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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor.  I'm not denigrating myself.  I carry a lot of adipose tissue.  So I'm fat.  I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat.  The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way?  Did he say it to be mean?  Was his tone derisive?  What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?[/quote]

I am a DH, and my DW is fat and it is weight she gained during pregnancy which she hasn't been able to lose.  She was pudgy or "curvy" before and then packed on a good bit and hasn't lost any.

She regularly complains she's fat, and I regularly tell her she's not really and it's fine and she will eventually lose the weight.  It is a lie, and I think we both know it, but saying anything else would be deemed hurtful, I think.   I'm bummed, but I don't see a way out of this corner...I just hope it gets better.[/quote]

Fat wife PP here, and I have a few thoughts.  I am lucky in that my husband married me at my current size, and while I gained weight during pregnancy, I returned to roughly the same size, though my body shape has changed in ways that I don't like (things feel and...hang...differently).  But at least I know that my husband chose me when I was already fat, so I don't have to worry about his love being withdrawn because of the shape my body is currently in.

I think you have a couple of things going on, PP.  One is that you are lying to your wife when you say that she is not fat.  But I presume that what you mean to say is that "You're not ugly" or "You're not unworthy" or really, "Please stop hating yourself because I love you and I don't want you to hate yourself."  But I don't think it helps to lie, and I also don't think it helps your relationship for both of you to lie to each other and know you're lying.

In a follow-up, you said that the problem is that you're not attracted to your wife any longer.  And I do think this is a HUGE problem -- yours, not hers.  Think about it.  You took a vow to love her for the rest of your lives.  Did you really think that her body would not change during this time?  Most people gain weight in middle age.  All people get wrinkles.  Most people get age spots.  Gravity takes its toll.  Didn't you realize that one day you'd likely be married to a droopy, wrinkled, age-spotted, pudgy person?  Seriously.   We don't take vows and say, "I promise to love you and forsake all others, unless your body changes and I'm not attracted to you anymore."  We say forever and we're supposed to mean it.  So some of this is your problem to work on...you promised to love her, so you have to find ways to rebuild your attraction to her that doesn't require her to change her body.  And it's possible -- it's all about training your brain.  Touch her a lot.  Close your eyes and feel the softness of her skin, the curve of her hips.  Focus on her pleasure and how hot it is that you bring her pleasure.  Flirt a lot.  A lot a lot a lot.  Touch her outside the bedroom.  Kiss her unexpectedly, real kisses.  ACT sexy and you may find that you feel it again.

As far as honesty to her, I think you focus on kindness, not dishonestly.  Next time she brings up how fat she feels, you can kindly say, "Sally, I married you forever and I will love you forever, and look, our bodies are going to change in the next few decades.  Yours has changed since you had kids, and I know you're unhappy about it.  If you want to focus more on fitness and doing things together that might change your body so you feel better about it, would you want my support?  Like, we could lift weights together at night after the kids go to bed.  Or if you want me to watch them while you go to the gym, I could do that.  It hurts to see you so unhappy with yourself."[/quote]

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