Reply to How to Convince my Husband to go for a third

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You know what would be helpful here? Is if anyone had advice, not criticisms, about how to deal with my desires, and the resulting disappointment and how to swallow my needs.  No one has addressed that this is a real desire.  Actually, two or three people have and I thank you. But for the other people that just think I should walk away, its not that simple. I need a way to deal with the disappointment and the fact that my husband closed the door, if that happens,  without any debate. I'll need a way to not resent him for this and to not let it affect our marriage.  [/quote]

[quote=Anonymous]. . . I don't see children just as a time sap, energy sap, finance sap. I think having a family is what life is all about and [b]I see having a third, IF, IF we BOTH agreed to it, as something that would be good for all of us in the end[/b]. But I'm not going to do it alone or make my husband miserable in the process, I just wanted to hear any thoughts. [/quote]

NP here.  The truth, though, is that you and your husband don't agree.  Convincing your husband to give in may not, in the end, mean he actually agrees.  It may simply mean he's given in to your pressure.  And though I agree with you that children are not just a "time sap, energy sap, finance sap," it's another truth that of course more children require more time, more energy, and more money.  How can they not?  Three college educations cost more than two.  Three of everything cost more than two of everything.  Denying that truth won't make it easier for your husband to believe that you really appreciate his concerns.

I understand that you have a lot of emotions about this.  I've been there; I want another and my husband doesn't.  You say you'd like advice about how to deal with your feelings and needs and not let your resentment affect your marriage.  First of all, do realize that the resentment runs both ways.  If you pressure your husband and he finally knuckles under and agrees to a third, he may feel major resentment and he may act it out in one way or another.  Second, realize that feelings and desires are not needs.  You're casting your desire to have a third as a need, but it's really a want.  Seeing it clearly for what it is may make the whole process easier for you.

Finally, consider seeing a couples therapist who can help the two of you work through this and arrive at an agreement together.  You will need to fully listen to and understand each other, and a good therapist can help you do that.  You might also see a therapist on your own to help you process the feelings involved in this for you.  And you might want to consider what's creating the sense of urgency you seem to feel about this.  Is it your age?  If not, what's creating the urgency and energy around this right now?

Good luck with this process, OP.[/quote]

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