OP, I had terrible PPD. It was the darkest, worst time of my life, and I told no one until much later because I was so tremendously ashamed and horrified and guilt-ridden over the things I was thinking and feeling. I was so, so utterly miserable, and so overwhelmed and foggy I could not see how to get myself help. Though I felt incrementally better over time, and apparently seemed to be functioning ok to those around me, the depression lasted far beyond the first year of my child's life. It. was. awful.

But I wasn't a bad or unfit mother because I wasn't attached to my baby. I wasn't an unfit mother because I had depression. And neither are you. I acted with love toward my baby by taking care of him and his needs, just as you are doing, even when I felt like I was drowning. Do not kid yourself - you are still in the fog of that depression, even if you don't feel as bad as you once did, and that's a large part of the reason that your husband's utterly inexcusable words and attitude are paralyzing you.

You are NOT a bad mother. And YOU HAVE WORTH, not just as a mother but also as an independent person. Tell your counselor everything, all the ways you're feeling and all the things you're thinking that are making you feel so badly, and ask for medication. Lean on any good and truly supportive people in your life, and ask them to help you get through this. Ask for their help in getting to a point where you can stand on your own. There is no shame in asking for help - it is a very good and healthy thing to do. I wish to god I'd done it when things were so bad for me; not getting help then is probably the biggest regret of my life.

Finally: you already know this, but your husband is a piece of shit. I know his contempt toward you is cutting you very deeply, but the contempt he's displaying is all about him, his own issues and his own self-esteem. It has nothing to do with your abilities as a mother or your worth as a person.

I truly, truly hope that you'll ask those who love you for the help you could use right now. I wish the best for you.

16:10 here again. OP, you need to find you. Find yourself, and your baby will benefit. Find something that is just for you. It does not have to be much, but you need to do something for yourself. When I was in the pit, it was actually losing weight. I went on weight watchers online and counted points. It seems trivial, but it was something I could do for myself that I could defend to everyone around me. It made me feel like I had power in something and was not terrible at everything (job and home). I am not saying this is for you, but maybe a 30 minute exercise video or knitting, or reading or something for just a short time that is just for you.

You need to find your own value in yourself. Others have no right to judge you. You decide what is a good parent and focus on those standards, which should be achievable and lower than what this Martha Stewart worlds tells us it should be. This is the key to seeing the rest of your existence (and the need to stay or go in your marriage) through the proper lens.

OP, where do you live so hopefully some of us other posters can make some location specific recommendations on people/ agencies that might be able to help you?

OMG, don't let him get to you! My husband used to give me such shit when we had our first child and I worked 60 hour weeks. He'd get all mad I didn't do enough around the house and walk into our once a week counseling appointment and just beat me over the head with what I wasn't doing. I once got so mad, I stormed out of counseling one night and broke her door (locking her in with DH)!.

You and your husband may have problems OP, but I guarantee your problems are not being a bad mother. You are probably a hugely overwhelmed and under appreciated mother.

first and foremost, you need to not let your husband set the expectations for what makes a good mother or a good parent. If you don't, you will always be on the defensive and always trying to please a man that seems to have significant emotional issues himself.

Next, you need to get back to the counselor with your husband and as calmly as possible set some ground rules for how you are going to treat each other. Where the heck was he when your toddler was screaming and needed Daddy to put him to bed? Perhaps Daddy needs to be a better parent. If you must, let your toddler scream in bed and walk out the door and let DH take care of it.

As for hating you, I don't know. He probably doesn't. I used to get so mad a DH, I'd mutter to myself "I hate you with the passion of a thousand white hot suns." I didn't mean it, but at that time, I was so resentful and so angry, that is how it came out. Your DH probably needs to learn more healthier ways to express his frustrations and needs to learn to appreciate you are both trying to get by as best you can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being abused. Not all abuse is physical. He is bringing you down and making you feel like you are worthless so that you actually believe that you are and submit to him and never leave. From what you are saying it sounds like he has already convinced you of it, but you have WORTH and you are a good person.

You need to contact a lawyer and get advice on how to get out. You do not want your child growing up like this, he might be too young now but eventually he will know what is happening. Don't let finances stop you!

Sorry, but I think you are wrong. Not all people have worth and not all people are good people. I took forever to bond with my baby and don't particularly taking care of a baby now, so I'm not a good person. I much prefer my old life, but that life ended the day I got pregnant. My life has no worth anymore, it's not about me.

Sweetheart, he has brainwashed you. ALL people have worth. You need to talk to someone who can help you, fast. I'm worried about you and your baby. The feelings you're having could drive you to do something dangerous, even if you think it's the right thing, the right solution.

Please, please, call someone. You are worthy. Your child is worthy. Both of you deserve help. Please go get it, if not for you, then for your child.

