Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:59
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Anonymous wrote:A step mom here. (Never an ASAP though). I think it was so kind of you to let your kids for TG to see cousins. I have found in divorced families that kids often really miss extended family a lot, and the divorce can hurt those relationships so much.
I know they are just words but a step mom never replaces a real mom. She likely is trying to make everything perfect. I know I try. I think I might just tell the girls it's great to have two sets of traditions in each house. Try not to think of it as a competition, but more like an addition.
I'd be cautious about giving up holidays, even for cousins. Is there a way you can get the kids together with these cousins at other times? Or are those relationships strained because of the divorce?
Im sorry it hurts so much and I hope the relationships get to an equilibrium where the kids are happy there, but not over the top gushing about it. If that makes sense. Sounds like things are still pretty new? They will likely change several times over the years. I know my relationship has, although I think I approach being a SM in a different way than most. I give 100% deference to their mom. Not for their mom's sake but for the kids' sake.
Never an affair partner, not ASAP. I hate autocorrect.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:58
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
A step mom here. (Never an ASAP though). I think it was so kind of you to let your kids for TG to see cousins. I have found in divorced families that kids often really miss extended family a lot, and the divorce can hurt those relationships so much.
I know they are just words but a step mom never replaces a real mom. She likely is trying to make everything perfect. I know I try. I think I might just tell the girls it's great to have two sets of traditions in each house. Try not to think of it as a competition, but more like an addition.
I'd be cautious about giving up holidays, even for cousins. Is there a way you can get the kids together with these cousins at other times? Or are those relationships strained because of the divorce?
Im sorry it hurts so much and I hope the relationships get to an equilibrium where the kids are happy there, but not over the top gushing about it. If that makes sense. Sounds like things are still pretty new? They will likely change several times over the years. I know my relationship has, although I think I approach being a SM in a different way than most. I give 100% deference to their mom. Not for their mom's sake but for the kids' sake.
I know they are just words but a step mom never replaces a real mom. She likely is trying to make everything perfect. I know I try. I think I might just tell the girls it's great to have two sets of traditions in each house. Try not to think of it as a competition, but more like an addition.
I'd be cautious about giving up holidays, even for cousins. Is there a way you can get the kids together with these cousins at other times? Or are those relationships strained because of the divorce?
Im sorry it hurts so much and I hope the relationships get to an equilibrium where the kids are happy there, but not over the top gushing about it. If that makes sense. Sounds like things are still pretty new? They will likely change several times over the years. I know my relationship has, although I think I approach being a SM in a different way than most. I give 100% deference to their mom. Not for their mom's sake but for the kids' sake.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:35
Subject: Re:I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Violating the custody order or agreement sure. Alienation, not so much. Extremely hard to prove actual damage done. No damage proven, no custody lost.
>>>>>>>>>>>
Do you even know WTF you are talking about??? Are you a lawyer? A judge? What experience do you have in family law???
As a divorced mom with custody, I would not want to dare to violate the visitation agreement and get dragged into court.
"Judges tend to be very protective of children during this process, and if the court finds evidence of deliberate efforts by either parent to alienate the children from the other parent, there can be serious consequences up to and including jail time. Court orders have teeth, and family judges have been known to bite when parents are behaving badly."
http://caverslaw.com/articles/special_topics/consequences-of-parental-alienation/
Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:17
Subject: Re:I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Anonymous wrote:
And if you enable these relationships, you legitimize them.
So marriage, vows, honor mean nothing. And you say, I'm great with that! Whatever goes.
You're an idiot. The father still has a legal right to see his children, and obviously, the children love him and want to see him.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:17
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
I think it's normal to be jealous. But at the same time, you can't let those feelings control you. Accept them as human and normal and then move on. Remember that in the end, it's good that she is caring and kind to your kids.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:16
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
I'm a divorced kid who has really enjoyed having two women role models in my life. I know you are angry now, but the kids will only benefit from good relationships. Try to not badmouth the OW in front of your kids. I know, easier said than done, but really, it is better for the kids long term. AND as they get older, they will make up their own mind about their dad - you don't have to do it for them.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:14
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you , OP.
You are doing right by them.
YOU are their mom.
No sweet talking hussy no matter how many cookies, treats, and toys she bribes them with can change that.
You are in this for the long haul she's only in it until your ex gets bored and replaces her.
Please. My DH's father has been married to his AP for 40 years. And honestly, no one should wish for more instability in their children's lives.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 12:06
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Anonymous wrote:I remember your post from the relationship forum. It's okay to be envious. Just smile and do your best to move forward. It's a difficult path, but it will be worth it in the end.
