Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do you have your own marriage to focus on?

Yes. I totally do. I know!!!

Trust me, I'm not proud of this. I'm not meddling with their marriage. I'm just having a hard time accepting it is all.

But it's not your relationship to accept or not accept - it's your brother's life. I'm not understanding the intensity of your feelings.

OP, you sound a little . . . crazy. Your heart races when your SIL texts? What was the big thing she changed so your bizarre family would accept her? She gave up axe murdering? And you can't forget, so you're filled with terror at the thought of her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you always so judgmental? You sound obsessed or compulsive about her. Your wishes for their marriage have no basis. You need some sort of therapy to move beyond thinking that your expectations have any place on others. You say you didn't need her to change but your parents did then it should be their hang up, not yours. You say you approve of the change yet her texting makes you anxious? How is this reasonable unless she is a criminal? If she is a normal human being then you are not responding appropriately towards her. Why are you fixated on her? Why can't you just let her be who she is? Why is your brother's choice for a wife any of your business? You get to decide whether you vacation with them or not but that's about all.

I never said I didn't want her to change. I said that I thought it was wrong for my brother to ask he to change. He knew who she was when he married her. Once brother heard from my parents about it then he addressed it with his wife. I am happy she's changed but I still don't care for her and it upsets me. I've known her to be one way for many years. I'm trying.

Maybe YOU need to change?

Anonymous wrote:A few years back my brother married. We (family) weren't very fond of his choice and we were warranted in feeling the way that we did, but we knew it wasn't our business and so we didn't rock the boat. Things became strained with them both and they were headed for a divorce. Our family doesn't believe in divorce so we encouraged him to work it out. (I don't regret this) A few months later she began to change. At first I didn't think it was genuine but a year later and she's doing pretty well. Fast forward to the present...she's almost the sil I have always wanted yet I can't get pass the past. I'm embarrassed that I stress out so much when she's around. She makes my heart race when she texts me or if I hear anything about her. I'm an anxious person but this is really bad. She's not the girl that I would have wanted for my Brother. But she's not a monster. How can I get past this? Time? Does anyone have any idea? I'm feeling pretty crummy. Everyone else in the family has gotten over it and moved on. Me I'm just pretending...
We are a close family. We will be together soon for a week. I need to get it together.

I actually think you and your family sound pretty awful. Especially you. So you justified not liking her. Great for you. Your whole post is all about you and your family and what you want and what you believe. Completely insufferable. I bet you're completely narrow minded and intolerant. It's really lovely that you're being so fake to her as well. Good grief.

Newsflash: divorce isn't like the toothfairy. It's not something you can't believe in--it's out there. Perhaps one day you'll get divorced. You just don't know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't like her. Fine. Own it. It seems hard for you to see yourself as someone who arbitrarily dislikes another person, but that seems to be the case here.

Also, you and your parents seem to be giving his way too much airtime in your heads. Ask yourself if there is a deeper reason you are so focused on her. Is it because you just would not ever like anyone enough for your brother?

Op here, yes. I'm giving this way too much airtime. I don't know to move past the thoughts.

OP, this is where you need to put your effort first -- on learning to disengage from such intense focus on her, on your brother, on their marriage. Do you find you have difficulty "moving past the thoughts" on other relationships or other topics? If so, you might need to consider working on that even if it means counseling for you. Not counseling about how you deal with your SIL but counseling to look at why you can't let go of focusing on something from which you know, in your logical moments, really isn't yours to obsess over. You already recognize that you are giving this whole thing too much mental real estate in your head, but you're having trouble stopping that. Unless SIL gravely hurt you in the earlier days when she was less likeable -- the issue is your own thought processes, more than her behaviors. You cannot control her behaviors (then or now) but you can take back control over how you think about all this and how much mental space you allow it to occupy. Consider whether an objective third party like a counselor could give you some short-term help with that, especially if, upon examination, you realize you might do this with other issues.

It's pretty telling when you post (I'm figuring that was you?) that you are used to liking everyone you know, at work and outside work. If this was your first experience of having a person regularly in your life whom you disliked, I can see how that would rock you, but please be aware that liking and wanting to be around everyone who is in your life is simply very, very unusual. Most of us have had to simply deal with a coworker or relative who was not likeable, not ideal, not the person we would have wished to have in our family or workplace. So take a second and be glad you have had such good relationships in your life (which is great) but then think about how you can better cope when someone isn't ideal.

You don't have to force a relationship with her or start asking her to do things all the time. Just make an effort to talk with her when you do see her. Everyone likes to be asked what they like -- what TV shows or films, what hobbies they have, why they chose their particular career, where they've enjoyed traveling, etc. If you need to talk on the surface about those things, do it, and don't force some deeper bond. If it's going to come, it needs time, and if it never comes, you will always know you and she can at least converse. And if your brother's fine with her, why shouldn't you be?

Full disclosure: I write this as a sister whose brother is on wife number five. You read that right -- five SILs over the past 30 years. Not much time or inclination to bond with them, but I've found that just being friendly and interested worked fine with them, as it would with anyone. .

It's hard for me to imagine what this "change" is that was so important but she was apparently able to do voluntarily. There are very few changes like that I can think of that are really attainable - maybe things like getting sober, getting treated for depression or anxiety? Otherwise it is really hard to picture what this amazing change she made is that turned her into the "ideal" of a SIL for you.

