Reply to one sibling opposed to assisted living for elderly parent

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[quote=Anonymous]

A month ago yesterday, my Dad came in from his one morning out of golfing to find my Mom had fallen and injured her other hip.  This was the pivotal event that we all knew had to happen before they would be ready to see that they needed a lifecare setting where she could get the personal care, therapy and companion services that she now needs.  They were super fortunate to have all 7 siblings happen to be in the area as we were there to celebrate her 92 birthday.  It was their very good fortune that there was  2-bedroom apartment opening in a lovely three tiered community within 10 minutes of two of the five siblings who live in the metro Boston area.  It was still very hard dealing with several siblings who were not quite there yet on the kinds of services that Mom would need, but none argued about the cost.  In terms of competency, while my Dad is still very competent generally at age 92.5 and did a good shop at food shopping and cooking these last few years as my Mom's short term memory declined, he was not competent in being able to see the care she needed before and even after the second hip was injured.  (She's won't have a limp or need a walker or cane.....)  A month later, they are settled in the apartment with all new furnishings, lovely wrap around porch.  She had to have had an assessment done on services and a private agency is proving the care as they are in an Independent Living unit which is quite suitable for him with one meal of their choice a day.  For the first time in years she will be bathed appropriately and her clothes washed.  She will have the therapy she needs and a companion whenever he will out - really regularly set hours.  The hassle of the last month is well worth it to see she had her hair done on Friday and they had their first meal in the dining room last night with one of my siblings and spouse.  After  28 years of "his retirement routine" of Boston to Florida, my Mother will get her chance to be near her children (5 in area and  2 of us can visit a lot easier there) and 20 grandchildren - just being able to drop by.

Aging is one thing which can't necessarily be planned in life, and it is often crisis driven.  I would definitely research a couple of assisted living places in your area to see what opening there are, take your FIL or Father to see maybe two.  Get the pricing on any upfront cost to come in and what the basic monthly fee covers.  Then get a clear understanding of the additional levels of care as it sounds like he would need Medication Management, Personal Care and the bathroom assistance, which is probably a higher level to start with.  Then if there is a difference in pricing or unit size etc., it can be presented and he can still participate in the decision-making.

There will need to be clear health care directives in place or the places may not even want to talk to you all that much as you can't just drop a person off even with full payment.
But it does not sound like your FIL or DAD is up to making this kind of decision for himself and what a family can provide in terms of direct care does need to be considered.  I can tell you in the DC area any hour of agency care is probably $20/hour so you are correct that an assisted living center is much more cost effective.

OP - I can also tell how a close friend who has done an excellent job of caring for her two parents first trying it in Florida and then driving them literally up to an assisted living center in our community 7 years ago with her husband has been sued continuously by a shiftless, mentally ill brother who while the apple of his parents' eyes was definitely not to ever be in charge of their care.  It matters little that she is their legal guardian and has a conservatorship reporting every dollar spent on their care to a trust officer etc.  nor that it is the estate's money being used up in these frivolous law suits which  he has never one once.   So if I were the two local siblings with this 3rd "loose cannon" sibling, I would also see a lawyer about how being sure to have the correct legal instruments in place at least on health care decision-making and then how best to structure payment for services so there could be a clear reporting done to a 3rd party, if requested now or in the future.

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