Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

This sounds great in theory, but in reality the term "fat" is not a neutral adjective for the vast majority of people. And using that term is mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

I am a DH, and my DW is fat and it is weight she gained during pregnancy which she hasn't been able to lose. She was pudgy or "curvy" before and then packed on a good bit and hasn't lost any.

She regularly complains she's fat, and I regularly tell her she's not really and it's fine and she will eventually lose the weight. It is a lie, and I think we both know it, but saying anything else would be deemed hurtful, I think. I'm bummed, but I don't see a way out of this corner...I just hope it gets better.

I'm in your same position, except I'm the wife. I'm also not particularly bummed, in that my DH's weight doesn't make me want him any less or affect our sex life. I am only really concerned about it in so far as it's an actual health issue and it affects his self esteem. We both know that when he says, "I'm so fat" what he's really looking for is reassurance that I still love him even with the extra 25 pounds. We both know that we gained a bunch of weight a few years ago and haven't been able to lose 100% of it. We also both know that I'm motivated to lose by exercising portion control and going to the gym and he's just not motivated like that.

If he asks for constructive criticism or advice, I'm happy to provide it in a clinical, non-judgmental way. If what he wants is reassurance that I love him and am attracted to him, I'm happy to provide that as well. If his weight started affecting my attraction to him, I would discuss that with him in a non-judgmental way. If his weight started affecting my love for him, I would see a therapist for myself, because that's fucked up.

NP here. The reassurance is exactly what people are looking for.

To the DH with the overweight wife, have you ever asked your wife, after she complains about her weight, if there's anything you could do to make it easier for her? If my dh said that to me, I'd take him up on it in a second - I'd love to be able to take a walk or jump on the treadmill while he handles some evening kid duties, or have him do the morning routine, etc., etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I teach my kids that before they say anything, they have to think:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it helpful?

Calling someone fat is definitely not all 3.

is it true = yes
is it kind = yes (lard ass elephant would be unkind)
is it helpful = yes, time for wakeup call, diet and gym for you!

This is great advice when you're teaching kids to interact with other kids in school and in society in general. But are you that controlled around your spouse? I think those 3 things are honorable goals, but what if your spouse does something that lets you down? You don't say it just because it's not particularly kind?

This is not about letting someone down. A spouse should not be any particular size to suit the expectations of the other.

If you cant be kind to your spouse, the person who you should treat better than anyone else in the world, what does it say about you as a person? Its not about being controlled, its about being nice. Same way you need to be polite and thankful, say please and thank you, give compliments and apologies.

Obviously, you can tell your spouse if there is a problem, but "you are fat" is not saying there is a problem. "You have been down on yourself about your weight and it is affecting our relationship" is talking about a problem.

Um, I completely disagree. If someone married you at six x, you should hover around size x +- 2 at most out of respect for your spouse. Lack of attraction due to weight gain IS a problem for a marriage.
-signed a DW with a husband who thought it was ok to get lazy after marriage and eat whatever he wanted (he has since reformed his ways thank god).

The secret is to only allow clothes of a certain size, throw out all the fat and maternity clothes. Once they start feeling tight it is time to diet. You need to learn that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I teach my kids that before they say anything, they have to think:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it helpful?

Calling someone fat is definitely not all 3.

is it true = yes
is it kind = yes (lard ass elephant would be unkind)
is it helpful = yes, time for wakeup call, diet and gym for you!

This is great advice when you're teaching kids to interact with other kids in school and in society in general. But are you that controlled around your spouse? I think those 3 things are honorable goals, but what if your spouse does something that lets you down? You don't say it just because it's not particularly kind?

This is not about letting someone down. A spouse should not be any particular size to suit the expectations of the other.

If you cant be kind to your spouse, the person who you should treat better than anyone else in the world, what does it say about you as a person? Its not about being controlled, its about being nice. Same way you need to be polite and thankful, say please and thank you, give compliments and apologies.

Obviously, you can tell your spouse if there is a problem, but "you are fat" is not saying there is a problem. "You have been down on yourself about your weight and it is affecting our relationship" is talking about a problem.

Anonymous wrote:I never said anything about being non-judgmental with YOU. I can understand weight issues being detrimental to attraction, but to love? Seriously? You love your wife less because she's fat? That seems very shallow and cold to me and is not a feeling I relate to on any level.

Who said anything about not loving her anymore? I said I wasn't attracted but love her very much.

Anonymous wrote:As for your constructive question, about how to discuss, what I have seen suggested is not focusing on your lack of attraction, but on the increased attraction that would result from her being in shape. "I think it's so sexy when you're fit and strong" for example. If weight is physically impacting someone's sex life (like, one partner too fat to be on top, or one partner getting exhausted and out of breath from basic sexual activity), I would mention that I was very concerned that weight gain had impacted our sex life and offer to help with an exercise program so that we can get back to being frisky.

