--count on someone--and then they're gone. So, my best advice is for someone to try to gauge a middle ground--not too early but not so late that you're surprising them with a new family member.
And, depending on the age, I actually disagree with the PP that said don't like to the kids and introduce the person as a friend. Younger kids (8 and under) don't think about dating and if they did, all they would say is "ew." I think it's unfair of adults to force them into thinking about adult relationships. They don't need to know the details. I think at that age, it's fine to refer to a new person as a "friend" and to allow the child to get to know the person slowly (baseball games, a shopping trip, a dinner). And if it progresses and you guys actually get super serious (moving in/marriage), you can explain that sometimes friendships turn into love stories and that's a positive lesson for a child to learn. It's no more of a lie than all sorts of other things we tell young children when they aren't developmentally ready to hear the entire truth. If the kids are at ages where they are starting to understand dating relationships/crushes/etc than I think you do start to run into an issue of losing their trust if you say she's just a friend when she's not.
Just go slow. Be cognizant of the fact that they only see you X amount of time. Don't put them into a position where all of a sudden, all of their time with dad is time when dad is with someone else too. This new person should be an occasional add-on at first. And find ways in which having her around is a benefit to them and also where it's really low pressure for them (and her!). A trip to the beach where the kids are distracted by amusement park rides and other fun. She's just there in the background and part of the fun. Game night. Movie night. Cool your jets with holidays or big vacations. Pay attention to your kids even more when she's there so they don't feel like they aren't the focus. Let the kids set the pace. The wonderful thing about the under tween crowd is that they share their feelings openly. If they are feeling threatened or uncomfortable, you will know. But if there is good chemistry between them, the kids will be the one to ask to see her more and more.
Good luck. It can work out. For everyone.
Signed--
the woman who was in this exact predicament and who has always had an amazing relationship with her now step-daughter
Pay attention to everything else. Every family is different. You have to do what's right based on the totality of the circumstances. But I will say that I have witnessed friends of mine wait too long to integrate their new partner into their child's lives under the theory that "you shouldn't introduce them until you know the relationship is real/committed." The problem with that is if you wait until you are about to pop the question to this new person, you aren't giving your kids an adequate "on ramp" and all of a sudden, a new parent is being shoved down their throat. But obviously, there are people who introduce too soon and the kids have to witness a revolving door. And honestly, if they are young and open-hearted, they do more than witness the revolving door--they become affected by it. They start to like someone--count on someone--and then they're gone. So, my best advice is for someone to try to gauge a middle ground--not too early but not so late that you're surprising them with a new family member.
And, depending on the age, I actually disagree with the PP that said don't like to the kids and introduce the person as a friend. Younger kids (8 and under) don't think about dating and if they did, all they would say is "ew." I think it's unfair of adults to force them into thinking about adult relationships. They don't need to know the details. I think at that age, it's fine to refer to a new person as a "friend" and to allow the child to get to know the person slowly (baseball games, a shopping trip, a dinner). And if it progresses and you guys actually get super serious (moving in/marriage), you can explain that sometimes friendships turn into love stories and that's a positive lesson for a child to learn. It's no more of a lie than all sorts of other things we tell young children when they aren't developmentally ready to hear the entire truth. If the kids are at ages where they are starting to understand dating relationships/crushes/etc than I think you do start to run into an issue of losing their trust if you say she's just a friend when she's not.
Just go slow. Be cognizant of the fact that they only see you X amount of time. Don't put them into a position where all of a sudden, all of their time with dad is time when dad is with someone else too. This new person should be an occasional add-on at first. And find ways in which having her around is a benefit to them and also where it's really low pressure for them (and her!). A trip to the beach where the kids are distracted by amusement park rides and other fun. She's just there in the background and part of the fun. Game night. Movie night. Cool your jets with holidays or big vacations. Pay attention to your kids even more when she's there so they don't feel like they aren't the focus. Let the kids set the pace. The wonderful thing about the under tween crowd is that they share their feelings openly. If they are feeling threatened or uncomfortable, you will know. But if there is good chemistry between them, the kids will be the one to ask to see her more and more.
Good luck. It can work out. For everyone.
Signed--
the woman who was in this exact predicament and who has always had an amazing relationship with her now step-daughter
Anonymous
07/14/2016 09:22
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My (now) husband's ex wasn't thrilled that her kids were going to meet me and insisted on meeting me first. I told my husband that of course she was right and so she and I met at a restaurant without him and talked for a half hour or so. It was kind of awkward, but was the right thing to do and smoothed the way for when we ran into each other at events. I should not that she did not extend my husband the same courtesy when she began dating though.
"Began dating"... did you want to go on match.com and meet every person she dated?
Where did she say that? I think it is a great idea to meet the X before you met the children. If you are at the stage of meeting the childre, then it is fairly serious. Children should not meet every person a parent dates.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 09:15
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Definitely not until the divorce is final. However, if the person is someone the kids already know and regularly encounter, like the parent of a friend, it may be more damaging to try and hide it.
How old are the kids? Is this an affair situation?
Kida are in elementary school. Not an affair. Divorces can take a looooong time to finalize. That's my thinking, that it would be worse to keep it hidden for a long time and then introduce them and they find out it's been going on for a while.
Also, to clarify, I was asking only about introducing them and maybe casually spending some time together occasionally, not about bringing the new SO into the home as a permanent fixture yet.
If you are not divorced yet, your children will see it as an affair.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 07:31
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
Anonymous wrote:My (now) husband's ex wasn't thrilled that her kids were going to meet me and insisted on meeting me first. I told my husband that of course she was right and so she and I met at a restaurant without him and talked for a half hour or so. It was kind of awkward, but was the right thing to do and smoothed the way for when we ran into each other at events. I should not that she did not extend my husband the same courtesy when she began dating though.
"Began dating"... did you want to go on match.com and meet every person she dated?
Anonymous
07/14/2016 07:27
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
My (now) husband's ex wasn't thrilled that her kids were going to meet me and insisted on meeting me first. I told my husband that of course she was right and so she and I met at a restaurant without him and talked for a half hour or so. It was kind of awkward, but was the right thing to do and smoothed the way for when we ran into each other at events. I should not that she did not extend my husband the same courtesy when she began dating though.
Anonymous
07/14/2016 07:09
Subject: How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?
I'd say it's bad to do it for at least a year. Doesn't stop people though. One of my friends was separated and she was constantly accusing him of infidelity. He was a straight by the book guy, always followed the rules and had integrity. Well they were separated for five-six months and she drops of the kid at his house with her new boyfriend in tow...one of his old business partners and friends! He thought there was something going on but that confirmed it. He was actually glad about it as it took the focus off him and she could direct her angst at her new guy. He was only mad that she exposed their kid to it.