Anonymous wrote:OP here - I am actually quite ambivalent about motherhood. I'm well aware of the strain it will put on my life and my marriage, and I'm not terribly psyched about that. But I feel that I will regret it deeply if I never have kids.

Is that crazy?

Seems pretty crazy to have a kid you don't want just because you might regret it one day. It's going to be pretty easy when you're much older to look back and think about how great it could have been, but that's just a fantasy. The reality of having a child is that it is hard work and definitely not for everyone. There are lots of unwanted kids in this world. Don't bring another one into it. It's really unfair for people who don't want kids to have them anyway. Kids are not toys.

OP - that's different. Personally, I think it's better to not have kids and regret not having them than to have kids and regret having them.

I think a lot of us have kids because we feel like we should, like it's something expected of us, especially women. We need to break free of that and only do things because we really want them, not because we might feel weird about not doing them.

Kids can bring a lot of joy, but they might actually bring more joy for you in a role other than mother. You could be the awesome aunt. (or pseudo aunt.) A lot of kids could use another person who isn't their parent to be a good adult sounding board. You could get involved with a youth organization. You could do a weekend foster program or tutor kids. That might make your life feel more full without the full-on 100% commitment that having your own kids would require.

Anonymous wrote:this world is not built for single people

False. This world is what you make it, childless, single or not.

OP here - I am actually quite ambivalent about motherhood. I'm well aware of the strain it will put on my life and my marriage, and I'm not terribly psyched about that. But I feel that I will regret it deeply if I never have kids.

Is that crazy?

16:27 here - one last thing. I know a lot of women who are unhappy because they wanted kids and haven't been able (for whatever reason) to have them. But having a baby isn't a great solution to unhappiness because it fills one hole, while creating holes to fill elsewhere. Your once awesome career becomes more stressful because work-life balance can be really hard to achieve. Your marriage takes a downturn because you're both too tired to be nice about issues that you can normally push under the rug. Your health/body will be harder to maintain, and for a lot of women, that can be really hard. You may not have time for hobbies that currently give you joy. Your friendships may get strained if your friends ARE in the same place you are (and nobody has time to hang out) or if they AREN'T in the same place you are (if they don't get what you're going through.

So you'll have one problem solved, but you'll create deficits in about 4 other areas, and you may find yourself less happy and you'll feel weird about it, because having a baby was supposed to make you happy, right? And does that mean you don't love your kid enough? (it doesn't.)

OP - Deal with the depression first, please. All of your decisions may look a bit different when you come out on the other side. Heal yourself emotionally.

I'm a single mom - never married, got pregnant while in a relationship, lost the relationship due to the pregnancy, but decided to stay pregnant because of my age - I knew I'd likely never have another shot at motherhood without putting a lot of time pressure on myself to settle down.

It is not terrible. It can be stressful, and there would definitely be more money if we weren't running two households. But my ex is a pretty good father and we do a good job of co-parenting. Our child is happy and well-adjusted and a joy to both families.

Even without the kid, I'd still rather be single than be with someone who wasn't a great fit. Yes, it's tough out there. Yes, I sometimes go years without a date. But I have lots of friends and a busy life, and much of the time, I don't dwell on my singlehood.

From what you way about your husband, he probably won't be a good father. If he's abusive now, imagine him more stressed and more sleep-deprived - you'd be knowingly bringing a baby into that. You have a few options that do not involve him, and you might want to research them, but don't act on them until you've got the depression kicked. Please.

Having a kid is NOT going to solve your problems. It's only going to make your problems a LOT worse. Please do not have a kid with someone you don't want to be with. And please do not use having a kid as a way to try and become happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The title of your email refers to killing yourself...and you are actively trying to conceive?!?!

I would never kill myself - I have too much to live for; I am very fortunate in many ways - I just feel a lot of despair at the moment and feel sometimes that I would like a break from waking up in the morning. I have a wonderful family and couldn't harm them by harming myself.

I spoke with my husband (as I have in the past) and he feels terrible - he's really beating himself up. He wants to go to counseling with me, and also on his own. To be clear - his anger is almost never directed at me, I'm just caught in the crossfire when he loses his shit about other things.

I have been medicated for depression in the past and I really don't like the way it makes me feel. I usually do a good job of managing my mental state by getting exercise and sunshine and generally being kind to myself. The PP who said it was situational and caused more by my marital strife than losing my baby is probably right. I'm not ready to give up on the marriage.

The thing is, what you're currently doing isn't enough to manage this depression. It may have worked in the past but it's not working now. Your post screams of someone struggling with a major depressive episode, not situational. I've taken a number of different anti-depressants and understand how much the side effects can suck. That's why you need to work with a psychiatrist skilled in managing depression.