I remember you too. I'm so sorry. I'm lucky that my kids' stepmom isn't super interested in mothering them.
The AP part makes it that much harder.
You can't avoid the hussy/whore. He married her and you can't keep your kids away from her. That sucks but it's reality.
I will tell you that my mom's clear resentment of me and my sister having a relationship with our stepmom who was my dad's AP has been a real pain for us as the kids to deal with. It made mom much less appealing to be with. My dad is always fun and good company and my mom is always bitter and angry. My stepmom has always been nice to me (and I have never really forgiven her for having an affair with my dad, but I keep it cordial).
the kids shouldn't have to deal with the adult conflict. So I echo the advice of another poster who said smile and let it go.
Now that I am divorced from a cheater I work hard to not project bitterness to my kids.
Have you read the Sandcastles book on divorce? It really helped me get a good perspective on how the kids need me to handle things.
Is money an issue for you? If you have some flexibility, how about doing something fun for a holiday? It's only the three of us, as well... I saved up and took my kids to a "cheapcaribbean.com" thanksgiving. No complaints from them!
Anonymous
12/03/2015 10:13
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Anonymous wrote:Oh, friend, I'm so, so sorry for the pain you are going through. It's awful - your husband is awful, his AP is awful, and I'm so, so sorry that you have to deal with this.
As others have said, you are their mom and no one is more important to them - you are irreplaceable. I know I am my 3 year old's greatest comfort and favorite person in the world, but if a carousel opened up next door to our house, I know he'd opt to ride the carousel rather than hang out with me pretty much anytime. That's what's going on with the AP - she's the shiny new thing for them. It's not a reflection on how they feel about you - it's just that there's an interesting diversion somewhere else right now.
I'm a stepmom (who met my SD's dad years after her mom asked for a divorce, so it's a different context) and I can see that more than anything, the most destructive and toxic thing to my SD has been having more power than a kid should. Both of her parents would give in whenever she said she wanted to be with one over the other. But choosing one over the other was also fraught with guilt for her, so then she felt obligated to provide emotional support to the "rejected" parent. Then she realized that manipulation was working well, and both parents would compete for her preference. It really, really was twisted and even though she is an adult now, it has complicated her life in really damaging ways.
So my suggestion would be to stick to the custody agreement. Even when the kids say they'd rather be at their dad's, give them the gift of consistency and say this is their time at your house. Because if you give them what they want in the short term, it's too much responsibility on them, and too much emotional complication for them. They need to be with you when they're supposed to be with you, even if they say they don't want to.
You will build your own traditions and they will come to love and appreciate the quieter, more intimate holiday with you some years. The great thing is that they get to experience both kinds of holidays - big bustling ones with extended family, and smaller, intimate ones in your cozy loving home. Yours is just as good, just different.
Rooting for you. I know it hurts.
This is perfect advice.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 10:05
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Could you do something like plan a holiday trip and book it in advance and then when he suggests switching the dates around you just say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I already made reservations to celebrate Thanksgiving at a little cabin in Shenandoah and it's nonrefundable" or something like that?
Anonymous
12/03/2015 10:03
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Oh, friend, I'm so, so sorry for the pain you are going through. It's awful - your husband is awful, his AP is awful, and I'm so, so sorry that you have to deal with this.
As others have said, you are their mom and no one is more important to them - you are irreplaceable. I know I am my 3 year old's greatest comfort and favorite person in the world, but if a carousel opened up next door to our house, I know he'd opt to ride the carousel rather than hang out with me pretty much anytime. That's what's going on with the AP - she's the shiny new thing for them. It's not a reflection on how they feel about you - it's just that there's an interesting diversion somewhere else right now.
I'm a stepmom (who met my SD's dad years after her mom asked for a divorce, so it's a different context) and I can see that more than anything, the most destructive and toxic thing to my SD has been having more power than a kid should. Both of her parents would give in whenever she said she wanted to be with one over the other. But choosing one over the other was also fraught with guilt for her, so then she felt obligated to provide emotional support to the "rejected" parent. Then she realized that manipulation was working well, and both parents would compete for her preference. It really, really was twisted and even though she is an adult now, it has complicated her life in really damaging ways.
So my suggestion would be to stick to the custody agreement. Even when the kids say they'd rather be at their dad's, give them the gift of consistency and say this is their time at your house. Because if you give them what they want in the short term, it's too much responsibility on them, and too much emotional complication for them. They need to be with you when they're supposed to be with you, even if they say they don't want to.
You will build your own traditions and they will come to love and appreciate the quieter, more intimate holiday with you some years. The great thing is that they get to experience both kinds of holidays - big bustling ones with extended family, and smaller, intimate ones in your cozy loving home. Yours is just as good, just different.
