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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, my DH had a difficult childhood in some ways.  I'd probably call it emotionally abusive but mainly because his mother, his primary caregiver, was (and is) mentally ill and untreated.  (She "tried" seeing a shrink sometime in the 70s and didn't like him; my armchair diagnosis is bipolar disorder but who knows.  Whatever it is, it's pretty crazy.  Not delusional but not really functional, either.)  [b]His parents are basically decent people who love him a lot, but they are warped by their own truly terribly abusive families and her mental illness, which they decided to just pray about.[/b]  DH left behind any financial ties when he went off to college with a full scholarship and rarely visits; they live on the west coast.  Since we've had kids, I send them lots of photos, they call (me) occasionally, and they reliably come see us 1x/yr.  DH doesn't really talk to them outside of that visit. and the visit is kind of awful;  MIL cries a lot; DH is angry and stressed and depressed; FIL tries but then withdraws and doesn't say much.  DH is angrier at his dad than her; she's crazy, but his dad has no such excuse and let him be raised by a crazy person who refused to get help.  Anyway, I've always figured that we would end up taking care of them, and I'm okay with that, but it hasn't been necessary.

I've always wished there was a way for DH to forgive, I guess, but that's easier to say from the outside, I realize.  Or sometimes I think it would be easier and more healthy for DH to cut them out entirely than to continue these yearly cry-fests.  [b]But I dunno, I can't see cutting out his parents.  They love him and the grandkids a great deal and, well, they're family. [/b] I just wish there was a way to make peace with the past AND have them in our lives.[/quote]

Thank you for this example of compassion and understanding for imperfect parents.  My parents were similar - neglectful, emotionally abusive, unstable - but they honestly loved me.  And I understand that their capacity to parent was greatly limited by their life circumstances.  (My mother, for instance, had an evil, cruel mother.  She was raped as a teenager and forced to surrender the resulting child for adoption.  She suffered terrible emotional trauma before she ever married my dad.)  I spent a lot of time in my 20's and 30's being mad at them.  Humility and life experience taught me to appreciate how much they suffered themselves, and how much they tried, and how much they did love me despite their addictions and mental illnesses.

I kept some distance from them as an adult for my own health, but I never abandoned them.  I supported them financially (not substantially, as they at least had social security) and did a lot of work to make sure they were set up comfortably with senior services and eventually a nursing home for my mom.  And in my own imperfect way, I loved them, too.  I'm grateful for all they did for me, even though it was far from perfect.[/quote]

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