This. You didn't like how medication made you feel in the past, but you don't like how you feel now. Talk about different meds to your counselor or your regular doctor if you don't have a psychiatrist lined up already. Taking the edge off the depression can give you the mental space to work on your marriage. it sounds like your husband is willing. Good luck!

I'm the PP who suggested that your depression was a situational reaction to the emotional abuse. When I said that, I didn't mean to imply that medication was excluded as part of the solution to your problem. Situations can spin us into a depression from which it will be easier to recover with the help of medication. Medication may be enough to get you out of rumination that you have about how you can't have a family any other way than with this guy. I second the suggestion to at least discuss meds - but with a psychiatrist who deals with a high volume of mood disordered patients. I don't think it's worth talking with a counselor or regular doctor. Frankly, a counselor will typically not know meds well nor which to suggest based on your past experience/usage. A regular doctor simply doesn't have the depth of experience with a wide enough range of mood disordered patients to treat someone who has had multiple depressive episodes. Please don't let "I didn't like the way I felt," be the excuse not to try again. Different meds can make different people feel differently. Sometimes you have to try a couple. Sometimes you have to try something for a couple of weeks before your body settles into it. Also, if you're trying to get pregnant, you really should have a psychiatrist managing your meds.

What I WAS trying to suggest is that medication is not going to make you happy with a guy who abuses you emotionally or verbally. You have to fix that situation if you want to be truly happy. And, IME, the only person who can "fix" an abuser is an abuser. Thus, my previous advice to reconsider leaving and reconsider your ideals about how to create a family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get another therapist who respects and understands the importance of marriage

This is true. Seems like most therapists push divorce or are very quick to jump to divorce as the option. This is why I don't want to pay a stranger to tell me how to run my life. Makes very little sense.

Your comment makes very little sense. You should've actually read the thread.

Anonymous wrote:Get another therapist who respects and understands the importance of marriage

This is true. Seems like most therapists push divorce or are very quick to jump to divorce as the option. This is why I don't want to pay a stranger to tell me how to run my life. Makes very little sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The title of your email refers to killing yourself...and you are actively trying to conceive?!?!

I would never kill myself - I have too much to live for; I am very fortunate in many ways - I just feel a lot of despair at the moment and feel sometimes that I would like a break from waking up in the morning. I have a wonderful family and couldn't harm them by harming myself.

I spoke with my husband (as I have in the past) and he feels terrible - he's really beating himself up. He wants to go to counseling with me, and also on his own. To be clear - his anger is almost never directed at me, I'm just caught in the crossfire when he loses his shit about other things.

I have been medicated for depression in the past and I really don't like the way it makes me feel. I usually do a good job of managing my mental state by getting exercise and sunshine and generally being kind to myself. The PP who said it was situational and caused more by my marital strife than losing my baby is probably right. I'm not ready to give up on the marriage.

The thing is, what you're currently doing isn't enough to manage this depression. It may have worked in the past but it's not working now. Your post screams of someone struggling with a major depressive episode, not situational. I've taken a number of different anti-depressants and understand how much the side effects can suck. That's why you need to work with a psychiatrist skilled in managing depression.

This. You didn't like how medication made you feel in the past, but you don't like how you feel now. Talk about different meds to your counselor or your regular doctor if you don't have a psychiatrist lined up already. Taking the edge off the depression can give you the mental space to work on your marriage. it sounds like your husband is willing. Good luck!

OP, don't single night it with someone and don't become a single mom, not now. It is a lot of work and you have some grieving and some healing to do.

I am alone and so lonely right now. I understand why you feel you don't want to leave a bad marriage. But the truth is, you probably feel as lonely and alone with him as you would without.

I'd say, you both need therapy, individually and alone. And go from there. Many many hugs.

Op I'm in a similar situation to you except I've been told I need ivf to conceive. I can't imagine my life without a child so I've decided to push ahead in this with my husband even though things haven't been the best between us. He's not abusive though... just has trouble telling the truth but I still think he's a good person in general. Anyway I figured that maybe we'll stay together... maybe not. If not then having some sort of father figure with child support would be a better situation for the child than if I went a donor sperm route (paying for ivf on my own) and had no father involvement and no child support.

OP, have you considered having a one night stand with a guy you find to be attractive, and then raising the child as a single mother? It's what I would do in your situation. I'm sorry you are in it but this is an option you have...


And you are an idiot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered having a one night stand with a guy you find to be attractive, and then raising the child as a single mother? It's what I would do in your situation. I'm sorry you are in it but this is an option you have...

I wouldn't choose to be a single mom. I'm just not that brave, and also I don't make a lot of money.

Ok, sorry to hear that. You might be more capable than you realize.