Rooting for you. I know it hurts.
As others have said, you are their mom and no one is more important to them - you are irreplaceable. I know I am my 3 year old's greatest comfort and favorite person in the world, but if a carousel opened up next door to our house, I know he'd opt to ride the carousel rather than hang out with me pretty much anytime. That's what's going on with the AP - she's the shiny new thing for them. It's not a reflection on how they feel about you - it's just that there's an interesting diversion somewhere else right now.
I'm a stepmom (who met my SD's dad years after her mom asked for a divorce, so it's a different context) and I can see that more than anything, the most destructive and toxic thing to my SD has been having more power than a kid should. Both of her parents would give in whenever she said she wanted to be with one over the other. But choosing one over the other was also fraught with guilt for her, so then she felt obligated to provide emotional support to the "rejected" parent. Then she realized that manipulation was working well, and both parents would compete for her preference. It really, really was twisted and even though she is an adult now, it has complicated her life in really damaging ways.
So my suggestion would be to stick to the custody agreement. Even when the kids say they'd rather be at their dad's, give them the gift of consistency and say this is their time at your house. Because if you give them what they want in the short term, it's too much responsibility on them, and too much emotional complication for them. They need to be with you when they're supposed to be with you, even if they say they don't want to.
You will build your own traditions and they will come to love and appreciate the quieter, more intimate holiday with you some years. The great thing is that they get to experience both kinds of holidays - big bustling ones with extended family, and smaller, intimate ones in your cozy loving home. Yours is just as good, just different.
Rooting for you. I know it hurts.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 09:51
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you , OP.
You are doing right by them.
YOU are their mom.
No sweet talking hussy no matter how many cookies, treats, and toys she bribes them with can change that.
You are in this for the long haul she's only in it until your ex gets bored and replaces her.
I am not OP, but this made me smile haha.
It's true OP, they share with you because they TRUST you. They trust you won't get jealous or made at them because they had fun. That's a wonderful thing and means you are faking it really well. That's just what they need. You are their mom, their mama, their mommy. Nothing will ever replace that. Ever. It might not be the same, but that doesn't mean it's not also awesome. The best way you can love your kids is to encourage them to have a great relationship with their father and step-mother. They might not see it now, but as they get older they will see so clearly how hard that must have been and it will make them love you more. My mother did this for me, and at 35, it's still one of the greatest gifts she's ever given me. She put her own hurt aside so that I could be open and welcoming to the love my father gave me. Because of this I have great relationships with both of my parents as an adult. I didn't really understand how hard this must have been for her until I got married and had my own child. Now I see it and it makes me love her even more.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 09:33
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Anonymous wrote:Eh, Step"mom" is putting her best foot forward. Won't last long. She will get shrill and shrewish, as they all do, and your kids will see her true colors. Probably just as soon as she gets a positive HPT.
+1
I was the fun stepmom for a couple of years because I could afford to be fun! It's not hard to be super-fun every other weekend, summers, and holidays. Once I got pregnant, the fun diminished quite a bit. I don't think I've gone so far as to become shrill and shrewish, and my true colors aren't so bad but yes, things have gotten much less fun 2 kids later.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 09:01
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
I know it's really hard, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. It's a good thing that they get along with their stepmother. It's a good thing that they get to spend holidays with their cousins.
I wouldn't be flexible all the time with holidays--you have an agreement, stick to the agreement--but you're right, that what's really important is that your kids are happy.
I do agree with a PP who said that it might be time to talk to your kids about what would make a fun and meaningful holiday even when it's "just the three of you." Or make it not just the three of you--lots of people I know do Thanksgivings where they invite anyone they know who isn't going away to visit family. Or plan special activities or even a little trip. It's not a competition, but it is about making new traditions when the ones that you had as a family are lost.
I wouldn't be flexible all the time with holidays--you have an agreement, stick to the agreement--but you're right, that what's really important is that your kids are happy.
I do agree with a PP who said that it might be time to talk to your kids about what would make a fun and meaningful holiday even when it's "just the three of you." Or make it not just the three of you--lots of people I know do Thanksgivings where they invite anyone they know who isn't going away to visit family. Or plan special activities or even a little trip. It's not a competition, but it is about making new traditions when the ones that you had as a family are lost.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 08:39
Subject: I'm jealous of my kid's relationship with their stepmom
Eh, Step"mom" is putting her best foot forward. Won't last long. She will get shrill and shrewish, as they all do, and your kids will see her true colors. Probably just as soon as she gets a positive HPT.