The above is why I say what I do. It's not that he's brainwashed me, but that no one even cares about me anymore. Even my counselor said what you did, that I need to get help for my baby. She never mentioned that I needed to be in counseling to make myself feel better. Financial adviser, same thing. Everything I do financially now revolves around my child.
"You want college paid for, right?" Same with my parents. No one, in this entire mess has ever acted concerned for me.

That is not at all what I meant, and I am so sorry if my wording caused you additional pain. The reason I focused on your child is because you seemed to be saying you don't love yourself or consider yourself worthy of help. I strongly disagree, but convincing you of that would be hard to do over the internet. Still, I assumed that no matter how you feel about yourself, you believe your child is worthy of saving, so I appealed to you on that level.

If you're willing to hear me tell you that you are worthy all on your own, then I will say that and I mean it. You ARE worthy, with or without your child. If parenting makes you unhappy, that doesn't make you awful, it just means you need help with that portion of your life.

I am a stranger, but concerned for you. I care about you, not just your kid. And I think your husband has convinced you of things that are untrue and horrible. Stop listening.

I can't afford the life my child deserves on just my salary. I never would have had a child on my just my salary.

Bleh - you've really got warped thinking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being abused. Not all abuse is physical. He is bringing you down and making you feel like you are worthless so that you actually believe that you are and submit to him and never leave. From what you are saying it sounds like he has already convinced you of it, but you have WORTH and you are a good person.

You need to contact a lawyer and get advice on how to get out. You do not want your child growing up like this, he might be too young now but eventually he will know what is happening. Don't let finances stop you!

Sorry, but I think you are wrong. Not all people have worth and not all people are good people. I took forever to bond with my baby and don't particularly taking care of a baby now, so I'm not a good person. I much prefer my old life, but that life ended the day I got pregnant. My life has no worth anymore, it's not about me.

Sweetheart, he has brainwashed you. ALL people have worth. You need to talk to someone who can help you, fast. I'm worried about you and your baby. The feelings you're having could drive you to do something dangerous, even if you think it's the right thing, the right solution.

Please, please, call someone. You are worthy. Your child is worthy. Both of you deserve help. Please go get it, if not for you, then for your child.

The above is why I say what I do. It's not that he's brainwashed me, but that no one even cares about me anymore. Even my counselor said what you did, that I need to get help for my baby. She never mentioned that I needed to be in counseling to make myself feel better. Financial adviser, same thing. Everything I do financially now revolves around my child.
"You want college paid for, right?" Same with my parents. No one, in this entire mess has ever acted concerned for me.

OP, your baby is the most vulnerable person here, so people express concern for the baby first. It doesn't mean they're not concerned about you. I understand that it may seem that way, and how that would make you feel. -Especially when your own husband is being so hurtful and inappropriate.

Tell your counselor and advisor, and whoever else is close to you, how you feel about what they're saying. You're in pain right now, and what you need is for people to empathize with *you*. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem your husband does right now, but I'm sure others empathize more than you realize. Your depression is filtering out a lot, as well as distorting a lot. This is why you need to get intensive help right away.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please get help today. You deserve to feel better.

Anonymous wrote:



I also had PPD after my first and just last night had such a rough evening that I texted my spouse it was an 'I hate my life' night and that I should have never been a parent.

I've texted mine the same thing. And instead of getting a hug when he got home, I got silence over text and then "stop complaining."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being abused. Not all abuse is physical. He is bringing you down and making you feel like you are worthless so that you actually believe that you are and submit to him and never leave. From what you are saying it sounds like he has already convinced you of it, but you have WORTH and you are a good person.

You need to contact a lawyer and get advice on how to get out. You do not want your child growing up like this, he might be too young now but eventually he will know what is happening. Don't let finances stop you!

Sorry, but I think you are wrong. Not all people have worth and not all people are good people. I took forever to bond with my baby and don't particularly taking care of a baby now, so I'm not a good person. I much prefer my old life, but that life ended the day I got pregnant. My life has no worth anymore, it's not about me.

Sweetheart, he has brainwashed you. ALL people have worth. You need to talk to someone who can help you, fast. I'm worried about you and your baby. The feelings you're having could drive you to do something dangerous, even if you think it's the right thing, the right solution.

Please, please, call someone. You are worthy. Your child is worthy. Both of you deserve help. Please go get it, if not for you, then for your child.

The above is why I say what I do. It's not that he's brainwashed me, but that no one even cares about me anymore. Even my counselor said what you did, that I need to get help for my baby. She never mentioned that I needed to be in counseling to make myself feel better. Financial adviser, same thing. Everything I do financially now revolves around my child.
"You want college paid for, right?" Same with my parents. No one, in this entire mess has ever acted concerned for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being abused. Not all abuse is physical. He is bringing you down and making you feel like you are worthless so that you actually believe that you are and submit to him and never leave. From what you are saying it sounds like he has already convinced you of it, but you have WORTH and you are a good person.

