Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is only 13! It might be nothing more but an attention seeking mechanism or a hormonal urge to make a statement. The best this to do for all adults involved is to say: "Sure, honey!" Then smile, roll your eyes and carry on.

That's actually the worst thing to do.

I definitely knew I was attracted to boys by 13. Maybe you are bi if you were uncertain at that stage?

Agree. The dismissive/condescending "you just want attention" nonsense is ridiculous.

Thanks again to everyone responding. To clarify, I don't expect they'll try to change her, tell her they're disappointed, or that she's going to hell. I think if they said anything, it would be things they think are supportive but in reality aren't. Statements like hate the sin, love the sinner, or suggesting she's too young to know or things could change, or asking her to hide it around friends and family. She knows they generally disapprove but don't hate homosexuals.

She's been face timing my parents a lot, even since her revelation. They're still getting along swimmingly. She regularly texts FIL as well. She never had a big phone relationship with DHs mom or step mom, but there's no animosity. BIL is extremely supportive. They all give the kids the option of attending church or staying home.

Her therapist suggested we tell them asap so they had time to adjust before the visit. She wanted them to know because it's part of who she is and keeping it a secret was making her more anxious. Someone asked why they needed to know at all.

Honestly, I think canceling for fear of them making an occasional negative comment offhandedly while she's there would send the message to her that they're less accepting than they really are. It would also start WWIII within our family. I just want to protect her feelings and this is new to us. I'm so grateful for everyone sharing their experiences and sorry to hear from those whose families were less than accepting.

Couldn't you have a discussion with DD about her grandparents? Prep her for any potential comments/attitudes and let her know how hard you and DH are pressing them to change but that it doesn't happen overnight, etc.
Part of the pressure of coming out is worry that people won't accept you so she knows its a possibility.. I highly doubt it would shatter any impression she has of her grandparents. Then she'll have a little armor to carry with her through the 6 weeks that will protect her self-image and her relationships with her grandparents. It will also be another opportunity for her to realize that her parents have her back and are willing to do what's necessary to help her through this stage.

OP- My parents sent me as a newly out 13-year-old to spend a week with my rural prejudiced grandparents, and it was a DISASTER. Is your DD ready to be constantly criticized? So far you've shielded her from their disapproval---would she still be excited for this trip if she knows how they really feel? Even if they don't openly say "we hate that you're gay" she's going to figure it out from the way they treat her. Better timer her know now while you can help her deal with it and her therapist can help her deal, then when she's alone with them and thrown to the wolves. My grandparents told me they were embarrassed to be seen in public with me---is your DD in a place where she's ready to handle that? Is her sister older and willing to step in if your DD is feeling attacked/uncomfortable, or is she younger and more likely to absorb her grandparents' hateful views. Will your DD be expected to attend church services with an anti-gay message? That would be a deal breaker for me. Is there any chance they'd invite gay 'conversion' people into their homes or make your DD attend abusive 'gay conversion therapy'? Those are also non-starters for me.

When this visit happened for me, I called my dad and he drove all night after work to come get me. He stayed for two days at my grandparents' with me and deflected all the criticism and took me out to do fun activities in the area, which helped salvage my relationship with my grandparents (I'm in my 20s now and while I will always hate what happened to me that trip, our relationship is much better now). You and your DH need to be willing to drive down immediately if your DD needs you. Please be aware of how 'micro aggressions' like comments on a news story that don't necessarily mention your DD can affect her mental health. She's already in treatment for anxiety---please discuss this situation with her therapist, who may be able to gauge her resilience more than you in this situation.

Anonymous wrote:She is only 13! It might be nothing more but an attention seeking mechanism or a hormonal urge to make a statement. The best this to do for all adults involved is to say: "Sure, honey!" Then smile, roll your eyes and carry on.

That's actually the worst thing to do.

I definitely knew I was attracted to boys by 13. Maybe you are bi if you were uncertain at that stage?

