Reply to How to create a lasting, great relationship with your kids

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[quote=baltimoreguy][quote=Anonymous]* Listen

* Be human and share your stories of triumph but also struggle and failure

* Listen

* Love and hug

* Provide unconditional love by telling and showing them that you love them no matter what

* Set boundaries so they know how to treat people (including you) *and* know how others should treat them

* Set them up for success, which might often mean not that you set the bar low so that they "win" but rather tell them that winning really isn't always the most important thing--rather there is great value in trying hard, struggling, and sometimes not making it

* Treat them with respect--their interests, their desires, their questions

* Have fun :)[/quote]

This is quite lovely. I like the juxtaposition of unconditional love and setting boundaries. You let them know what the rules are (and enforce them!) but also let them know everyone makes mistakes - including yourself.

Praise the effort, not the outcome - and don't always praise the outcome if it didn't take much effort to achieve. Kids are smart and they know when they've done something good, and when they're just reaping idle praise.

Catch them being good. This might be the best thing DW and I ever did. We notice when they are kind to each other, or help out around the house without being asked, or sit through a long and tiresome family commitment with exemplary behavior. And then we let them know we saw what they did, and that we appreciate it. If we're going to call them out every time they do something wrong, we can certainly let them know when we see them doing something right.

Finally, demonstrate through your actions that they can count on you. I've told my teen S over and over that when he really screws up, that's the time he's least going to want to tell me what's happened, and that's exactly when I can be of the greatest help. Fortunately, he hasn't really screwed up too much yet, but there have been a couple of bumps that he's come to me about, haltingly. In both cases, I held down my natural inclination to yell "You did what!?" and instead thanked him for sharing the information with me, and then got to work with him on finding a solution. It's deepened our trust and mutual respect (and, I believe, love) and made it more likely he'll come to me in the future if/when he truly gets in a jam.[/quote]

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