Reply to My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there

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[quote=Cassiopeia][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, respectfully, even before the last outrageous story, it was clear you are avoiding the obvious.  Your marriage is over.  I'd give up fighting, just let your DH act out until you are prepared to pull the plug and use this time to plan your divorce, i.e. counselor, find job, see lawyer, etc.[/quote]

Yes, it is hanging on its very last, thin, fraying thread.  Its just very hard for me to reconcile what I will have to see my boys go through.  They are always asking where he is and love spending time with him when he is home.  And my husband never behaved like this up until the last year.  He was an ever-attentive father and probably gave too much of himself.  We are not fighting.  He just says he feels numb.  Feels nothing.

I guess I was just hoping it was midlife crisis crap and he would realize before its too late. :([/quote]

Oh Op, I just read the rest of the story. I agree, this is beyond a midlife crisis. I don't know if he's a narcissist or depressed but either way, if he doesn't see a problem and doesn't want to change there's nothing you or anyone can do to make him change.

It is really hard to let go of the dream of a happy united family. I know because I've had to do it. Unfortunately no matter how much you want your husband to be a good dad you can't force him to do it. And it's hell watching my kids grow up with an asshole dad, knowing that I tried everything to prevent this exact scenario.

But I'll tell you, it has inspired me to be a better mom. I have to be a good mom and undo the damage he does. It's not easy but it's possible. Also, I don't think kids necessarily need a male role model. I used to think that, but now I think what they need is to watch one parent deal with adversity in life and make it.

This I think is how your sons will see you. They'll be proud of their strong, resilient mom who raised them alone and worked her butt off to feed them. They'll hate their asshole dad who left her and them to fend for themselves. No, it's not the happy wholesome story we all want for our kids, but it's a story of strength and resilience. They'll know that women are strong, that women can survive without a man. They'll know what it feels like when your dad takes off for stupid reasons and they'll never do that to their kids.

And you will make it. I love that you keep saying that, it gives me hope for myself too. I read a story once of a woman in the 1960s who had been a SAHM and woke up one morning to a note from her husband saying he was leaving with his secretary and he hoped she and the kids would be okay. She found work as a real estate agent and eventually became a millionaire. She said she succeeded because she had to; she had no choice.

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