She is only 13! It might be nothing more but an attention seeking mechanism or a hormonal urge to make a statement. The best this to do for all adults involved is to say: "Sure, honey!" Then smile, roll your eyes and carry on.

My almost 13 YO is dating a girl; not sure if she's gay, bi, etc. etc. My advice is cancel the visit. Seems to me she's at a fragile point. Why risk it?

I'd keep talking to them for the next month and see if there seems to be any softening in their attitudes. I would also be transparent with them about your fears. I would also talk openly with you DD that you know she's really looking forward to the trip, and you want her to have a close relationship with these relatives, but how does she think she's going to feel if they make negative comments. If she ends up going, I would definitely tell her that she can come back at any point, no questions asked.

If they were going to make passing comments to news stories and the like, they would have done so last summer, right? She probably knew she was gay then and it didn't bother her. Perhaps you could ask your family to hold their tongue if they have any questions about her, specifically, until you get there, or are all there together. I also think she should have the means to come back (or you go get her) in the event things go south.

I'm not sure that I agree with the sentiment of some of these posts that you shouldn't "do this" to her. It sounds like she is literally looking forward to going, and to be honest, it also sounds like you and the extended family are being very supportive all things considered. When I came out (in college, almost 15 years ago), there were a couple things that helped me to understand and be patient with other peoples' reaction.

First, I had time (in my case, years -- in your daughter's case, probably not as long, but still some time) to realize I was gay, deny I was gay, be mad/upset I was gay, accept I was gay [then come out] and eventually be proud of who I am. But that was a process that took some time, and the fact is that my initial reaction to my own sexuality was not "sweet! I'm totally different and it's so cool to be ME!" That came much later. So when I came out to other people, it helped to remember that this was literally the first time some of them were hearing/realizing this. Yes, many close friends and family members were unsurprised - they also were also most likely to immediately be fully supportive. Others were caught off-gaurd, and I was very lucky that they did their best to be supportive even if they didn't quite believe me yet, or if it didn't jive with their religious beliefs, or whatever it was -- because they cared about me. And in time, the people who loved me most (and I'm sure your family will be in this boat), eventually rolled through that process of accepting and later being proud of who I am. So if initial reactions are kind of "eh," emphasize that this is something that they haven't really given much thought until now, and that they clearly love her very much and are almost certainly fighting through their own world view right now. In all likelihood, they will grow more understanding and supportive in time -- but they love her already.

Second, you might mention that coming out is a lifelong process in some respects, and as a result, she will have a lot of control over when and how she wants to come out to people. I'll often find some way to mention my wife during interviews (to screen a potential boss for any weirdness), but will find myself inventing a husband when I have a deliver man in my home. Lying? Maybe, but the fact is you dnton't always know how people will react -- and sometimes you do know how people will react -- and it's okay to take some control over that situation. Come out when you feel strong, lay low if you're not feeling up to having the "conversation" or answering questions or risking a homophobic or dangerous reaction. Point being, she is probably very relieved to be "out," but she doesn't have to make herself vulnerable before anyone (relatives included) unless she feels ready.

Hope something in here helps. Sounds like you're doing all the right things. Good luck and congrats to your daughter.

OP, have you reached out to your local PFLAG chapter? They might have some really good resources, or at least some advice.

Anonymous wrote:Why must you stereotype by saying "southern"
I don't think you really know the south.

Oh please. Because to know the South is to know the bastion of progressiveness that pervades in regional traditions, beliefs and attitudes.

Anonymous wrote:Why does she have to come out to them? She's 13. It's not like they are going to ask her about sex, right?

They already know and they're sad about it.

As a parent of a gay kid who came out at 14, I say you really should consider changing the plans for summer for both daughters. You can coach grandparents to say things, but if they don't really believe it (how could she possibly know at 13? I think it is just a phase and on and on), their disapproval will come out in one way or another. Unless she has an adult who is totally supportive and will be there all the time to answer to grandparents, you are setting your daughter up for a potentially awful summer. This may be how you've done things in the past and it has worked well, but things have changed. please don't do this to her.

Summering. Darn spellcheck