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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I had terrible PPD.  It was the darkest, worst time of my life, and I told no one until much later because I was so tremendously ashamed and horrified and guilt-ridden over the things I was thinking and feeling. I was so, so utterly miserable, and so overwhelmed and foggy I could not see how to get myself help.  Though I felt incrementally better over time, and apparently seemed to be functioning ok to those around me, the depression lasted far beyond the first year of my child's life.  It. was. awful.

But I wasn't a bad or unfit mother because I wasn't attached to my baby. I wasn't an unfit mother because I had depression.  And neither are you.  I acted with love toward my baby by taking care of him and his needs, just as you are doing, even when I felt like I was drowning.  Do not kid yourself - you are still in the fog of that depression, even if you don't feel as bad as you once did, and that's a large part of the reason that your husband's utterly inexcusable words and attitude are paralyzing you.

You are NOT a bad mother.  And YOU HAVE WORTH, not just as a mother but also as an independent person.  Tell your counselor everything, all the ways you're feeling and all the things you're thinking that are making you feel so badly, and ask for medication.  Lean on any good and truly supportive people in your life, and ask them to help you get through this.  Ask for their help in getting to a point where you can stand on your own.  There is no shame in asking for help - it is a very good and healthy thing to do.  I wish to god I'd done it when things were so bad for me; not getting help then is probably the biggest regret of my life.

Finally: you already know this, but your husband is a piece of shit.  I know his contempt toward you is cutting you very deeply, but the contempt he's displaying is all about him, his own issues and his own self-esteem.  It has nothing to do with your abilities as a mother or your worth as a person.

I truly, truly hope that you'll ask those who love you for the help you could use right now.  I wish the best for you.[/quote]

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