So, I kind of suspect that the change is superficial - so it really did not change anything, but you can't give up having her around as the black sheep. In some family systems it is the dynamic to always have a black sheep around to focus and triangulate, bringing the others closer together. If she is no longer serving that function, it might leave you to unsure of where you fit in.

I wonder if your distress is because you realize there was really never anything wrong with her, it was just a role you needed to force on her?

This whole notion of "the family believes" is nonsense and the problem here.

Is your brother happy? If so, get over it. Be civil and friendly with your SIL and realize any other problem you have is yours and yours alone. It has nothing to do with her.

And for heaven's sake, don't live your life according to what "the family" thinks and wants.

Are you aware of all of the issues in there marriage? Because your brother may be to blame for the issues as well. It's natural for people to side with their family. Dh and I were also on the brink of divorce several years ago as a result of faults from both sides. His family initially acted funny around me, but they seem to have moved on and we get along well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I broke up for a year before we got married. His brother held it against me for a long time but I hope, 25 years later, he has forgiven me but does not completely trust me to this day. That's the kind of person he is. What he doesn't realize, or anyone for that matter, is the reason we broke up. My DH is a wonderful man but has a personal problem that is very hard to deal with. We have made it work but it is still annoying that my ILs have this idea that he is perfect and I am lucky he took me back. You should be happy for your brother and SIL that they were able to make it work.

Wow. I appreciate your perspective. Thanks. I'm in a much better place now that I was able to get it all out. Not having an outlet has been hard. All of the advice has been extremely helpful and I intend to take the advice. I'll report back in a few weeks.

I know your distance from your SIL comes from a loyalty and protectiveness of your brother. I can appreciate that because I have siblings. However, no one outside a marriage or close relationship really knows what goes on. Your SIL must value your friendship to reach out to you. Try to let the past go and trust that your brother and SIL are in a better place if that is what you see. It can only help their relationship if you and your parents accept her. It's hurtful to feel like you are never quite good enough for your ILs. Good luck, OP.

Thank you!!

I've taken a lot from this and I really appreciate hearing from everyone who responded. I intend to make a really strong attempt to move forward in my thinking with SIL and to push past this. She doesn't have a clue and I would like to keep it that way. Thank again for the feedback.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I broke up for a year before we got married. His brother held it against me for a long time but I hope, 25 years later, he has forgiven me but does not completely trust me to this day. That's the kind of person he is. What he doesn't realize, or anyone for that matter, is the reason we broke up. My DH is a wonderful man but has a personal problem that is very hard to deal with. We have made it work but it is still annoying that my ILs have this idea that he is perfect and I am lucky he took me back. You should be happy for your brother and SIL that they were able to make it work.

Wow. I appreciate your perspective. Thanks. I'm in a much better place now that I was able to get it all out. Not having an outlet has been hard. All of the advice has been extremely helpful and I intend to take the advice. I'll report back in a few weeks.

I know your distance from your SIL comes from a loyalty and protectiveness of your brother. I can appreciate that because I have siblings. However, no one outside a marriage or close relationship really knows what goes on. Your SIL must value your friendship to reach out to you. Try to let the past go and trust that your brother and SIL are in a better place if that is what you see. It can only help their relationship if you and your parents accept her. It's hurtful to feel like you are never quite good enough for your ILs. Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Are you always so judgmental? You sound obsessed or compulsive about her. Your wishes for their marriage have no basis. You need some sort of therapy to move beyond thinking that your expectations have any place on others. You say you didn't need her to change but your parents did then it should be their hang up, not yours. You say you approve of the change yet her texting makes you anxious? How is this reasonable unless she is a criminal? If she is a normal human being then you are not responding appropriately towards her. Why are you fixated on her? Why can't you just let her be who she is? Why is your brother's choice for a wife any of your business? You get to decide whether you vacation with them or not but that's about all.

I never said I didn't want her to change. I said that I thought it was wrong for my brother to ask he to change. He knew who she was when he married her. Once brother heard from my parents about it then he addressed it with his wife. I am happy she's changed but I still don't care for her and it upsets me. I've known her to be one way for many years. I'm trying.

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I broke up for a year before we got married. His brother held it against me for a long time but I hope, 25 years later, he has forgiven me but does not completely trust me to this day. That's the kind of person he is. What he doesn't realize, or anyone for that matter, is the reason we broke up. My DH is a wonderful man but has a personal problem that is very hard to deal with. We have made it work but it is still annoying that my ILs have this idea that he is perfect and I am lucky he took me back. You should be happy for your brother and SIL that they were able to make it work.

Wow. I appreciate your perspective. Thanks. I'm in a much better place now that I was able to get it all out. Not having an outlet has been hard. All of the advice has been extremely helpful and I intend to take the advice. I'll report back in a few weeks.

Why do you care, OP? Just assume your brother and his wife are grownups who can decide what makes them happy, and focus on your own life. End of story.

And what's with "our family doesn't believe in divorce?" It's one thing for your parents to say this but you are the sister -- why do you align with your parents rather than making up your own mind?

Are you always so judgmental? You sound obsessed or compulsive about her. Your wishes for their marriage have no basis. You need some sort of therapy to move beyond thinking that your expectations have any place on others. You say you didn't need her to change but your parents did then it should be their hang up, not yours. You say you approve of the change yet her texting makes you anxious? How is this reasonable unless she is a criminal? If she is a normal human being then you are not responding appropriately towards her. Why are you fixated on her? Why can't you just let her be who she is? Why is your brother's choice for a wife any of your business? You get to decide whether you vacation with them or not but that's about all.