Anonymous
12/20/2015 20:55
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
I wasn't as close with my mom until I had kids myself and was humbled to find out how much I had to learn from her.
It's also been a joy to remember how much she loves kids and therefore loved my sibling and me as kids--I see it as a chance to sort of re-live my happy childhood (there were some major problems when I was a teen/young adult that we've both had to work through).
I truly could keep my kids' lives as happy and stable without her influence (and the leftovers she always sends home after Sunday dinners--thanks, mom!!)
It's also been a joy to remember how much she loves kids and therefore loved my sibling and me as kids--I see it as a chance to sort of re-live my happy childhood (there were some major problems when I was a teen/young adult that we've both had to work through).
I truly could keep my kids' lives as happy and stable without her influence (and the leftovers she always sends home after Sunday dinners--thanks, mom!!)
Anonymous
12/20/2015 20:42
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Anonymous wrote:Once adult children are (financially) independent adults, view them as equals. No one has the upper hand. No one is the boss or in charge. I am always asking myself, "would I say this to a friend?" If I wouldn't say it, I don't (ie I would never say, "you really should ...") Respect their unique personality which may or may not blend easily with yours - just like out in the wider world - not every personality is an easy match. If they are a private person and don't open up much about themselves, you must respect their personality. They don't exist to fulfill your emotional needs. I think it's really a friend relationship - but only once they are adults.
I like this and think this is true. This is my 2nd time posting (to the person who thought we were all the same) and I do think a lot of my close relationship is because we're equals and best friends.
Anonymous
12/20/2015 20:33
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
I did not have a close relationship with my mother growing up and we still butt heads. I treasure the close relationship with my daughter. Something just happened that has caused both of us some pain and I'm sad tonight, but confident that the doors of communication are still open and we will move on.
Anonymous
12/20/2015 20:29
Subject: Re:If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
I feel that I have a good relationship with my daughter (20), but not with my mother. My mother has many issues and after years of therapy I am able to deal with her.
With your own children, I think it starts with respect - demanding it and giving it. That includes not teasing or breaking their confidence. I am my daughter's biggest cheerleader, and she knows it. I tell her how much I love her and how proud of her I am, and I know she knows I mean it. At the same time, I am honest with her about how I need to let her go and make her own choices and live her own life. I try to keep the communication going by saying out loud what I am thinking and modeling that we are negotiating a new relationship as she gets older.
And I always apologize if I need to.
I also think that it is important to spend time outdoors with your children when they are young, away from electronics and so forth. You can have great talks and times together hiking and camping. Find positive things that the kids enjoy and be fully present with them while engaging in them. And with younger ones, read to them lots and then you can talk about what you read, so that gives you a framework for discussing how life works and how people work.
With your own children, I think it starts with respect - demanding it and giving it. That includes not teasing or breaking their confidence. I am my daughter's biggest cheerleader, and she knows it. I tell her how much I love her and how proud of her I am, and I know she knows I mean it. At the same time, I am honest with her about how I need to let her go and make her own choices and live her own life. I try to keep the communication going by saying out loud what I am thinking and modeling that we are negotiating a new relationship as she gets older.
And I always apologize if I need to.
I also think that it is important to spend time outdoors with your children when they are young, away from electronics and so forth. You can have great talks and times together hiking and camping. Find positive things that the kids enjoy and be fully present with them while engaging in them. And with younger ones, read to them lots and then you can talk about what you read, so that gives you a framework for discussing how life works and how people work.
Anonymous
12/18/2015 12:58
Subject: Re:If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
I am a bit surprised that almost all the posts are from people who feel they have great relationships with their mothers. OP did ask about that, but she was really seeking advice for fostering one with her daughter, and there haven't been many posting about that. So I'll chime in.
I have posted before about my DD. We went through many tough times through high school, during which I can't tell you how many times I heard the phrase "You are the worst f***ing mother in the whole world!" Her behavior was terrible, her school performance worse. Gradually I realized that my efforts to get these under control were fruitless, and my efforts would be better spent in changing my own behavior.
