Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

I have a feeling he won't be alone on that trip...that's not natural male behavior unless there is interest somewhere else...

I'm not even going to get into the whole is he cheating debate. He's only gone some of the time. I can't imagine if he's getting any on the side while traveling that it would be enough to satisfy him when he's home. I know he's not cheating when he's home. Wouldn't he still need sex between trips? He always comes home wanting me the first day or two, then nothing for a week or more. I'm leaning toward libido issues. Maybe low t. He won't get it checked though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

I have a feeling he won't be alone on that trip...that's not natural male behavior unless there is interest somewhere else...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

I don't think you have ever been in this situation, have you? The typical pattern, repeated often it seems to me, is that the spouse who would like more sex generally speaking does ask WHY they aren't having sex, and the non-interested spouse resists conversation, and when pressed answers commonly given are some combination of "I don't know"; "It's not you, it's me"; or particular complaints that, when addressed, don't actually result in more sex -- this last scenario often repeats itself. I think you should not be so judgmental, if you haven't been on the other side of this issue, you probably don't understand how painful it can be.

Anonymous wrote:Seems to be a major theme on DCUM and in real life that in many marriages there are different sex drives. Has anyone divorced solely because of the diifferent sex drives? Or was it just a sign of a larger problem? Did you have kids?

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

I don't think you have ever been in this situation, have you? The typical pattern, repeated often it seems to me, is that the spouse who would like more sex generally speaking does ask WHY they aren't having sex, and the non-interested spouse resists conversation, and when pressed answers commonly given are some combination of "I don't know"; "It's not you, it's me"; or particular complaints that, when addressed, don't actually result in more sex -- this last scenario often repeats itself. I think you should not be so judgmental, if you haven't been on the other side of this issue, you probably don't understand how painful it can be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few frieinds who were essentially either in sexless marriages or in marriages where the wife had sex once a month or so to appease the husband. In all cases, the wives were nursing some major resentment in other areas of the marriage. I can say that my husband and I did not have sex for a one year period of time following the birth of our first child. We both work, but he does minimal housework, minimal cleaning up even after himself. Of the two, i have the more demanding job and longer hours, yet i was easily doing 80 or 90 percent of the housework. Yet, when we would quarrel about it, he would say that he was doing just as much as me, or if it was a really obvious week where he couldn't try to say that, he'd cause me of keeping score. We'd have these quarrels and i'd feel like every complaint was turned against me. So yeah, we went a year with almost no sex. It wasn't just that i was resentful, ti was that there's nothing attractive about someone treating me like that.

I wanted to share this because, to the DS upthread who is talking about the year without sex and how he's no longer interested in hearing about her life or helping her, there could be things on the other side that are causing her lack of libido. Are you a full partner? Is she resentful or feeling some injustice in your relationship? Do you put her down, or leave her to do more housework? the way you said that you see her lack of sex as a violation of her vows to you makes me think maybe you're controlling or a shamer. I mean, I don't know you, so i'm not trying to put you down or anything, but i just want to point out that it really does seem rare that when there's a lack of sex that that is the ONLY thing going on...

I will say my DH and I reconnected after that hard year. We both decided to put our all into the relationship again. He started really making an effort with doing his share and just being nicer to me. It wasn't instant libido again, but i faked it until i made it and now we're having good sex a few times a week again.

I am the PP; and I don't tell her that it a violation of our vows to shame her or to put her down - I tell her that because that is what I believe. Why take vows in a front of a church full of people ? I do not believe that sex in a marriage should be transactional. Sure, life can be hard and it is in those times that you need to nurture and nourish each other. Not keep track of who took out the garbage.

What you prescribe becomes a self perpetuating cycle of negative reinforcement. He didn't take out the garbage so I am going to withhold affection. He says well she's cold so I am not going to take her to that nice dinner or watch the kids so she can a have a night out. How's that supposed to work. Keeping score is not the answer - genuine affection is. You need to act like you are the most important things in each other' lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Huh? As a divorce attorney, let me assure you lack of a sexual connection is among the top reasons for divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We came to the very brink of divorce, but seeing my (figuratively speaking) "tail lights in the driveway" was exactly the wakeup call she needed to "find" her lost libido.
Yes, I would have gone through with it.
Life is too short for forced celibacy.

Same with me. Happened about 5 yrs ago now.
I'm happy and not happy though.
Before : Sex every few months. She would orgasm with PIV nearly every time. I'm certain they were not faked.
After : Sex 1x weekly. She's never had a PIV orgasm in 5 yrs. It now has to be oral etc. Her orgasms still turn me on, but I miss the PIV ones. It's screwed up my mind to the point of affecting my erections. I'm thinking I've been mostly getting mercy fucks.
Moral of Story : It's best if you find someone that matches your Libido from the get go.