Reply to What's better for the kids - bad marriage or divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Every day you vow not to subject them to your fighting?

Why don't you just stop arguing, period?[/quote]

NP, but this is hard. We seem to operate on two separate sets of experiences. His growing up vs. my growing up. What he remembers of of his time with DD vs. what I remember. We don't have the same experiences at all.  Our reactions, our parenting is totally different. So, little things become fights in front of DD, because we each challenge the way the other reacts to DD at every turn.  Every moment. Every nap.[/quote]

Of course it's hard, but so what?! LIFE is hard. You don't get to opt out of things simply because they are "hard." (What kind of terrible example is THAT to set for your kids?

You have written an excellent description here of the dynamic that goes on between many, many, many (most if not all) couples when they first have kids. You are bringing to your parenting all of the baggage of your own growing up experiences -- that's what you know, good or bad and the familiar seems what is right. Anything else is "wrong." This affects issues from the reasonable to the ridiculous ("what do you mean, Santa wraps gifts?? No he does NOT! In my house growing up, Santa did not wrap his gifts and that's the way it should be for our kids!") The real problem is that you are letting everything turn into a power play because --- out of deep insecurity -- you both desperately need to be proved "right."

The best solution DH and I found was to simply split up the tasks. He got to make some decisions and I supported them, whether I agreed or not. Same with me and what I got to decide on. The important thing is to present a united front to your kids. Make a list of everything you are arguing over now -- baths, naps, eating, clothes she's wearing, whether or not to cry it out, etc etc. There will be many now, and the list will constantly change as she grows up. Then be honest -- which things are really important to you, and which are more important to DH? My kids are older, but to me, what is important is that they say please/ thank you, wear what I consider to be appropriate clothing, that they write thank you notes, that they have some religious training and that they eat a nutritious diet. DH cares more about structured time for schoolwork, how sports and extra curricular activities are determined, etc.  You get the picture. He makes his decisions and I make mine but then we agree to SUPPORT, not criticize each other, even when a decision turns out to be the wrong one.
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+1 to this advice.  I especially had to laugh at whether Santa wraps gifts but so true how parenting things becomes this shrine to how you were raised and an attack against something you feel your parents did well feels like an attack against you.  Then once you feel like you and your parents and grandparents have been attacked on your way of doing things and/or you feel like you aren't being valued and your opinions mean nothing in raising your child ....

I grew up with exactly that type of fighting with my parents.  What I realized was that BOTH my parents had good points and I would have had a better childhood and my parents would have had a better marriage if they took time to appreciate each other and realize that our lives would have been enhanced by both points of view, not just one and certainly not with all the arguing.  In the case of the PP, their kids are growing up with manners, religious education, learning proper nutrition, being able to be organized with school work, getting regular physical activity and learning teamwork/leadership thru sports ...It would have been a lot of work for one parent to be point on all of those things, would not have happened if they felt the need to argue about everything, makes both parents feel like they are contributing something important to the upbringing of their children and are valued, and I think long term is better for the kids than if only one parent was giving input.  When you get married, at least when I did, I felt the sum of us together was better than the separate parts.  That same attitude needs to be extended to raising kids together.[/quote]

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