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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You people are SICK. If you see everything in your child's life transactionally (will this help him get into college? No? Then whats the point?) you will (1) rob them of their childhood, (2) Increase the likelihood of mental illness -- trust me on this one, my DC just graduated from high school and I saw the wreckage all around her., (3) and, it will be counter-productive. A child who has been programed is a child who doesn't learn to think for herself. This is why we are producing so many good little soldiers who will work, work, work but couldn't create something if their life depended on it.

There was a girl in my 7th grade class who started researching colleges because "you need to start early." Senior year she attempted suicide. True story. You may think your child is just fine with all of it but you won't know until later that it isn't the case at all.

If everything is pointed to that one task of getting into college, what happens then? How well prepared are they to take control of the rest of their lives?

In 10th grade you can start thinking about colleges. There is absolutely no need to do so before then and it could cause more harm than good.[/quote]

100% agree!

FWIW, I attended an ivy. By the time I got there, I had no clue what my true passions were as I had spent so many years in which "getting into a top college" was my real only goal. This was primarily due to parental pressure but being surrounded by highly competitive, intensely driven peers with like-minded parents contributed, as well, I'm sure (l grew up in  a largely career-minded, image-focused, affluent area that was in many ways similar to much of DCMV). I chose the college major I thought I "should" & graduated summa cum laude. 15 years later, I had a highly successful, lucrative career. It was not at all a difficult choice, however, to leave it behind & become a SAHM when my son was born just over 4 years ago (I already had 2 wonderful stepchildren, now 11 & 13, who now live with us fulltime, in case anyone is wondering why I'm on the "Older Kids and Teenagers" board  :wink: ). This wasn't bc I think children are necessarily better off with a SAHP -- I don't-- but bc I knew I really wouldn't miss it ( & bc I'm fortunate enough to have a DH whose salary is enough for us to live well on --I don't want to imply that I'm unaware of how extremely lucky I was to be in the position where the enjoyment of my job was even a factor, much less the primary one).

I loved being a SAHM ( & still do) but around the time my son was 6 months old, I felt the need to get out of the house & do something that wasn't related to my role as a parent. After looking around for opportunities that fit my schedule,I began volunteering a few times a month for a cause that I always believed in but about which I've since become extremely passionate. I got so much out of it that I started volunteering several hours a week, instead, & -- barring some vacations, kids' illnesses, etc. & the 3-month-long "maternity leave" I'm currently taking due to the recent birth of my daughter-- have continued to do so ever since. My part-time volunteer job has provided me with far more fulfillment in just 3.5 years than my career did in 15. For the first time since elementary school, I'm truly enjoying my life, not just chugging along until I get my next break from it. This, to me, is sad, particularly since I know that,had I been given more of an opportunity when I was young to discover this personal passion even existed within me, I actually could've made it into a career almost 2 decades ago.

What if I had died in my 20s or early 30s? It would have been a tragedy no matter what, because the loss of a young life always is, but I think it would have been even more heartbreaking that I'd spent the majority of my short life pursuing the societal version of success rather than my own.I would've died still largely unaware of who I really am & what's really important to me.I'm not trying to be morbid but early death can & does happen. My cousin died of leukemia at 21 & my college roommate of ovarian cancer at 33. Car accidents killed my best friend's brother when he was 28 & my neighbor's daughter when she was 19. The fragility of life, perhaps more than anything else, speaks to the importance of achieving a healthy balance between planning for the future & living for today. Yes, life's not always going to be "fun"; there are often less-than-enjoyable things we have to do today to ensure we aren't left stranded tomorrow. Of course we need to teach our kids the importance of hard work & responsibility. But we also need to teach them that joy, intellectual & cultural curiosity, laughter, kindness, compassion, self-care, generosity, personal discovery, empathy, friendship &, of course, love are important, too. We need to allow them the time & space for all these things to truly be part of their lives.

Just to illustrate that the failure to attend an elite college won't ruin one's life:

My husband, though hardly a slacker as a teenager, also wasn't a "super achiever" in high school. He took honors & AP classes all 4 years in the two subject areas he truly excelled in, regular college prep classes in the rest & was, overall, about a B+ student at his non-magnet public school. He was on the soccer & baseball teams & was good, but not great, at both. He did volunteer work with kids with cerebral palsy for a few weeks every summer & weekly during the school year, not bc he thought it might help him get into college but bc he had a genuine desire to do so as a result of having an uncle with CP. He played the drums & decided not to be in the school band but, just for fun, he & his friends formed their own band (that they all now fully admit was pretty horrible). He then attended his state university which, while a pretty good school, is not one of the "public ivies". He picked a major that reflected both his interests & goals, worked reasonably hard while also having a wonderful time, graduated with a 3.1 overall GPA & a 3.8 GPA in his major, started his chosen career at the bottom then steadily worked his way up, both financially supporting himself & enjoying what he was doing every step of the way, & now has an excellent job in a field he loves.

My husband also actually enjoyed high school & has a lot of very fond memories of those years. When he first told me this, it was as if he told me he relaxed on the weekends by getting elective root canals! I have a few good memories of high school but I mostly just remember the almost constant stress & acute pressure. It was, overall, a pretty miserable time in my life. My husband is still friends with his core group of friends from high school;none of them attended an ivy or the like (Stanford, MIT, etc.), a top 20 national liberal arts college, or a "public ivy". Nonetheless, all of them have done quite well as adults, both professionally & personally. Whenever they get together & I hear them fondly reminiscing about those days, I admit to feeling a pang of jealousy & a sense of loss. Although my parents & school tried to convince me otherwise, I clearly didn't need to sacrifice so much of my adolescence in order to have a successful adulthood.

Yes, academics are important but such intense focus on achievement for the sake of college acceptances is short-sighted at best & harmful at worst. Some of my high-achieving peers, for example, struggled with major depression & anxiety, a couple to the point of experiencing actual nervous breakdowns, while others developed substance abuse problems &/or severe eating disorders. As we enter middle age, a few have yet to fully recover & at least 4 have died as a result of mental health issues that began in high school -- one died of  a drug overdose, one as the result of anorexia & two committed suicide. Obviously, there may have been, & likely were, other factors (both genetic & environmental) that contributed to my classmates issues. I have no doubt, however, that the unhealthy focus on future success, even if was to the exclusion of present-day happiness, certainly didn't help, particularly since a highly disproportionate number of kids at or near the top of the class seemed to end up suffering from serious mental health issues (eating disorders in particular).

Please don't think you need to rob your children of their present for the sake of their future. Let them find & explore their passions, experience deep friendships & puppy love, spend time daydreaming & being goofy. Let them discover who they are so they can be themselves. Let them really experience & enjoy being KIDS.

*I apologize for any typos, spelling & grammatical errors, etc. I'm writing this while nursing my 3-week-old DD & am, like most parents of newborns , rather sleep-deprived  :wink:

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