Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you mean by difficult childhood, i had parents that were emotionally absent. I don't actually remember my father giving me even a hug. They are damaged, clueless people but i still feel some compassion for them. Financially, i have not seen a dime from them since high school, not a dime for college or a loan for grad school. They never considered stretching or jeopardizing their financial health for my sake. The time has not come, but i know when it does my brother and SIL will not step to the plate, and i am contemplating what would i be willling to do? I have made peace with their bad parenting, but their stinginess no, can't get over it. So i have no answer for you OP, but there are many of debating what do we really owe our parents? Even bad parents have cared for us in some capacity.

This dynamic is puzzling to me. When people expect the world from their parents (in the material sense), no one on DCUM bats an eye. It is the norm. When it comes to supporting elderly parents in return, it is suddenly selfish of the parents to even hope for attention from their children.

Me, too. Since when is it an expectation of parents that they "stretch or jeopardize their financial health" for the sake of adult children? Their job is to raise you to be a functioning, independent adult. Their job is not to jeopardize their own financial security in order to pay for grad school.

For the record, my parents didn't pay for my college or grad school, either,
I understand that some parents choose to lavishly give money to their adult children, and even support adult children in perpetutity, but I am flabbergasted that some DCUM folks think that if they don't, this makes them bad parents. Their financial except $4,000 in 10 monthy installments my freshman year, which was a huge sacrifice for them. Other years they didn't feel able to do it, and I made do by working more and taking out more loans. I would never in my life consider asking them for money for grad school - I was an adult.
obligation ceases when you become an ADULT.

I am the OR of that post. I was awarded a full scholarship for grad school but no funds for living expenses. I took out high interest credit cards to supplement. It was stressful at the time. I asked my parents if they would be willing to give me an interest free loan. They had several hundred thousand dollars in bank but declined my request. I won't go into the details of what their rationale was, I will just say that money was not earmarked for anything and stayed in bank collecting interest. I made a note of their stinginess (at least in my eyes) and moved on. Plenty of similar situations with them and I still maintain a good relationship. They don't owe me anything as an adult, but the question is what do I owe them as adults?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you mean by difficult childhood, i had parents that were emotionally absent. I don't actually remember my father giving me even a hug. They are damaged, clueless people but i still feel some compassion for them. Financially, i have not seen a dime from them since high school, not a dime for college or a loan for grad school. They never considered stretching or jeopardizing their financial health for my sake. The time has not come, but i know when it does my brother and SIL will not step to the plate, and i am contemplating what would i be willling to do? I have made peace with their bad parenting, but their stinginess no, can't get over it. So i have no answer for you OP, but there are many of debating what do we really owe our parents? Even bad parents have cared for us in some capacity.

This dynamic is puzzling to me. When people expect the world from their parents (in the material sense), no one on DCUM bats an eye. It is the norm. When it comes to supporting elderly parents in return, it is suddenly selfish of the parents to even hope for attention from their children.

Me, too. Since when is it an expectation of parents that they "stretch or jeopardize their financial health" for the sake of adult children? Their job is to raise you to be a functioning, independent adult. Their job is not to jeopardize their own financial security in order to pay for grad school.

For the record, my parents didn't pay for my college or grad school, either, except $4,000 in 10 monthy installments my freshman year, which was a huge sacrifice for them. Other years they didn't feel able to do it, and I made do by working more and taking out more loans. I would never in my life consider asking them for money for grad school - I was an adult.

I understand that some parents choose to lavishly give money to their adult children, and even support adult children in perpetutity, but I am flabbergasted that some DCUM folks think that if they don't, this makes them bad parents. Their financial obligation ceases when you become an ADULT.

Anonymous wrote:So, my DH had a difficult childhood in some ways. I'd probably call it emotionally abusive but mainly because his mother, his primary caregiver, was (and is) mentally ill and untreated. (She "tried" seeing a shrink sometime in the 70s and didn't like him; my armchair diagnosis is bipolar disorder but who knows. Whatever it is, it's pretty crazy. Not delusional but not really functional, either.) His parents are basically decent people who love him a lot, but they are warped by their own truly terribly abusive families and her mental illness, which they decided to just pray about. DH left behind any financial ties when he went off to college with a full scholarship and rarely visits; they live on the west coast. Since we've had kids, I send them lots of photos, they call (me) occasionally, and they reliably come see us 1x/yr. DH doesn't really talk to them outside of that visit. and the visit is kind of awful; MIL cries a lot; DH is angry and stressed and depressed; FIL tries but then withdraws and doesn't say much. DH is angrier at his dad than her; she's crazy, but his dad has no such excuse and let him be raised by a crazy person who refused to get help. Anyway, I've always figured that we would end up taking care of them, and I'm okay with that, but it hasn't been necessary.

