Reply to Teen DD came out recently, advice for conservative family

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm not sure that I agree with the sentiment of some of these posts that you shouldn't "do this" to her. It sounds like she is literally looking forward to going, and to be honest, it also sounds like you and the extended family are being very supportive all things considered. When I came out (in college, almost 15 years ago), there were a couple things that helped me to understand and be patient with other peoples' reaction.

First, I had time (in my case, years -- in your daughter's case, probably not as long, but still some time) to realize I was gay, deny I was gay, be mad/upset I was gay, accept I was gay [then come out] and eventually be proud of who I am. But that was a process that took some time, and the fact is that my initial reaction to my own sexuality was not "sweet! I'm totally different and it's so cool to be ME!" That came much later. So when I came out to other people, it helped to remember that this was literally the first time some of them were hearing/realizing this. Yes, many close friends and family members were unsurprised - they also were also most likely to immediately be fully supportive. Others were caught off-gaurd, and I was very lucky that they did their best to be supportive even if they didn't quite believe me yet, or if it didn't jive with their religious beliefs, or whatever it was -- because they cared about me. And in time, the people who loved me most (and I'm sure your family will be in this boat), eventually rolled through that process of accepting and later being proud of who I am.  So if initial reactions are kind of "eh," emphasize that this is something that they haven't really given much thought until now, and that they clearly love her very much and are almost certainly fighting through their own world view right now. In all likelihood, they will grow more understanding and supportive in time -- but they love her already.

Second, you might mention that coming out is a lifelong process in some respects, and as a result, she will have a lot of control over when and how she wants to come out to people. I'll often find some way to mention my wife during interviews (to screen a potential boss for any weirdness), but will find myself inventing a husband when I have a deliver man in my home. Lying? Maybe, but the fact is you dnton't always know how people will react -- and sometimes you do know how people will react -- and it's okay to take some control over that situation. Come out when you feel strong, lay low if you're not feeling up to having the "conversation" or answering questions or risking a homophobic or dangerous reaction. Point being, she is probably very relieved to be "out," but she doesn't have to make herself vulnerable before anyone (relatives included) unless she feels ready.

Hope something in here helps. Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Good luck and congrats to your daughter.[/quote]

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