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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]new poster here. I understand, in a layman's sense, what validation is and that it is important to validate people's feelings. This applies to co-workers, bosses, customers, spouses as well. But I'm also a little in the dark as to how this technique fits in with other aspects of parenting, like teaching your tween values and behavioral expectations? Validating feelings is fine, but doesn't this co-exist with addressing their actions? [/quote]

Timing is important when trying to teach your tween values and expectations.  The point of validation is that it is being used at a moment when you tween is emotionally charged and reaching out to you.  When you use that moment in time to teach then you are shifting the focus from what they want to say to you, to you needing them to hear something from you.

Teaching them expectations and values is critically important, just do it when they can hear you rather than when they are processing something that is difficult for them.  That will cut down on the conflict.[/quote]

Yep, this. The time for a discussion about managing homework better is not during the homework-forgetting crisis. During the crisis--listen, validate, commiserate as appropriate.

Later, when things are calm, you can say, "I've been thinking a lot about your problem with your teacher. Do you think it would help if we thought up some ways to help you remember your homework?"

It's also important with school work to remember: You can't force your children to remember to turn in their homework, or to pay attention in school, or to try their best. They have to do these things on their own. I think it's best to remember that natural consequences are the best teachers. So, when your kid gets a bad grade because homework wasn't handed in, that's not something for the parent to ring her hands over. Instead, we should be happy that there is a natural consequence to help instill this lesson. And you can empathize with your child about the painful consequence, and then help them figure out how *he/she* can avoid the consequence in the future. *You* cannot avoid the consequence for them.

Honestly, things like flushing the toilet? I find stuff like this is best addressed with as little discussion as possible. Call child to the bathroom. Point to the offending toilet. Say, "Flush." Walk away.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is a fantastic book.[/quote]

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