Reply to Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hey OP - Man here, was in a very similar situation.  My wife was also very low libido, never wanted to have sex, but also got suspicious if I stopped trying to initiate.  So I get it, completely, and I also get the fact that you would rather not attempt sex if that advance will be rejected or met with the starfish routine.

What helped was for me to focus on me and not on her.  I made extra efforts to go to the gym.  It helped burn off the stress and sexual frustration, but it also helped me feel better about myself to heal the sting of rejection.  I also tried to keep somewhat busy in the evenings after the kids went to bed - either joining a sports league, or going to client events, etc.  Nothing worse than sitting on the couch next to your wife when you could be having sex but she doesn't want to.

We also had a few of the conversations.  Yes, the ones where I stated I was unhappy, and she stated she felt like a failure of a wife.  I don't know that those conversations helped our sex life, but they helped air out our feelings and also set expectations.  The one big difference between my wife and yours - my wife would offer to let me have sex with her, "but don't expect me to be into it."  I eventually accepted this was her way of trying to meet me in the middle, and sometimes accepting her offer of a one-sided quickie helped both of us feel connected.

Also, and here I will join you in the fire - I had a couple of short term affairs.  One almost blew up.  If you succumb to the temptation, make sure you don't affair with someone who is likely to blow up your world.  Because.....

It can and usually does get better.  For us, it got better when the youngest hit school full time.  Still not great but way way better, we have sex now on a normal frequency, she is into it, and she is her old, flirtatious, playful self again.  Our marriage is going great.

TL;DR - hang in there, and do what you need to do to stay sane and be a good dad and husband.  This too shall pass.  [/quote]
I'm glad your relationship with your wife is better, but you'd better hope to god she never finds out about your affairs.  Or does she already know and has forgiven you?  I understand people get frustrated in their marriages, but having an affair seems like the opposite of trying to fix it.[/quote]

At a certain point, one partner can no longer fix it alone. If the other partner can't or won't, I suppose an affair to reduce tension and keep the family happy isn't the worst thing. You can't fix it alone.

I'm a wife and if I were telling my husband sex was off the table only excepting dire circumstances where I gave him a pity quickie, I think I would be reasonable enough to tell myself not to be surprised if he did end up having a no strings attached affair because of it. I'm not deluded. Go into it eyes wide open if that's how you really want to play marriage. But don't pretend to be blindsided when cutting off a spouse physically and emotionally doesn't  work out well for you.

This guys wife is probably happy in her marriage now and none the wiser about what her husband did to get them there. Not too sorry for her. [/quote]
I don't think expecting your spouse to be faithful even when things get tough is unreasonable.  Does the vow say "forsaking all others except when you won't put out"?  I'm not saying it's ok that the other spouse isn't trying to fix. I'm just saying that just because you are having issues, it doesn't give the other spouse the right to cheat.[/quote]

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