Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 09:59     Subject: My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guarantee he won't find his soul-mate.


Someone sounds bitter


Actually the therapist said that because he has so much work to do on himself. Why do you self-righteous people come on here to post only ugly messages. Don't you have better things to do with your time? Says so much about you that you took the time to make this post.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 09:30     Subject: My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
sound like Mark Sanford.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 09:26     Subject: My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:I guarantee he won't find his soul-mate.


Someone sounds bitter
Cassiopeia
Post 10/16/2014 09:19     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, respectfully, even before the last outrageous story, it was clear you are avoiding the obvious. Your marriage is over. I'd give up fighting, just let your DH act out until you are prepared to pull the plug and use this time to plan your divorce, i.e. counselor, find job, see lawyer, etc.


Yes, it is hanging on its very last, thin, fraying thread. Its just very hard for me to reconcile what I will have to see my boys go through. They are always asking where he is and love spending time with him when he is home. And my husband never behaved like this up until the last year. He was an ever-attentive father and probably gave too much of himself. We are not fighting. He just says he feels numb. Feels nothing.

I guess I was just hoping it was midlife crisis crap and he would realize before its too late.


Oh Op, I just read the rest of the story. I agree, this is beyond a midlife crisis. I don't know if he's a narcissist or depressed but either way, if he doesn't see a problem and doesn't want to change there's nothing you or anyone can do to make him change.

It is really hard to let go of the dream of a happy united family. I know because I've had to do it. Unfortunately no matter how much you want your husband to be a good dad you can't force him to do it. And it's hell watching my kids grow up with an asshole dad, knowing that I tried everything to prevent this exact scenario.

But I'll tell you, it has inspired me to be a better mom. I have to be a good mom and undo the damage he does. It's not easy but it's possible. Also, I don't think kids necessarily need a male role model. I used to think that, but now I think what they need is to watch one parent deal with adversity in life and make it.

This I think is how your sons will see you. They'll be proud of their strong, resilient mom who raised them alone and worked her butt off to feed them. They'll hate their asshole dad who left her and them to fend for themselves. No, it's not the happy wholesome story we all want for our kids, but it's a story of strength and resilience. They'll know that women are strong, that women can survive without a man. They'll know what it feels like when your dad takes off for stupid reasons and they'll never do that to their kids.

And you will make it. I love that you keep saying that, it gives me hope for myself too. I read a story once of a woman in the 1960s who had been a SAHM and woke up one morning to a note from her husband saying he was leaving with his secretary and he hoped she and the kids would be okay. She found work as a real estate agent and eventually became a millionaire. She said she succeeded because she had to; she had no choice.


Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 09:13     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
On the kids thing, a man who would consider moving abroad and never seeing his kids, with sending home child support being enough, isn't someone who's going to hurt his children by leaving. He's someone who is already hurting his children because of how checked out he already is. It sounds like he's introduced a tremendous amount of instability into their lives with all of his comings and goings, and you've been complicit in that by allowing him to keep coming back. If you really want to do right by your kids, I would divorce him so you can ensure that whatever he does, your children will always have one stable, dependable home to come to.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:55     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
I'm so so sorry. My FIL does this. He is now on marriage number 5. (Although he waits to leave his marriage until he has located the new wife-- not clear if your husband thinks he has found his 'soul mate'.) He has left a path of destruction and has not found fulfillment.

After seeing that he has already had an affair, I don't think there is much hope.
Are you part of a church? Does anyone exercise any authority over your DH?
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:48     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. This happened to me to. But my husband stayed. Then left in a storm for a month. Then came back. Fast forward three years and we are separated and I have the three young kids, a job, and while I'm sad that he couldn't man up and deal with real life, I'm much happier. And the kids are much happier. Our relationship went from all you described, to a high-conflict war zone, mostly because I refused to give up and desperately tried to hold our family together. Now that I've given his problems back to him, and let him go, it's hard, but better. And he is unemployed, couch surfing, and sees the kids, but has lost so much. He still feels like he will find his magic perfect life out there. Good luck, and I would advise getting your affairs in order. You can do it.


