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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You don't like her. Fine. Own it. It seems hard for you to see yourself as someone who arbitrarily dislikes another person, but that seems to be the case here.

Also, you and your parents seem to be giving his way too much airtime in your heads. Ask yourself if there is a deeper reason you are so focused on her. Is it because you just would not ever like anyone enough for your brother? [/quote]

Op here, yes. I'm giving this way too much airtime.[b] I don't know to move past the thoughts[/b].[/quote]

OP, this is where you need to  put your effort first -- on learning to disengage from such intense focus on her, on your brother, on their marriage. Do you find you have difficulty "moving past the thoughts" on other relationships or other topics? If so, you might need to consider working on that even if it means counseling for you. Not counseling about how you deal with your SIL but counseling to look at why you can't let go of focusing on something from which you know, in your logical moments, really isn't yours to obsess over. You already recognize that you are giving this whole thing too much mental real estate in your head, but you're having trouble stopping that. Unless SIL gravely hurt you in the earlier days when she was less likeable -- the issue is your own thought processes, more than her behaviors. You cannot control her behaviors (then or now) but you can take back control over how you think about all this and how much mental space you allow it to occupy. Consider whether an objective third party like a counselor could give you some short-term help with that, especially if, upon examination, you realize you might do this with other issues.

It's pretty telling when you post (I'm figuring that was you?) that you are used to liking everyone you know, at work and outside work. If this was your first experience of having a person regularly in your life whom you disliked, I can see how that would rock you, but please be aware that liking and wanting to be around everyone who is in your life is simply very, very unusual. Most of us have had to simply deal with a coworker or relative who was not likeable, not ideal, not the person we would have wished to have in our family or workplace. So take a second and be glad you have had such good relationships in your life (which is great) but then think about how you can better cope when someone isn't ideal.

You don't have to force a relationship with her or start asking her to do things all the time. Just make an effort to talk with her when you do see her. Everyone likes to be asked what they like -- what TV shows or films, what hobbies they have, why they chose their particular career, where they've enjoyed traveling, etc. If you need to talk on the surface about those things, do it, and don't force some deeper bond. If it's going to come, it needs time, and if it never comes, you will always know you and she can at least converse. And if your brother's fine with her, why shouldn't you be?

Full disclosure: I write this as a sister whose brother is on wife number five. You read that right -- five SILs over the past 30 years. Not much time or inclination to bond with them, but I've found that just being friendly and interested worked fine with them, as it would with anyone. .[/quote]

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