I'm sure anyone would say it, so you probably won't believe me anyway, but the last thing I am is controlling. I'm feeling defensive because I feel attacked. Some were trying to be helpful, yes, and I acknowledged and thanked them for that. The majority were either telling me how sorry they felt for my husband, that I shouldn't be trying to change him, saying I'm a bitch or posting their negative comments about me in third person as if I wasn't here. If it's coming off wrong I'm not sure how to put it differently, I've tried to be as clear and forthcoming as possible. I realize I am who I am and he is who he is but that's not the issue. People seem bent on believing that I'm trying to change him into someone he isn't and that just is not the case. I said before that he is the one that said it was there but wasn't quite comfortable letting it out. If two years went by then obviously I wasn't forcing the issue. I talked with him when he was willing to talk and we discussed things, mainly (but not solely) him wanting to say or do things that were in his head but being afraid he'd offend me or make me feel disrespected. When that one in particular came up I just told him I wouldn't feel that way b/c that's what I like. I left it at that & eventually he started participating b/c he became comfortable. I didn't "coach" him into it. He said it was there, when I wasn't seeing it I asked him about it, and that's all it was. I came here simply asking for some insight as to why he'd have suddenly changed, that's it. I didn't ask how I could make it go back or ask for any advice of that nature. So when people were getting hostile (and if you read all the posts idk how you could disagree that the majority weren't) and telling me not to try to change him or I knew he was like that when we got married (he wasn't) I felt defensive and figured that something must not have been clear enough, so I tried to explain it better. As for my "long winded" posts - you're right. They are long winded and the reason is/was that I was trying my best to explain what the situation is since the responses from people weren't addressing the issue I'd posted about but rather an assumed belief that I was acting in a way I'm not, or doing things im not doing. I kept trying b/c I was looking for some help on an idea of why it went backward all of a sudden. I don't know how to make it clearer than I already have. I don't expect him to be someone he isn't. He put it out there, he took his time (which I was patient about) and loosened up when he was ready. In regard to the lengths I went to in order to show I'm reasonable, it was b/c people were acting as though I weren't. And my baby is 3mo. It's not like I had him last week, and we aren't talking about anything that would be inappropriate with a baby in the house. I said in my OP that it was dirty talk and fantasizing, not hosting swinger parties or anything so I don't see what the issue is there either... I'm probably just spinning my wheels here, but I need some kind of insight that's relevant to the issue. I'm trying to find another way to approach him since clearly something caused a change and I don't know what it was. It's been a few months since I said anything to him about it, and wanted to find a different approach before I talked to him again because obviously my current one isn't helping him talk. He'll talk in his own time I understand, but he won't start a conversation b/c he says he doesn't know how to. So I ask him about it every so often & he doesn't talk and I'll drop it, but maybe the way I'm approaching him should be different? Maybe he wants to talk but it's hard for him b/c he's not sure how to respond. A PP suggested asking how I can help vs. "what happened" and that's a great example of what I was asking for here. If he just doesn't want to talk yet that's fine. I just don't want to be a hindrance. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want things to go back to how they were, but if you look at my posts, that's not why I came here or what I was asking for. Sorry for another long winded post. I don't mean that snarky either. I really need help with this & I'm just trying to find it.

OP, I think your request is reasonable and your questions are valid. You deserve to have a happy sex life with your spouse and your needs are very normal. Keep working at it.

To those posters who think she is controlling, I don't get it. Do you expect her to stay unsatisfied for her entire married life and not even try to get her husband to respond to her in a way she needs? He is controlling her by demanding intimacy his way only. That is not fair. He should be willing to compromise.

IMHO

I read this thread with interest and to the OP who thought every reply was venom filled, I actually think most people were understanding and reasonable. Your tone, however, does come off as quite controling and while you go to great lengths to show how reasonable you are, well, that's not what you convey in your tone and long winded messages.

As another poster , wisely commented, you are who you are and you should not have to apologize for that. But the same goes for your husband and just because you had coached him along, does not mean you can change him. And yes, I found it a bit odd that all this was going down with a newborn in the house ... but more power to you!

Correction: above should read "from people who *don't* want to help anyone"

I think each of you need to go back and actually read what I've said. I've made it clear that this sexual issue is the only thing where there's a disconnect with us. I've also repeatedly stressed that I do not pressure him into anything. I don't get angry with him, I don't withhold sex, I don't do anything in any way to push him. I've tried to talk to him to find out what's going on, like anyone in a *healthy* relationship would do if there was something they weren't happy with. Attempts to talk to him are also infrequent specifically for the purpose of not pressuring him. Which I've also repeatedly said. I've addressed the accusations of trying to change him as well. I'd suggest that all of you that are making snap judgments go back and read my posts. I'm not going to keep repeating & wearing myself out trying to get help from you people. Clearly you (at least most of you) aren't people who want to help anyone, you just want someone to loose your venom on. I'm beside myself at the nastiness of you to someone who's reaching out for help. If what I want is so awful, and you all feel so sorry for my poor husband then why not try to help with something constructive instead of petty insults, hatefulness, hostility and judgement? Since you all are obviously no help, I guess my poor oppressed husband will just have to live out the remainder of his miserable days with a wife who is completely unreasonable b/c she wants to understand why things changed. Although I know it'll do no good, I've really got to say that all of you so harshly condemning me should be ashamed of yourselves. I posted here b/c I'd read other people's posts about sexual issues and the responses were helpful and insightful. I hoped maybe someone could help me too...