Ok I needed to hear this, thank you. This is me, exactly. DH has actually left several times and came back in the last year. Typing this out makes me seem pathetic. Why do I keep trying to get him to come back? A major part of the story I left out is this:

He cheated on me a year ago with a foreign woman he met online who I believe just wanted a green card. She said she loved him and moved her and her 5 year old kid to the US before even meeting him, based on promises he made her in emails. He then left me for her and moved in with her in a huge home that he couldn't pay for (she paid for everything). Their plan was to try and take the three kids away from me and live as a big happy blended family (yeah right). He met her for the first time and was living with her and tied to a legal rental contract with her within 1 month (she has no credit score in the US so it all had to go in his name). Then he came back two months later and said the whole thing was too much work. He also didn't like her kid. But now he is still trying to leave so I guess he didn't learn anything from that.

This even caused a much bigger rift in our marriage and so it hasn't gotten much better since reconciling.


The marriage is hopeless. Plan your exit strategy now.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:25     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
I am so sorry.

He sounds like an asshat.

I would do the '180"--stop trying to get him to stay. It won't work and it fuels his sense of power, that he has choices in the world that you are keeping him from.

Let him live on his own to pursue his soulmate. BUT, make sure that he's paying child support and do your utmost to require that he also participate /have some custody.

he might find being a separated dad of 3 makes it a little harder to find his perfect soulmate. Maybe he will wise up, although it sounds to me like you're better off without him unless he truly grows up.

get your skills in order and prepare to return to the work force. It may not make financial sense now, but it will when your kids are older.

Talk to a lawyer about his desire to move abroad and just "send money' home.

yes, it is sad that your boys won't have a man around (at least not their bio dad) but really, is he any kind of role model?

stay strong, you CAN get through this.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:23     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband did the same thing. I finally asked him to go ... leave... find his perfect life.

I did the 180 (google it).

He came back 2 months later and recommitted to the marriage but I have never really forgiven him for his selfishness.


Googled 180. Is it the movie?


Here is the a link.

http://affaircare.com/the-180/

Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:16     Subject: My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:Get a court order to cease his assets and confiscate his passport[/quote]WTH. she can't stop him from leaving the country.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:14     Subject: My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:OP....I'm sorry to say, he completely sounds like a narcissist. I'm sure you can draw this whole marriage charade out a tinly bit longer, but the writing is on the wall. Better get planning. If he is a narcissist, then there's no hope for help. These people are black holes of human misery...ruining everything they touch.

I feel horribly sorry for your boys. I hope there is some other male in their life that can show them how to grow up and be a man.

And for Gods sake...why in the hell is anyone a SAHM??? I watched my mom go through the exact same thing with 3 kids. It was awful. She had no earining potential and was really fucked as the primary care giver.


+1 this was my first thought when I saw the title as an obsessive desire to find or the belief in one true love or soulmate is actually one of the traits of NPD.

Sorry, op.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:12     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband did the same thing. I finally asked him to go ... leave... find his perfect life.

I did the 180 (google it).

He came back 2 months later and recommitted to the marriage but I have never really forgiven him for his selfishness.


Googled 180. Is it the movie?


You can read all about it on www.survivinginfidelity.com.
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:08     Subject: My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Get a court order to cease his assets and confiscate his passport
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 08:04     Subject: My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Sounds MORE than a mid-life crisis to me. I am sorry, OP. Wish I had advice. Good luck...
Anonymous
Post 10/16/2014 07:58     Subject: Re:My husband thinks his "soulmate" is somewhere out there
Anonymous wrote:My husband did the same thing. I finally asked him to go ... leave... find his perfect life.

I did the 180 (google it).

He came back 2 months later and recommitted to the marriage but I have never really forgiven him for his selfishness.


Googled 180. Is it the movie?