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[quote=Anonymous]I'm sure anyone would say it, so you probably won't believe me anyway, but the last thing I am is controlling. I'm feeling defensive because I feel attacked. Some were trying to be helpful, yes, and I acknowledged and thanked them for that. The majority were either telling me how sorry they felt for my husband, that I shouldn't be trying to change him, saying I'm a bitch or posting their negative comments about me in third person as if I wasn't here. If it's coming off wrong I'm not sure how to put it differently, I've tried to be as clear and forthcoming as possible. I realize I am who I am and he is who he is but that's not the issue. People seem bent on believing that I'm trying to change him into someone he isn't and that just is not the case. I said before that he is the one that said it was there but wasn't quite comfortable letting it out. If two years went by then obviously I wasn't forcing the issue. I talked with him when he was willing to talk and we discussed things, mainly (but not solely) him wanting to say or do things that were in his head but being afraid he'd offend me or make me feel disrespected. When that one in particular came up I just told him I wouldn't feel that way b/c that's what I like. I left it at that & eventually he started participating b/c he became comfortable. I didn't "coach" him into it. He said it was there, when I wasn't seeing it I asked him about it, and that's all it was. I came here simply asking for some insight as to why he'd have suddenly changed, that's it. I didn't ask how I could make it go back or ask for any advice of that nature. So when people were getting hostile (and if you read all the posts idk how you could disagree that the majority weren't) and telling me not to try to change him or I knew he was like that when we got married (he wasn't) I felt defensive and figured that something must not have been clear enough, so I tried to explain it better. As for my "long winded" posts - you're right. They are long winded and the reason is/was that I was trying my best to explain what the situation is since the responses from people weren't addressing the issue I'd posted about but rather an assumed belief that I was acting in a way I'm not, or doing things im not doing. I kept trying b/c I was looking for some help on an idea of why it went backward all of a sudden. I don't know how to make it clearer than I already have. I don't expect him to be someone he isn't. He put it out there, he took his time (which I was patient about) and loosened up when he was ready. In regard to the lengths I went to in order to show I'm reasonable, it was b/c people were acting as though I weren't. And my baby is 3mo. It's not like I had him last week, and we aren't talking about anything that would be inappropriate with a baby in the house. I said in my OP that it was dirty talk and fantasizing, not hosting swinger parties or anything so I don't see what the issue is there either... I'm probably just spinning my wheels here, but I need some kind of insight that's relevant to the issue. I'm trying to find another way to approach him since clearly something caused a change and I don't know what it was. It's been a few months since I said anything to him about it, and wanted to find a different approach before I talked to him again because obviously my current one isn't helping him talk. He'll talk in his own time I understand, but he won't start a conversation b/c he says he doesn't know how to. So I ask him about it every so often & he doesn't talk and I'll drop it, but maybe the way I'm approaching him should be different? Maybe he wants to talk but it's hard for him b/c he's not sure how to respond. A PP suggested asking how I can help vs. "what happened" and that's a great example of what I was asking for here. If he just doesn't want to talk yet that's fine. I just don't want to be a hindrance. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want things to go back to how they were, but if you look at my posts, that's not why I came here or what I was asking for. Sorry for another long winded post. I don't mean that snarky either. I really need help with this & I'm just trying to find it. [/quote]

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