Reply to My therapist thinks I need a divorce, and I would rather kill myself than be alone again.

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Reply to "My therapist thinks I need a divorce, and I would rather kill myself than be alone again."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The title of your email refers to killing yourself...and you are actively trying to conceive?!?![/quote]

I would never kill myself - I have too much to live for; I am very fortunate in many ways - I just feel a lot of despair at the moment and feel sometimes that I would like a break from waking up in the morning. I have a wonderful family and couldn't harm them by harming myself.

I spoke with my husband (as I have in the past) and he feels terrible - he's really beating himself up. He wants to go to counseling with me, and also on his own. To be clear - his anger is almost never directed at me, I'm just caught in the crossfire when he loses his shit about other things.

I have been medicated for depression in the past and[b] I really don't like the way it makes me feel. I usually do a good job of managing my mental state by getting exercise and sunshine and generally being kind to myself[/b]. The PP who said it was situational and caused more by my marital strife than losing my baby is probably right. I'm not ready to give up on the marriage.[/quote]

The thing is, what you're currently doing isn't enough to manage this depression.  It may have worked in the past but it's not working now.  Your post screams of someone struggling with a major depressive episode, not situational.  I've taken a number of different anti-depressants and understand how much the side effects can suck. That's why you need to work with a psychiatrist skilled in managing depression.

[/quote]

This. You didn't like how medication made you feel in the past, but you don't like how you feel now. Talk about different meds to your counselor or your regular doctor if you don't have a psychiatrist lined up already. Taking the edge off the depression can give you the mental space to work on your marriage.  it sounds like your husband is willing. Good luck![/quote]

I'm the PP who suggested that your depression was a situational reaction to the emotional abuse.  When I said that, I didn't mean to imply that medication was excluded as part of the solution to your problem.  Situations can spin us into a depression from which it will be easier to recover with the help of medication.  Medication may be enough to get you out of rumination that you have about how you can't have a family any other way than with this guy.  I second the suggestion to at least discuss meds - but  with a psychiatrist who deals with a high volume of mood disordered patients.  I don't think it's worth talking with a counselor or regular doctor.  Frankly, a counselor will typically not know meds well nor which to suggest based on your past experience/usage.  A regular doctor simply doesn't have the depth of experience with a wide enough range of mood disordered patients to treat someone who has had multiple depressive episodes.  Please don't let "I didn't like the way I felt," be the excuse not to try again.  Different meds can make different people feel differently.  Sometimes you have to try a couple.  Sometimes you have to try something for a couple of weeks before your body settles into it.  Also, if you're trying to get pregnant, you really should have a psychiatrist managing your meds.

What I WAS trying to suggest is that medication is not going to make you happy with a guy who abuses you emotionally or verbally.  You have to fix that situation if you want to be truly happy.  And, IME, the only person who can "fix" an abuser is an abuser.  Thus, my previous advice to reconsider leaving and reconsider your ideals about how to create a family.  [/quote]

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