Reply to 6yr old DS is a compulsive liar

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I second the recommendation to read nurture shock. I wonder if you started coming down hard on him too early when the first white lies came up and now he's not sure what to do. Kids who get caught for lying and punished harshly learn to lie better.   Have you ever praised him for coming clean on his own? That small action would probably get you farther than harsher punishments. Please don't do the sign thing. Please. Ask him what he thinks is an appropriate punishment.[/quote]

OP Here,

"I Don't Know."  :cry: Eyes at the floor... his response to everything. Why did you lie about that? Why would you steal your friend's toy/snack? What can we do to help? What do you think is going to happen to you in the future? Nothing but more "I don't knows."

We reassure him all the time that we will not be nearly as disappointed if he owns up to his mistakes and is truthful. We repeat it multiple times to give him a chance to think about it and hopefully do the right thing and come forward on his own good will. No avail. Honestly, the problem started about a year ago and would never put him through anything physically traumatic for it or beat him. I'm sure we have messed up plenty of times throughout the past year, but not to the point of leaving him scared/confused/complex.

And again, thank you for the post. Every bit helps. It takes a village![/quote]

OP I have a kid with some of these issues. In his case it is very obviously a sad, ineffective way of trying to connect with people or elevate himself in the eyes of others. Examples: To a friend who just came back from London, "Oh, I loved London, too, when I went there!" To baseball teammate, "I made a diving catch just like that professional one time." "Oh, I read that book, it was awesome." "I just saw an eagle fly over the bus stop." and so on. The funny thing is that until he was 7 or so, he seemed incapable of lying, to an extent that also seemed very unusual. We are working with a therapist on anxiety and impulsiveness and it is a tough, slow road. But I want to add one thing ... as natural as those "Why would you do such a thing?" questions seem to parents, if you think about it, there is absolutely no good answer except "Because I am a bad kid." A six-year-old isn't developmentally ready to distance himself from the situation and come up with a reasonable assessment of his motivation or challenges. I know these questions have been around as long as there have been parents and kids and I think they bounce off of most kids. But I think this sort of question is especially damaging to a kid who already has self-esteem issues. I think it is much better to state rules and expectations very, explicitly and clearly and then later, when the emotions of the moment are gone, help the child reflect on the actions, talk him through it. Again, sticking with my examples, we might walk him through how great a feeling it is when you can share a cool experience with a friend but then point out how, that is NOT the feeling that happens after a lie, they do not connect, in fact he risks the opposite, making people not trust him and feel less connected. We don't expect child to contribute to this process really, it is more about helping him understand some of his motivations but also see some of the real, negative consequences.[/quote]

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