Thank goodness it's not that bad...

Context DOES matter and I do not think he should have used the word "fat." Although if you have been calling yourself fat the whole time, you are taking the stigma out of the word.

On a broader note, I would expect and hope that my DH is honest with me to tell me in a diplomatic way when he thinks something is an issue - especially if is ultimately a health and lifestyle issue. I just do not think that a married couple should be afraid to offer constructive criticism that is genuine and sincere. That is part of the marriage deal. My DH and I do this by proposing a solution to the issue we are commenting on. DH has "commented" about my weight by offering to be my workout partner or by offering to pay a trainer to teach me simple things to do at home. I have commented on my DH's sense of style (he is an awful dresser) by offering to help style him and putting him in contact with a haberdasher I know with a great sense of style. There are ways to be constructive without being critical.

You kind of need to provide context for this I think. Was it "You're such a fat ass" in the middle of a fight? Or was it you saying "I'm so fat" and him saying "Yes, you are, are you going to do something about it?" It does matter!

In any event, I think this might be the kick in the pants you needed to lose the weight. Clearly being fat makes you unhappy, so do something about it! It's not baby weight at this point, it's just extra weight. Diet and exercise, it isn't hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your same position, except I'm the wife. I'm also not particularly bummed, in that my DH's weight doesn't make me want him any less or affect our sex life.

Well, that's very nice for you. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to her any longer. The fat is just too much. I wish it didn't make any difference to me. I do still love her, very much, but I am not attracted.

Anonymous wrote:If his weight started affecting my attraction to him, I would discuss that with him in a non-judgmental way.

How would you go about that? I would really be interested in getting some good ideas for bringing this up in a way which is not "judgmental" or mean. I can't for the life of me figure out how to tell someone "I'm not attracted to you anymore" not coming off like a kind of hurtful rejection.

Anonymous wrote:If his weight started affecting my love for him, I would see a therapist for myself, because that's fucked up.

Oh, no, not judgemental at all!

I never said anything about being non-judgmental with YOU. I can understand weight issues being detrimental to attraction, but to love? Seriously? You love your wife less because she's fat? That seems very shallow and cold to me and is not a feeling I relate to on any level.

As for your constructive question, about how to discuss, what I have seen suggested is not focusing on your lack of attraction, but on the increased attraction that would result from her being in shape. "I think it's so sexy when you're fit and strong" for example. If weight is physically impacting someone's sex life (like, one partner too fat to be on top, or one partner getting exhausted and out of breath from basic sexual activity), I would mention that I was very concerned that weight gain had impacted our sex life and offer to help with an exercise program so that we can get back to being frisky.

spend his money on lipo.

Previous fat wife here. I was pretty skinny, gained a lot of weight during the marriage and then went back to losing it. I *always* tried. But it didn't always work. And for my husband, nothing I did was enough. I had hired a personal trainer, and was battling two medical conditions, but to him, they were excuses.

I'm not going to get into what is healthy and what isn't for weight or marriages. I will tell you that if you are fat, and you know it, have you addressed it? And if not, why?

Another thing to look at is what works for you. Don't look at what works for others, think of what works for you, for a long term solution. If it takes you 3 years to lose 50 pounds, do it. As long as those 50 are gone for good. Don't care that someone else dropped 20 pounds in a month.

Good luck, OP and the DW of the dude who's not attracted to her anymore. There's no journey harder than the one to your core.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

I am a DH, and my DW is fat and it is weight she gained during pregnancy which she hasn't been able to lose. She was pudgy or "curvy" before and then packed on a good bit and hasn't lost any.

She regularly complains she's fat, and I regularly tell her she's not really and it's fine and she will eventually lose the weight. It is a lie, and I think we both know it, but saying anything else would be deemed hurtful, I think. I'm bummed, but I don't see a way out of this corner...I just hope it gets better.

Fat wife PP here, and I have a few thoughts. I am lucky in that my husband married me at my current size, and while I gained weight during pregnancy, I returned to roughly the same size, though my body shape has changed in ways that I don't like (things feel and...hang...differently). But at least I know that my husband chose me when I was already fat, so I don't have to worry about his love being withdrawn because of the shape my body is currently in.

I think you have a couple of things going on, PP. One is that you are lying to your wife when you say that she is not fat. But I presume that what you mean to say is that "You're not ugly" or "You're not unworthy" or really, "Please stop hating yourself because I love you and I don't want you to hate yourself." But I don't think it helps to lie, and I also don't think it helps your relationship for both of you to lie to each other and know you're lying.

