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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I pretty much  know that you are my own DD in the future.

The thing is I am not a narcissistic mother.  My DD is overly sensitive and has severe anxiety.  My DD sees and hears almost everything in a critical way.  This has been going on since she was pretty much a toddler and she is now 11.  It's a personality trait. It can't be "fixed", it can only be managed and that management won't come until she is older and can recognize and think through situations.  My DD started seeing a therapist at age 6 and continues to see one.  The therapist helps my DD reframe situations in her mind.  It is very slowly helping but will take until adult hood likely for her to really be able to do this consistently on her own. Medication for the anxiety helps a bit but not as much as you think and it's tricky giving anxiety meds to a kid long term.

Here is an example of what my DD would say was critical.  She was about to go outside and put on black patent leather mary jane shoes. It was muddy and she planned to play in her friend's backyard.  I said in a very even, normal tone "Please change your shoes. Those won't work for the backyard because it's so muddy."  My DD looked absolutely crestfallen because she sees it as a criticism of her choice and something she has done wrong.  Neither is true and pointing that out won't help.  As a mother, seeing almost anything you say taken as criticism by your child and worrying how to best frame every single situation and every single word is absolutely emotionally draining.  It really sucks some days and yes, there are days when I lose my patience.  In fact, I had to start going to therapy because I really did believe I was a horrible person.  She is our only child but I imagine this situation when a mom has multiple kids must be even more difficult.

I think you and many other women who post on these type of threads often fail to realize that they too might actually be or had been overly sensitive and how incredibly emotionally draining it can be to deal with as a mother over the course of a childhood to young adulthood.  This is not something I would have understood myself until now that I am in the thick of it.
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PP here, and I can speak to this. I am highly sensitive, and so is my DS. I also have a mom that is BPD/NPD. I completely understand how draining it can be to have a child that falls to pieces with shame over mistakes. If you read the books that address highly sensitive kids, you will learn that they tend to go to shame first (I'm bad) rather than guilt (I did something bad). They care a lot, are very conscientious, and the shame is hard for them to bear.

Interestingly, you did not include in your story what your reaction was to the crestfallen DD, only your conclusion that nothing would help (and what a burden this is on you). Here's how I would talk about the same issue:

"My DS is so sensitive, and I recognize that he feels more, and feels it faster, than most people. It completely overwhelms him. I'm the same way, and once I get sparked, it can be very hard to calm down or re-gain perspective.[b] So instead I try to prevent him from getting overwhelmed -- predictable schedules, not too many activities, and a lot of mirroring when he starts acting out of sort[/b]s. I accept that he's not going to usually have a good reaction to a new thing (like an amusement park), even if other kids would be elated. I also talk to him about the feeling of shame when I see that he's stuck in it. It helps him to be able to get the feedback on what is going on inside him. I wish someone had done that for me, instead of labeling me as a pain in the ass."

I don't blame my mom for my sensitivity -- heck, I'm sensitive around everyone, not just her. But she used me to meet her needs and disregarded my needs when they were inconvenient -- physical, emotional, safety, etc. That's a different ballpark. Are you accepting that your sensitive daughter might need things that are different than what you need? That activities with her may have to be circumscribed more than you would otherwise want them to be? That her calibration needs to be respected and taken into account (but not martyred for)? If so, great! -- this will make the difference as to whether she ends up like all of us "women who post on these type of threads." I'm not sure that this came across in your post, though. 
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I am sure you are well meaning too and I am sure you believe that you are being helpful but the fact is I do that only a daily basis over and over and have for years.  Every single situation in our daily lives is set up for that but my DD simply can't overcome the feelings at this point and manage them.

What others are failing to understand is there is truly nothing I can say that is going to make it better.  In the situation I described, apologizing isn't helpful. Saying it again isn't helpful.  Per both therapists, I am not to apologize for making simple, direct, statements like this.  Doing so, doesn't help the situation and in some ways makes it worse because then my DD begins to feel bad that she made me feel bad because she hears me say "I am sorry " or "I apologize".

And  yes of course, I do have anxiety over this because I walk around on egg shells in an attempt to avoid hurting her.

And the therapists have both told me that this is a long road and yes, she will likely blame me for many things and feel as I was critical, mean, etc for a long time.  As an adult, the hope is she will be better able to cope because all the work being done now in therapy will have given her a foundation to build on.

I know it's very unpopular and hard to hear but I would again implore women to be honest and look back at the situations and really consider if maybe, just maybe, yes, there was some element in their own personality that made them overly sensitive.  As an adult, if you hear this from a parent, take some time and really consider it.  It might be that you were hearing things in a critical tone that simply was not there. Of course, this doesn't apply to every single woman and yes of course narcissistic mothers exist but as pointed out by a pp, it occurs far less than thought. [/quote]

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