I'd hate to be under the kind of "pressure to perform" you seem to be placing on your husband. It would totally ruin sex for me because I would be constantly aware that I was not fully pleasing my spouse. I am sure he was trying his best to please you earlier but the break gave him time to reflect and realize that it really wasn't what he wanted. All that being said, I get that you are who you are OP so there is no blame to apportion here. It's a tough one.

Anonymous wrote:
Goodness, this is would all be so much work for me!
Glad I'm not married to you, OP.

Me too. Can you imagine being married to her. She said her DH is fairly passive, but yet, she's trying to change him into a freak. That would be a nightmare scenario for me. This is an extremely high maintenance person, to want to start getting freaky just a mere two months after given both. Lord have mercy on your poor husband.

what a confusing post. what exactly do you want him to do

This OP writing style and tone reminds me of the woman ready to divorce her DH because he went to a "rub and tug". Her thesis was that she did everything to make him happy and he did nothing for her. Then in the thread would appear long, confirmatory posts that actually sounded much like the OP. Cf. 16:55. Getting that same vibe here.

OP, I think trying to change someone to behave the way you want them to behave just never ends well for either party. Good luck.

Goodness, this is would all be so much work for me!
Glad I'm not married to you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Being offensive wasn't at all where I was going, but if you personally are offended then I apologize. I don't know how else to describe it since he'd "come out of his shell" and then went back into it... I agree we both need to please each other, but I *do* please him. I've paid attention and learned what things he responds to most. Then I do those things for him and add in any other things I pick up on. It's not me not pleasing him, that's part of the issue - he's completely satisfied so he already has what he wants & needs, but I don't and therefore I'm not being pleased; I'm just doing all pleasing for him. There's no compromise or willingness anymore to at least meet in the middle. It doesn't have to be all the time, but at least sometimes would be nice. Especially since he was doing it before so I know he can. It's a matter of won't on his part, not can't. That's what makes it hard. He knows I need it, but he keeps withholding b/c it's not his need. If I'm meeting his, then it's only fair that he makes an effort to meet mine. I don't think that's unreasonable...

Not PP but sounds like you think you are pleasing him by reading his sexual behavior, not that you are pleasing him by behaving the way he says he wants you to behave.

Thank you all for your help. The fact that he wanted it but wasn't quite comfortable enough is exactly the issue b/c I worked with him, and it took a lot of time and effort from both of us to work together to help him be comfortable enough to do what he already wanted to but just didn't know how to get comfortable with. Since it took so long I figured that since he'd been able to go at his own pace it'd stay the way it was when he had gotten to that place of being comfortable. The sudden regression (sorry whoever that offended but i really don't know how else to describe it) was/is confusing and I'm just looking for help or advice. I mentioned before, but I do not withhold sex from him or pressure/manipulate him in any way whatsoever. When I've talked to him I've been very sensitive, non-accusatory, non-combative, and just asked him what happened b/c I don't understand and can't help if idk the issue. I think the advice to approach it differently by not asking "what happened" is a very good idea, and I'll put that to use next time I try to talk to him. I always leave time in between that b/c of the fact that I don't want him to feel pressured. About kids, we actually just had a baby in July. Since this started way before then I'm sure it's not the cause but probably isn't helping. I do give him space, and have considered the fact that we recently had a baby. I haven't pursued the issue in a while b/c of that, but I was going to try to approach him again in the next few weeks & was looking for advice so maybe I could do it in a better, more effective way since obviously what I've been doing the last year & a half wasn't working. I don't foresee me ever leaving over sex, I love him tremendously & in every single other aspect of our marriage we couldn't be happier. This is the only disconnect. If I had no choice but to live with it, then so be it, but if there was any way to try to get past another hang up then of course I'd rather at least try... Also, I have tried doing the one thing at a time approach since I don't want to overwhelm him. I've made it very simple yes or no questions even, but he doesn't respond at all so I drop it for a while. I think y'all are right about it just taking more effort from him, which I hadn't really thought of since it doesn't require effort from me to do those things. I guess I didn't realize that not everyone is like that. Never had a man resist or flat out refuse to go there so it just never occurred to me, but I can totally see & understand that. It would make sense for him b/c he is fairly passive. Thank you all, there are some really helpful points to consider that I'm sure will at least help the situation or, more appropriately, help me help him.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? If not, dump him. You aren't sexually compatible and when you have kids it's going to GET SO MUCH WORSE.

Sexual compatibility is as important as other deal-breaker compatibility issues - kids v. no kids, money, religion, where to live, high conflict v. no conflict v. moderate conflict.

If it's not there, it's not there, and he's not going to get there. He tried, but he couldn't sustain it. Move on, OP.

PP here. One more thing -- you aren't asking for much, OP. You are asking for a little dirty talk and a little fantasy play. That's well within the scope of "vanilla" sex. People ask for stuff that is WAY more kinky. If he can't go so far as some harmless talk and a little fantasy play, he is very rigid. Find a nice guy who'd love to do this with you. It's normal and there are plenty of guys who will do this normal thing with you.

You've been kind and patient. Enough. DMFA

Do you have kids? If not, dump him. You aren't sexually compatible and when you have kids it's going to GET SO MUCH WORSE.

Sexual compatibility is as important as other deal-breaker compatibility issues - kids v. no kids, money, religion, where to live, high conflict v. no conflict v. moderate conflict.

If it's not there, it's not there, and he's not going to get there. He tried, but he couldn't sustain it. Move on, OP.