In a follow-up, you said that the problem is that you're not attracted to your wife any longer. And I do think this is a HUGE problem -- yours, not hers. Think about it. You took a vow to love her for the rest of your lives. Did you really think that her body would not change during this time? Most people gain weight in middle age. All people get wrinkles. Most people get age spots. Gravity takes its toll. Didn't you realize that one day you'd likely be married to a droopy, wrinkled, age-spotted, pudgy person? Seriously. We don't take vows and say, "I promise to love you and forsake all others, unless your body changes and I'm not attracted to you anymore." We say forever and we're supposed to mean it. So some of this is your problem to work on...you promised to love her, so you have to find ways to rebuild your attraction to her that doesn't require her to change her body. And it's possible -- it's all about training your brain. Touch her a lot. Close your eyes and feel the softness of her skin, the curve of her hips. Focus on her pleasure and how hot it is that you bring her pleasure. Flirt a lot. A lot a lot a lot. Touch her outside the bedroom. Kiss her unexpectedly, real kisses. ACT sexy and you may find that you feel it again.

As far as honesty to her, I think you focus on kindness, not dishonestly. Next time she brings up how fat she feels, you can kindly say, "Sally, I married you forever and I will love you forever, and look, our bodies are going to change in the next few decades. Yours has changed since you had kids, and I know you're unhappy about it. If you want to focus more on fitness and doing things together that might change your body so you feel better about it, would you want my support? Like, we could lift weights together at night after the kids go to bed. Or if you want me to watch them while you go to the gym, I could do that. It hurts to see you so unhappy with yourself."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been overweight since I've had my son (4 years ago) and haven't been unable to shake the weight off. I know I'm overweight but have struggled with loosing it. Just to hear the words from my husbands mouth cut me to the core...Then he gets mad at me for being upset. He says "you call yourself fat how is that different if I say it" But it's not the same. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

You don't shake weight off and yes losing it is a struggle, but it ain't brain surgery. He's probably more upset with the fact that you have not tried to lose the weight than the weight itself. Its a bit like a husband who has been unemployed for four years, but won't get off his couch to look for a job. Its not the immediate unemployment per se that frustrates the wife, but instead the fact that he is unwilling to do anything about it.

"Gosh, my wife called me lazy last week. I mean, I've struggled to look for a job ..." blah blah blah. Sorry to sound mean, but here's an idea. Get off the computer and go for a power walk. "But I can't leave junior alone ..."? Try aerobics at home. Heck, you should have seen my Mom doing Jack LaLanne in the 70s.

+1 I think this is a perfect analogy.

It's not reasonable to expect your spouse to accept a major change in your employment or your fitness status unless you become ill or endure some other major tragedy. But if it's just normal life hassles... you kind of owe it to your spouse (and him/her to you) to bring your A game to the relationship.

I have seen several moms on Facebook have a lot of success with those beach body challenge groups (i might be getting the name slightly wrong). Maybe worth a look?

Anonymous wrote:I believe in complete honesty in marriage.
It actually helps people stay close.
You drift apart when you have too many things you can't say out loud to each other.
It may hurt in the short term to hear a (respectful) criticism coming from your spouse, but it forces you to be an emotionally stable adult in your relationship, dealing with reality instead of expecting your relationship to shield you from it.

We don't actually know how heavy the OP really is!! Was she 5'5 and 130 and now 140 and can't lose it but is perfectly healthy? Or is she 5'2 and 250lbs and the weight is truly affecting her health.

My friend is tall, thin and beautiful and her husband would start calling her fat if she gained a few pounds. That's controlling, not honest. There's a huge difference.

Anonymous wrote:I've been overweight since I've had my son (4 years ago) and haven't been unable to shake the weight off. I know I'm overweight but have struggled with loosing it. Just to hear the words from my husbands mouth cut me to the core...Then he gets mad at me for being upset. He says "you call yourself fat how is that different if I say it" But it's not the same. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

You don't shake weight off and yes losing it is a struggle, but it ain't brain surgery. He's probably more upset with the fact that you have not tried to lose the weight than the weight itself. Its a bit like a husband who has been unemployed for four years, but won't get off his couch to look for a job. Its not the immediate unemployment per se that frustrates the wife, but instead the fact that he is unwilling to do anything about it.

"Gosh, my wife called me lazy last week. I mean, I've struggled to look for a job ..." blah blah blah. Sorry to sound mean, but here's an idea. Get off the computer and go for a power walk. "But I can't leave junior alone ..."? Try aerobics at home. Heck, you should have seen my Mom doing Jack LaLanne in the 70s.