I've always wished there was a way for DH to forgive, I guess, but that's easier to say from the outside, I realize. Or sometimes I think it would be easier and more healthy for DH to cut them out entirely than to continue these yearly cry-fests. But I dunno, I can't see cutting out his parents. They love him and the grandkids a great deal and, well, they're family. I just wish there was a way to make peace with the past AND have them in our lives.

Thank you for this example of compassion and understanding for imperfect parents. My parents were similar - neglectful, emotionally abusive, unstable - but they honestly loved me. And I understand that their capacity to parent was greatly limited by their life circumstances. (My mother, for instance, had an evil, cruel mother. She was raped as a teenager and forced to surrender the resulting child for adoption. She suffered terrible emotional trauma before she ever married my dad.) I spent a lot of time in my 20's and 30's being mad at them. Humility and life experience taught me to appreciate how much they suffered themselves, and how much they tried, and how much they did love me despite their addictions and mental illnesses.

I kept some distance from them as an adult for my own health, but I never abandoned them. I supported them financially (not substantially, as they at least had social security) and did a lot of work to make sure they were set up comfortably with senior services and eventually a nursing home for my mom. And in my own imperfect way, I loved them, too. I'm grateful for all they did for me, even though it was far from perfect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a difficult childhood. He has has a strained relationship with his mom. We ended up caring for her in our home for a year and moved her to a nursing home. I manage everything and we do buy her what she needs as she has no money. She has always been nice to me. I do it as that is the example I want my child to have and do the same for me.

There is so much wrong with this statement. You are raising your children to feel obligated to take care of you when they should be focused on their families when they are grown. This is a selfish, not selfless, reason.

Teaching your children that caring for your family members in their old age is hardly selfish. That is what we as humans should do for each other. It is the circle of life. We honor the elderly by caring for them when they are unable to care for themselves.

It is scary how many parents are teaching their children to just abandon people when they get old.

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a difficult childhood. He has has a strained relationship with his mom. We ended up caring for her in our home for a year and moved her to a nursing home. I manage everything and we do buy her what she needs as she has no money. She has always been nice to me. I do it as that is the example I want my child to have and do the same for me.

+10000

Thank you so much for this. I, too, had a difficult childhood. My parents were both alcoholics and we didn't have much more than a pot to piss in (and that, a dirty one, since my mom was a hoarder). But they loved me. And we are family. I would not abandon them. For my own health and emotional stability, I had to learn to draw really clear boundaries, and I had to move away from them for a few hundred miles just so I wouldn't be sucked into their emotional black hole all the time, but I still loved them in actions - by spending time with them, talking to them, helping them with housing and medical insurance and other things they couldn't navigate on their own in their elderly years, and finally taking care of them both hands-on before their deaths.

You don't abandon your parents because they are imperfect. If they are abusive, you move as far away, physically and emotionally, as you need to do to take care of yourself. But excepting abuse, of course we should all feel obligated to our parents. They are family. And as they age, they may become as dependent as children. That's the natural progress of life. Healthy adults are supposed to care for the elderly. That's the way it works.

Anonymous wrote:Define "difficult." What did your mother do that makes you so resentful now. In reality (which does not always coincide with DCUM reality), parents rarely buy adult children houses. Most people cannot afford that. If your family's poverty is the only grudge you hold, you are a waste of skin, OP.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Your answers make me feel so much better. I was feeling like a horrible person for even considering drifting away.

I should clarify that my mom wasn't abusive or anything like that. Just made a lot of irresponsible decisions, didn't model healthy relationships, etc.

Woah, seriously? You would consider cutting her off because she made irresponsible decisions and didn't model healthy relationships!?!?

I was going along with you thinking that she was abusive in some way. But now that I re-read your OP, it seems like you are mostly resentful that she is financially unstable and you don't have the financial advantages that some more privileged children had, like downpayments from their parents.

If she is an unhealthy person to be around for you emotionally, then sure you should draw boundaries. But what I don't hear from you at all is any compassion for your mother's situation. How did she get to the point where she is financially dependent upon you? What advantages did you have, emotionally and educationally, that allowed you to make better choices for yourself?

How old is your mom? Does she not qualify for social security?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you mean by difficult childhood, i had parents that were emotionally absent. I don't actually remember my father giving me even a hug. They are damaged, clueless people but i still feel some compassion for them. Financially, i have not seen a dime from them since high school, not a dime for college or a loan for grad school. They never considered stretching or jeopardizing their financial health for my sake. The time has not come, but i know when it does my brother and SIL will not step to the plate, and i am contemplating what would i be willling to do? I have made peace with their bad parenting, but their stinginess no, can't get over it. So i have no answer for you OP, but there are many of debating what do we really owe our parents? Even bad parents have cared for us in some capacity.