This is what preserved my sanity and salvaged our relationship: learning validation. Her behavior was so off the rails I began to suspect she had borderline personality disorder but was too young to be diagnosed. I started reading up on it and how families could cope and the common wisdom pointed to validation techniques. I cannot begin to tell you how much our relationship turned around after I began implementing them. It can be difficult because you have to do a lot of filtering of your immediate responses. But so worth it.
I have now gone to the "best mother in the world," her behavior is a world away from where it was before, and our relationship is very strong. There is no way she has BPD, but I am so glad I suspected it because it allowed me to stumble on to validation. It is almost a shame that this seems to be reserved for BPD because it is so useful for any parent as their child enters the teen years, which can be so turbulent, or even much younger.
To learn validation I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells," along with some other books whose titles I can't remember.
I have posted before about my DD. We went through many tough times through high school, during which I can't tell you how many times I heard the phrase "You are the worst f***ing mother in the whole world!" Her behavior was terrible, her school performance worse. Gradually I realized that my efforts to get these under control were fruitless, and my efforts would be better spent in changing my own behavior.
This is what preserved my sanity and salvaged our relationship: learning validation. Her behavior was so off the rails I began to suspect she had borderline personality disorder but was too young to be diagnosed. I started reading up on it and how families could cope and the common wisdom pointed to validation techniques. I cannot begin to tell you how much our relationship turned around after I began implementing them. It can be difficult because you have to do a lot of filtering of your immediate responses. But so worth it.
I have now gone to the "best mother in the world," her behavior is a world away from where it was before, and our relationship is very strong. There is no way she has BPD, but I am so glad I suspected it because it allowed me to stumble on to validation. It is almost a shame that this seems to be reserved for BPD because it is so useful for any parent as their child enters the teen years, which can be so turbulent, or even much younger.
To learn validation I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells," along with some other books whose titles I can't remember.
Anonymous
12/18/2015 12:13
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
My mom allows me to make mistakes. She lets her opinion be known without dwelling on it. She supports my successes and failures. She does not compare me to her or to anyone else (I think this is huge). She still parents me...she is my mother...I need a mother; I have friends....but she respects me as an equal at the same time.
Anonymous
12/18/2015 07:48
Subject: Re:If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Anonymous wrote:I was really enjoying these (don't have a good relationship with my mom, and want to make sure I have a better one with my daughter.)
But by the end of the second page, I was getting the weird feeling that 3-5 posts were written by the same person. That'd be weird, though. This isn't the kind of thread one trolls, is it?
Or maybe it's true that all happy families are the same, as they say.
Maybe all happy family ARE the same. There are definitely strategies to being happy. There are also strategies to successful child rearing. Sounds like many moms here found a "formula" that works. If only we could bottle it! We'd be rich and there would be fewer unhappy Thanksgiving and Mothers' Day posts in DCUM!
Anonymous
12/18/2015 07:31
Subject: Re:If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Anonymous wrote:I was really enjoying these (don't have a good relationship with my mom, and want to make sure I have a better one with my daughter.)
But by the end of the second page, I was getting the weird feeling that 3-5 posts were written by the same person. That'd be weird, though. This isn't the kind of thread one trolls, is it?
Or maybe it's true that all happy families are the same, as they say.
I highly doubt there are any trolls on this thread. I'm one of the posters who is extremely close with my mom and everything the other posters said rang true for me. I think there's a certain kind of woman who just exemplifies everything we ourselves want to be as mothers. I try to emulate my mom in parenting my tween daughter.
Anonymous
12/18/2015 05:52
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Anonymous wrote:^^^and it is sad that you seem to have given up on a positive relationship already.
Uh, okay? You completely misread my tone, but that's not my issue.
Anonymous
12/18/2015 04:07
Subject: Re:If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Anonymous wrote:I was really enjoying these (don't have a good relationship with my mom, and want to make sure I have a better one with my daughter.)
But by the end of the second page, I was getting the weird feeling that 3-5 posts were written by the same person. That'd be weird, though. This isn't the kind of thread one trolls, is it?
Or maybe it's true that all happy families are the same, as they say.
