Reply to If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?

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Reply to "If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I am a bit surprised that almost all the posts are from people who feel they have great relationships with their mothers.  OP did ask about that, but she was really seeking advice for fostering one with her daughter, and there haven't been many posting about that.  So I'll chime in.

I have posted before about my DD.  We went through many tough times through high school, during which I can't tell you how many times I heard the phrase "You are the worst f***ing mother in the whole world!"  Her behavior was terrible, her school performance worse.  Gradually I realized that my efforts to get these under control were fruitless, and my efforts would be better spent in changing my own behavior.

This is what preserved my sanity and salvaged our relationship:  learning validation.  Her behavior was so off the rails I began to suspect she had borderline personality disorder but was too young to be diagnosed.  I started reading up on it and how families could cope and the common wisdom pointed to validation techniques.  I cannot begin to tell you how much our relationship turned around after I began implementing them.  It can be difficult because you have to do a lot of filtering of your immediate responses. But so worth it.

I have now gone to the "best mother in the world," her behavior is a world away from where it was before, and our relationship is very strong.  There is no way she has BPD, but I am so glad I suspected it because it allowed me to stumble on to validation.  It is almost a shame that this seems to be reserved for BPD because it is so useful for any parent as their child enters the teen years, which can be so turbulent, or even much younger.

To learn validation I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells," along with some other books whose titles I can't remember.[/quote]

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