Reply to I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom

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[quote=Anonymous]Oh, friend, I'm so, so sorry for the pain you are going through.  It's awful - your husband is awful, his AP is awful, and I'm so, so sorry that you have to deal with this.

As others have said, you are their mom and no one is more important to them - you are irreplaceable.  I know I am my 3 year old's greatest comfort and favorite person in the world, but if a carousel opened up next door to our house, I know he'd opt to ride the carousel rather than hang out with me pretty much anytime.  That's what's going on with the AP - she's the shiny new thing for them.  It's not a reflection on how they feel about you - it's just that there's an interesting diversion somewhere else right now.

I'm a stepmom (who met my SD's dad years after her mom asked for a divorce, so it's a different context) and I can see that more than anything, the most destructive and toxic thing to my SD has been having more power than a kid should.  Both of her parents would give in whenever she said she wanted to be with one over the other.  But choosing one over the other was also fraught with guilt for her, so then she felt obligated to provide emotional support to the "rejected" parent.  Then she realized that manipulation was working well, and both parents would compete for her preference.  It really, really was twisted and even though she is an adult now, it has complicated her life in really damaging ways.

So my suggestion would be to stick to the custody agreement.  Even when the kids say they'd rather be at their dad's, give them the gift of consistency and say this is their time at your house.  Because if you give them what they want in the short term, it's too much responsibility on them, and too much emotional complication for them.  They need to be with you when they're supposed to be with you,  even if they say they don't want to.

You will build your own traditions and they will come to love and appreciate the quieter, more intimate holiday with you some years.  The great thing is that they get to experience both kinds of holidays - big bustling ones with extended family, and smaller, intimate ones in your cozy loving home.  Yours is just as good, just different.

Rooting for you.  I know it hurts.[/quote]

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