You need to contact a lawyer and get advice on how to get out. You do not want your child growing up like this, he might be too young now but eventually he will know what is happening. Don't let finances stop you!

Sorry, but I think you are wrong. Not all people have worth and not all people are good people. I took forever to bond with my baby and don't particularly taking care of a baby now, so I'm not a good person. I much prefer my old life, but that life ended the day I got pregnant. My life has no worth anymore, it's not about me.

To the immediate PP: this is depression talking, please get help. NONE of what you stated makes you a bad or worthless person. Many, many women don't bond instantly with their children (especially when suffering from PPD which interferes with bonding), and many people don't particularly care for childrearing. While ultimately rewarding, parenting is a lot of hard work, much of which is simply not objectively enjoyable.

You have worth, your life has worth. And while you may be in the thick of the 'all about the baby' years, in a few more years there will be more space in your life for you as an individual.

I am a great Mom. People have said so, my kids tell me so (they say they want to be Moms when they grow up to be like me), and I believe it.

I also had PPD after my first and just last night had such a rough evening that I texted my spouse it was an 'I hate my life' night and that I should have never been a parent.

There is a light at the end of your tunnel. Please keep going and ask for help until you can see it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being abused. Not all abuse is physical. He is bringing you down and making you feel like you are worthless so that you actually believe that you are and submit to him and never leave. From what you are saying it sounds like he has already convinced you of it, but you have WORTH and you are a good person.

You need to contact a lawyer and get advice on how to get out. You do not want your child growing up like this, he might be too young now but eventually he will know what is happening. Don't let finances stop you!

Sorry, but I think you are wrong. Not all people have worth and not all people are good people. I took forever to bond with my baby and don't particularly taking care of a baby now, so I'm not a good person. I much prefer my old life, but that life ended the day I got pregnant. My life has no worth anymore, it's not about me.

Sweetheart, he has brainwashed you. ALL people have worth. You need to talk to someone who can help you, fast. I'm worried about you and your baby. The feelings you're having could drive you to do something dangerous, even if you think it's the right thing, the right solution.

Please, please, call someone. You are worthy. Your child is worthy. Both of you deserve help. Please go get it, if not for you, then for your child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP you need to make a plan, be a grown up, stop letting that jerk victimize you and leave with your kid. Be open to co-parenting and all that jazz. Don't do the sole custody thing -- it won't work and will only make the jerk dig his heels in more for custody rights he isn't going to use anyway.
.

He told me if I leave him, he's filing for sole custody, claiming I'm an unfit mother and a danger to our child. I believe him, and I think he'd win it. I can't afford child support.

He is an abuser
He will not win
Start journaling everything he says and does
he is crazy
I would not want anyone like that around my kid

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being abused. Not all abuse is physical. He is bringing you down and making you feel like you are worthless so that you actually believe that you are and submit to him and never leave. From what you are saying it sounds like he has already convinced you of it, but you have WORTH and you are a good person.

You need to contact a lawyer and get advice on how to get out. You do not want your child growing up like this, he might be too young now but eventually he will know what is happening. Don't let finances stop you!

Sorry, but I think you are wrong. Not all people have worth and not all people are good people. I took forever to bond with my baby and don't particularly taking care of a baby now, so I'm not a good person. I much prefer my old life, but that life ended the day I got pregnant. My life has no worth anymore, it's not about me.

OP you are being abused. Not all abuse is physical. He is bringing you down and making you feel like you are worthless so that you actually believe that you are and submit to him and never leave. From what you are saying it sounds like he has already convinced you of it, but you have WORTH and you are a good person.

You need to contact a lawyer and get advice on how to get out. You do not want your child growing up like this, he might be too young now but eventually he will know what is happening. Don't let finances stop you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I believe him, and I think he'd win it


OP, you have indicated that you believe that you are a bad mother. Its clear that your husband is saying this to you, but aside from that, what evidence do you have to support this idea? It is VERY hard to prove that a parent is unfit--

do you hit the child?
do you ignore the child when child is hungry/wet?
can you describe incidents that you feel demonstrate you are an unfit mother? do you have drug or alcohol issues? criminal record?

Because if not, I think you've somehow come to believe your husband's hateful words

I would see a lawyer asap. Women's center, whatever. you need to get out.

It sounds like he's the one who needs to get out.

PP, you sound disturbed. I hope you'll stop posting these vicious comments in response to this clearly-vulnerable OP.

I think the PP who made the comment "he needs to get out" meant that he is the one who should be leaving the home, not OP. I believe it was meant in support of OP>

Oh, yes, I think you're right. Sorry, I misread that.