This dynamic is puzzling to me. When people expect the world from their parents (in the material sense), no one on DCUM bats an eye. It is the norm. When it comes to supporting elderly parents in return, it is suddenly selfish of the parents to even hope for attention from their children.

Actually I find that most adult children respond to their parents in kind. Loving and generous parents most often get treated with love and generosity. And even not so loving and generous parents get treated with dignity and receive some level of financial support when it's necessary. Adult children often have the burden of supporting themselves, their children and their parents.

I had an astonishingly terrible childhood and was both mentally and physically abused. I saw money as a way out so I began working 20 hrs a week at 14. At 16 I discovered alcohol and drank all the time to cope. Eventually, I couldn't cope without it. The trajectory of my life makes me cry sometimes. I'm sad for the little girl me who endured so much and for the loss of what I could have become. I told my parents as a teenager that I would never support them and that still stands, even now that they are on the verge of homelessness.

I haven't spoken to that female since i was 19 until she died in 2006. To say she was abusive is an understatement. Had we lived in a western country and i had killed her i wouldnt have gone to jail. But then again I would have probably been removed and she would be in jail.

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you mean by difficult childhood, i had parents that were emotionally absent. I don't actually remember my father giving me even a hug. They are damaged, clueless people but i still feel some compassion for them. Financially, i have not seen a dime from them since high school, not a dime for college or a loan for grad school. They never considered stretching or jeopardizing their financial health for my sake. The time has not come, but i know when it does my brother and SIL will not step to the plate, and i am contemplating what would i be willling to do? I have made peace with their bad parenting, but their stinginess no, can't get over it. So i have no answer for you OP, but there are many of debating what do we really owe our parents? Even bad parents have cared for us in some capacity.

This dynamic is puzzling to me. When people expect the world from their parents (in the material sense), no one on DCUM bats an eye. It is the norm. When it comes to supporting elderly parents in return, it is suddenly selfish of the parents to even hope for attention from their children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a difficult childhood. He has has a strained relationship with his mom. We ended up caring for her in our home for a year and moved her to a nursing home. I manage everything and we do buy her what she needs as she has no money. She has always been nice to me. I do it as that is the example I want my child to have and do the same for me.

There is so much wrong with this statement. You are raising your children to feel obligated to take care of you when they should be focused on their families when they are grown. This is a selfish, not selfless, reason.

Wow. A healthy child-parent relationship is centered around co-dependency. This is called family. You parents don't stop being family after you grow up/marry. If you are solely focused on yourself, you are selfish, not the PP you responded to.

OP why haven't you responded to the questions asking "What about your childhood made it difficult"? Beyond not getting an inheritance, which is the main thing you said.

Anonymous wrote:Some people don't understand what a bad parent is, mine abandoned me when I was 9 and only ever called to talk about her latest boyfriends. Never visited, never attended any birthday's or graduations. Now that she is old, and doesn't have anymore men to chase she is interested in having contact to talk about herself. Well, guess what? I don't have time for her now. I have children care for, and at times feel a bit guilty, but mostly just feel angry that she thinks she can come around now and be in my life.

+1 I had a similar experience except both parents were like this. They have also been in and out of jail all my life because of drugs and stealing . I have no contact. My grandmother raised me, although my dad was sometimes in the picture. Its frankly embarrassing to talk about this with friends. I just tell everyone I "lost" both my parents.

So, my DH had a difficult childhood in some ways. I'd probably call it emotionally abusive but mainly because his mother, his primary caregiver, was (and is) mentally ill and untreated. (She "tried" seeing a shrink sometime in the 70s and didn't like him; my armchair diagnosis is bipolar disorder but who knows. Whatever it is, it's pretty crazy. Not delusional but not really functional, either.) His parents are basically decent people who love him a lot, but they are warped by their own truly terribly abusive families and her mental illness, which they decided to just pray about. DH left behind any financial ties when he went off to college with a full scholarship and rarely visits; they live on the west coast. Since we've had kids, I send them lots of photos, they call (me) occasionally, and they reliably come see us 1x/yr. DH doesn't really talk to them outside of that visit. and the visit is kind of awful; MIL cries a lot; DH is angry and stressed and depressed; FIL tries but then withdraws and doesn't say much. DH is angrier at his dad than her; she's crazy, but his dad has no such excuse and let him be raised by a crazy person who refused to get help. Anyway, I've always figured that we would end up taking care of them, and I'm okay with that, but it hasn't been necessary.

I've always wished there was a way for DH to forgive, I guess, but that's easier to say from the outside, I realize. Or sometimes I think it would be easier and more healthy for DH to cut them out entirely than to continue these yearly cry-fests. But I dunno, I can't see cutting out his parents. They love him and the grandkids a great deal and, well, they're family. I just wish there was a way to make peace with the past AND have them in our lives.