Dunno - I wrote in on the first page about a 21 yr old DD. I don't think all happy families are the same. The older I get, and the more people I meet, the more clear it is to me that there are many different ways of doing things to still get good, successful outcomes. We never had family dinners for example. Yet despite that, my kids did not become crack addicts who dropped out of high school.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 20:37
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
^^^and it is sad that you seem to have given up on a positive relationship already.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 20:37
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm obsessed with my mom. She's the best. One thing she never does is second guess my judgement. I'm in my 30s and grown and she really respects my opinion on things, and I feel that way about her too. She really accepts me for who I am and seems to like me. I do the same for her too. She's been like this most of my life, but was obviously very involved in my thought process and decision making when I was a kid and gave me a lot of age-appropriate responsibilities and asked me a lot about what I thought about things. I just love her.
I feel exactly the same way. I'm also obsessed with my mom! She's just the best person ever and I feel like I've won the mother lottery. Everything you said pertains to her, and many of the things other posters were saying too. My mom just shines from within and lights up any and all gatherings with her wonderful, caring personality. I'm so grateful that my kids know her as well as they do and are very close. I can only hope my daughter and I are as close when she grows up.
This sentiment is just one of the best I've ever heard. I feel exactly the same way about my two kids (and have said so to multiple people)--I really hope they feel the same about me when they're older. My daughter is still young--four--but I try hard to listen to her and let her be herself, whoever that is and will become. I'd love to be close to my son, too, when he's an adult, but I recognize those relationships can be a bit different.[/quote
Because of the controlling and insecure wives who are threatened by another women in their husbands life. It doesn't have to be his way.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 20:35
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm obsessed with my mom. She's the best. One thing she never does is second guess my judgement. I'm in my 30s and grown and she really respects my opinion on things, and I feel that way about her too. She really accepts me for who I am and seems to like me. I do the same for her too. She's been like this most of my life, but was obviously very involved in my thought process and decision making when I was a kid and gave me a lot of age-appropriate responsibilities and asked me a lot about what I thought about things. I just love her.
I feel exactly the same way. I'm also obsessed with my mom! She's just the best person ever and I feel like I've won the mother lottery. Everything you said pertains to her, and many of the things other posters were saying too. My mom just shines from within and lights up any and all gatherings with her wonderful, caring personality. I'm so grateful that my kids know her as well as they do and are very close. I can only hope my daughter and I are as close when she grows up.
This sentiment is just one of the best I've ever heard. I feel exactly the same way about my two kids (and have said so to multiple people)--I really hope they feel the same about me when they're older. My daughter is still young--four--but I try hard to listen to her and let her be herself, whoever that is and will become. I'd love to be close to my son, too, when he's an adult, but I recognize those relationships can be a bit different.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 20:26
Subject: Re:If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
I was really enjoying these (don't have a good relationship with my mom, and want to make sure I have a better one with my daughter.)
But by the end of the second page, I was getting the weird feeling that 3-5 posts were written by the same person. That'd be weird, though. This isn't the kind of thread one trolls, is it?
Or maybe it's true that all happy families are the same, as they say.
But by the end of the second page, I was getting the weird feeling that 3-5 posts were written by the same person. That'd be weird, though. This isn't the kind of thread one trolls, is it?
Or maybe it's true that all happy families are the same, as they say.
Anonymous
12/17/2015 14:14
Subject: If you have adult daughters, and you are close to them, how did you do it?
Very close to both my mom and to my teen daughter. I guess it started with putting them first in your life, loving them and being honest with them.
Communicate with them, be open to their point of view, be encouraging and be honest with them if you disagree with them and have open, honest, respectful dialog with them.
And top it all off with lots of love and hugs.
I am also close to my MIL and SIL. I have cultivated these relationships over time. All four of these women in my life are very different from me in temperament, interests and viewpoints. Yet we coexist happily and with a lot more appreciation for the opposing point of view.
Communicate with them, be open to their point of view, be encouraging and be honest with them if you disagree with them and have open, honest, respectful dialog with them.
And top it all off with lots of love and hugs.
I am also close to my MIL and SIL. I have cultivated these relationships over time. All four of these women in my life are very different from me in temperament, interests and viewpoints. Yet we coexist happily and with a lot more appreciation for the opposing point of view.